Friday, October 28, 2005

Ahh... catch up

I haven't gotten around to blogging for awhile.

There has definetly been much to talk about in my life... however, I just haven't felt inspired enough to talk about it. I mostly blame that on Rome Total War and Civ 3... But anyway.

I turned 21 almost 2 weeks ago, so that was definetly a big thing for me. On my birthday I had 2 glasses of Cider Beer and 1 shot of 1800 (tequila). The next night I was invited to go to a karaoke bar (which, ironically was right down the street from my parent's house). Over there, one of my friends got me the house shot... which happens to be the strongest drink in the house. What a way to start that off eh? After that I nursed a Captain's 7 for the rest of the night... needless to say I was a tiny bit out of it at that point. Thankfully I didn't get anywhere near drunk... not exactly how I would have wanted to start off my career as a 21 year old.

So that was fun, I'm definetly looking foward to trying out different drinks once in awhile, but I don't see myself making a habit of it... and by the way, if I do... would someone please smack me upside the head??

Now... as you might have read from my other blogs, I recently met a girl... here on MySpace interestingly enough. We really seemed to hit it off, and things seemed to be going pretty well for the most part. We were really working through some of our struggles with each other. And we were more or less going to start dating.... HOWEVER... Monday morning, I got a random text message saying "Its over leave me alone- dont text or call again." Of course... I didn't follow those intstructions because this was completely out of the blue, no reasons given.

Needless to say, she has somebody else as her boyfriend on her profile, and I haven't gotten any sort of answer from her about what exactly happened. I admit, I would really like to know why she did what she did, however I'm not going to hold out any hopes for it. I'm not going to let a lack of knowledge keep me from moving on.

I'm thankful that God brought up crap from my past relationships to deal with. I know there is still more damage to deal with, and that I'm not completely over things that happened to me before... but I now have the opportunity to face them and give them to God, because if I try and handle it myself I know they will just hide in the depths of my being again until something drags them out into the light. I want them gone, not just hiding.

I'm unhappy for how things went, but thats fine. I know I need to spend more time with God before I'm ready for a relationship. If I don't have that foundation to begin with, having a deep relationship will just make it even more difficult to spend time with God. My computer and friends and school distract me enough as it is.

I'm not going to lie though... I do feel lonely and broken in a lot of ways. Part of me really would like to be in a relationship with someone. I have some very close friends which I am thankful for, but it isn't the same. Again, that brings me back to where I know I need to look to God and get the intimacy from him first... not another person... because I know from my past relationships, not to mention what just happened with this other girl, that kind of intimacy is not what I want... it is too hollow.

So those are the main things going on in my life right now. I do have to say, Rome: Total War is a really good game... very addicting... I'm kinda glad I'm not going to be at my place this weekend so I might have a chance to actually get to my reading... I have enough of it coming up.

This is all that comes to mind for now. Like I said, enough has gone on that I have plenty to talk about. Nothing seems too pressing however.

Bye for now everyone!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Crash

So I finally got around to watching the movie Crash.

Wow...

It's a very emotional movie. I highly recommend it. It really gets you thinking.

The movie isn't perfect by any means but it does raise some deep questions. I like it enough that I think I might get around to buying it eventually, and I don't buy many movies.

So yeah... go watch it :)

-Daniel

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Wow

Okay, I'm not sure where to begin.

Today has certainly taken an unexpected turn. To put it simply, as of today I'm not single anymore.

So yeah... I had some really long and in depth conversations with my friend and we decided that we wanted to go forward in our relationship. I'm not going to lie, I still have some fears and reservations but I know that it will be alright, and I love her enough that I feel it is worth the step.

It's really weird to me, to be taking this big of a step without actually having met her in person. Call me crazy. For those of you who know me well enough, know that this isn't something I would usually do. I'm usually too calculated and put a lot of thought into my decisions... however I really feel that God is in this... in fact I don't see any other way.

I mean, how else could I go from barely knowing someone a week and a half ago, to feeling a strong enough connection to her to want to start dating her... despite the thought of struggles between us, despite the distance away that we live, and that we go to different schools and have work of one kind or another and all that. I feel that she is worth this risk.

The reason that I know God is in this, is simply because this is not something I would do on my own. I would not have the nerve to step out like this. I know that talking to her has brought up so much of my emotional damage and pain from my last relationship... allowing me to heal and mend. I'm not completely over what has happened in my past but the fact that it has been brought out into the open is an important step to me. I'm so blessed right now... I'm thankful that God has worked in my life like this... and that I have been able to meet such a wonderful person because of it.

She has shown me nothing but patience and kindness, even though that I know I have hurt her already because of the fears that I have... and the indecisve nature that I have fairly often. I know God is working in me more. Because of the love that she has shown me, I know that God can show me even more, and it has caused me to draw closer to him. I was feeling in such a low place before, and even though things have been difficult, I'm feeling so much better... I can see hints of joy and hope in my life. For this I am so thankful.

I feel more prepared to not only face the future with her, but also in general, because I know getting over these fears etc. that plague me also affect the rest of my life. This is a strong incentive for me to challenge myself to grow... because I wouldn't want to do it on my own.

This is definetly going to be one of the most meaningful birthdays for me. Not because I'm going to be 21 and can drink and whatnot, but because of the love that I have seen and experienced, and the knowledge that it will continue to grow.

Goodnight everyone... Praise be to God!!!!!

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Speechless...

I'm not sure what to say really. Not sure if I can describe how I'm feeling. I have such a sense of peace... hope... like things are going in the direction that they should be. I would be lying if I said that my fears have completely dissolved, but they have faded considerably.

So far, with my new friend... every fear that I have expressed, every concern that I have had, has been met with a comforting response. There is truly something special about this girl. She really is different... so much different than all the girls I have been interested in up to this point in my life. There is such a strong bond forming between us right now, and this is after what... a week of talking to each other on the internet and over the phone?

It's like... many of my pains and hurt from my last relationships have been brought to the surface over the last few days... And the funny thing is I feel like this has allowed it to begin to heal. There is something different, something more mature that can exist between me and another person, that can be completely different from what has gone on before... and I don't have to be afraid. I know that this can only come through God working in my life.

This is exactly what I have meant when I have said that bringing things to the surface and facing them are when they can begin to heal. Am I completely over what happened in my past? No. Do I still have my demons to face, my struggles... my bad habits and mis-perceptions about me and the world? Of course... but I know that they can be healed.

I am so thankful to God right now... I wasn't expecting this at all. God is Good... I know this in the depths of my Soul. "Be not afraid, I am with you"... I can feel the truth in that, and the love that he shows to me. I am also thankful that he has put my friend into my life, working through her to meet a place in me that was hurt and afraid. I do not know what God has in store for us, what may happen with us in the future... but I am sure of one thing; I am going to be eternally grateful for this moment.

I know there are more things that I need to forgive myself for... and to ask for forgiveness.. ways that I must continue to grow. I am grateful for this opportunity to see part of me clearly, and see where I need to let God in to grow. It's still hard... but God never said it would be easy, he only said he would always be with us, and those are some of the most beautiful words that I will ever hear, because there is so much more depth in that than I can comprehend.

Thank you Jesus

I really love Kutless...

Kutless is one of my favorite bands... they have many songs that really touch me.

At the moment, this particular song especially speaks to me:

Kutless - Better For You Lyrics
My decision can not be put off again
I see the right choice but my heart is filled with dread
It all seems backwards in my head, my head

I know it seems too wrong to be right
This way is so much harder to fight
But in the end I know it is true
This way is better, it's better for you

Choose a little pain and gain a life with joy
Accepting pleasure now will earn a life of pain
It all seems backwards in my head, my head

I know it seems too wrong to be right
This way is so much harder to fight
But in the end I know it is true
This way is better
It's better for you, for you

Sometimes I wonder why it's this way
When it's done the burden is gone
This discomfort will be taken away
As soon as it's over, it's over for me

I know it seems too wrong to be right
This way is so much harder to fight
But in the end I know it is true
This way is better
It's better for you, for you


Saturday, October 08, 2005

Quite an interesting night

So, yeah, today has been interesting.

It took me until about 11:30 to actually get out of bed. Now, I know I'm getting glared at by all of my friends who didn't get that opportunity, but it was nice to sleep in. Plus I get up at 7:30 every weekday morning to pray with my housemates so... nyah? Anyway that's besides the point.

I didn't have much time to linger around once I woke up, because I needed to check out something at the school store for my mom, and the store closed at one. It's about a 15 minute walk to get to campus, so that meant leaving around 12:30, and I wasn't showered and ready until after 12. Since I thought it was a good idea to get food, that didn't leave much time for anything else.

So anyway, I got to campus, did my thing... messed around on the computer for awhile and then met one of my friends to go and help another friend who is in film school with his first project.

I have to say, today was a blast. I got to help out with some other stuff last night, but today there was more going on... not to mention I got to be an extra :-D

We have some more filming to do tomorrow, and I'm going to be running the visual stuff at my church for the first time, so that should be fun.

After the filming wrapped up I had dinner with a friend and then went to hang out with my director friend for a little while before I needed to go borrow a car from one of my other friends. I'm not going to lie, it had me a bit nervous. I just got back a few minutes ago and I'm still shaken up. I think it's mostly because I'm not really used to driving a car on my own.. but having backed my friends car into another car awhile back, and being in a minor car accident a few weeks ago (which I blogged about) probably has something to do with it.

Of course, today I'm a bit nervous in general. I've had the opportunity to talk more with my new friend. It's definitely been very interesting... She has really been challenging me in a good way. It's really hard for me to look at her as a different person than what I'm used to, and not to react in certain ways and be defensive because of how I have been treated in the past. It's really hard to learn how to think about things differently... so far I think it is worth it, because even if we end up deciding that a romantic relationship wouldn't work out so well, I know that she would be an awesome friend who I would be glad to get to know and I know I could learn a lot from.

Although I know that I could learn a lot from her, that also brings in a bit of my most recent concern. So far, I know that there are some things that we disagree on. Now, I'm not afraid of us not being able to get along with each other, because I truly have a heart for leaning about other perspectives. I mean, after all I wouldn't be a protestant working for the University Ministry of a Catholic University if I didn't have a somewhat open mind. Not to mention my main project for University Ministry is a Wed. night group focused on having honest open dialogue about different issues (including such things as current events to theology and ethics). But anyway, the point being, I know we can agree to disagree if it comes to that, and have good discussions.

I guess what it comes down to, is that I know there are some things that I really want in a relationship. Faith is just about the most important thing, because it is something that I want as the foundation of a relationship. Now, she has said that for her it always comes down to Jesus, and that all of the other things don't matter as much. I agree for the most part... however some of the things that she believes seems to differ from some of the things that I feel are essential. The subject that came up tonight is one that I'm still wrestling with, and I haven't come to a better conclusion, however I would still tend towards the side opposite hers.

I just know that it wouldn't be good for either of us for me to make a compromise like that, just for the sake of making things work. So I guess the place that I'm at right now, is determining whether it would be a compromise that I'm not really willing to make, or if it is not something to worry about. I guess the main part is because I'm not sure what to believe about it, so I can't firmly say what I would believe... and I know it's not good thinking at all to agree with somebody I like, simply because I like them. And I know she wouldn't want me to do that anyway. I know it is going to take a lot of prayer and soul searching to come to this particular challenge of faith.

On this particular issue, its not just my friend who has this view... it is also similar to what is held by my new boss in U.M. (University Ministry) believes among other people. I guess it is always a struggle for me in situations like this. Last year was the same way for me, except the topic was homosexuality, as my roommate and my boss, along with another person I worked with are homosexual. I feel like I get swamped with these issues of faith, and it is hard for me to tell if God is showing me these things to try and convince me to think otherwise, or if it is all coming as a challenge to my faith.

So yeah.. it's just really weird for me right now. I have so much reluctance, and fear and confusion. I acknowledge that I have some emotional damage from my past relationships, and some of my general personal tendencies... but I don't want that to be an excuse not to move forward or try and change... but it does make it extremely hard for me, because it is so much easier to fall into my normal patterns, or what seems like the easy way. Stretching myself is not fun, but I know I have to do it. But I also know that it means I'm going to fail once in awhile... and I need to remember that it is alright to fail, that I just need to get up. If I don't let God pull me back up and dust me off, that's when I have truly failed, until then it is only a step of my growth.

Like I said... even though I know it is for the best in the end... it is still so hard, and I hate that in some ways, because I know it makes it hard for her too, because it can easily seem like something that she is doing or not doing or saying or whatever, when most of the time it probably isn't anything directly her fault. I mean... I'm indecisive enough in general, but when it comes to things like this which are so important to me and so difficult to me, it makes it even harder to figure it out. Once I make a decision about something I usually am fine going forward... however, it is getting to that decision which I struggle with. I don't regret what I decide much, it just takes me awhile to get there.

If you couldn't tell, there is a lot going on in my mind right now. There is also homework and other things that I am going to have to work on soon... and I know myself, if there are things like this on my mind, it can be difficult to set them aside enough to get what I need to get done... and these aren't simple issues that I can resolve quickly and tie up with a nice neat little bow.

I really need to spend more time with God. I try to figure these things out on my own when I should be asking God. I guess on the bright side, this is giving me all the more reason to work on my schedule and make the conscious decision to make time for God. I mean, seriously, playing Civilizations 3 for 4 hours is not going to do anything for my spiritual and mental growth, its just going to be temporary amusement and a way to pass the time. Why is it so hard for me to want to spend that time with God, when I could easily get so much more out of it? Stupid mind.

-Daniel

Friday, October 07, 2005

I don't like how my mind works sometimes...

Seriously...

Most of the time I really like my Mind, it can be really awesome sometimes. However, at the moment I would have to say that I'm a bit frustrated with it...

I guess partly why it is annoying to me right now is because I don't seem to have much control over it.

I mean, why is it that I can meet a girl and not even know her for a week... not to mention haven't met in person, yet I get all in a flutter and end up having her somewhere in the back of my mind (if not the front at some points) for most of the day, and feel somewhat sad because I haven't talked to her today.

I think that the logical side of me, that likes to think things through and analyze and all that is feeling lost and left behind. I mean, like I said, I don't know her very well... There are things that I hold as being vital in anyone that I would want to date (Faith being the top one, but there are others also) and I don't feel like I have had the chance to really find out about those things, but my heart is sitting there screaming at me "go for it!!!"

Don't get me wrong, I know that there is something about her otherwise I wouldn't be interested in her, because I have enough friends who are girls to know that I'm not just excited because its a girl.

I guess I am also cautious because there were two girls who I became interested in last year, and my feelings at first were fairly similar to what I'm feeling now. Long story short... after getting to know one of them better, I determined that she isn't someone who I would want to date, even though she has some really awesome qualities... and the second girl is considering becoming a nun, so that kinda killed that idea.

I feel like I'm being torn in two in some ways... On the one hand, there are these experiences that have shown me what happens if I jump in to quickly, along with my general nature that would honestly just like to get to know someone before I would consider dating them.

On the other hand, I fully admit that there is a part of me that doesn't want to be alone anymore... that really misses the good parts of being in relationships, even though some of the bad parts have been really hard. And there also is some kind of connection that has formed pretty quickly between me and this girl.

I guess I just don't know what to do. There is part of me that is so afraid to get into another relationship... because I don't want to see myself hurt again, let alone another person. I'm afraid that I don't trust myself in a physical sense, and being able to establish boundaries and actually follow through on them. In some ways I just want to stay where I am, not take any risk because I'm afraid that it wouldn't work out and I will end up like I was last semester.

I know that that is no way to live... that if I don't take the risks, even if it could mean getting hurt, that I won't get anywhere. That is the other part of it that is hard for me, because this is just a small part of what I know is God calling me to step out of what I am comfortable with, and to have the assurance that he is with me no matter what, and that I have no reason to fear the unknown... but how can I get that into my heart from my head? I know that it will only be through actually stepping out in some way or another, and seeing God in it, that I can begin to trust it. I don't have enough faith right now to do it otherwise. I just don't know if I can bring myself to go over that hump, and I'm equally afraid of being pushed over it by something or someone... even if it will help me to grow in the ways that I desire, despite my fear.

The developing relationship with this girl is difficult enough as it is, without all the deeper connections it has with the insecurities inside of me that are coming to my attention.

I seriously feel like crawling into my bed and curling up into a little ball and trying to hide and ignore it and pretend like it will go way, despite how stupid that I know it is...

I don't know where to go here... and I feel as if God is leaving it up to me... that he has brought me to this place, and shown me some painful parts of myself, and left me with the question "how are you going to respond to this?" Do I turn my eyes to Jesus like I know I should, run into his arms, give up all my fear and insecurity to his healing grace... do I allow him to work deep inside of me, become more of who he created me to be..... or do I shove it all down and lock it back up in the depths of my being, and try to find a place in my life where I can ignore that it is there, even though the God's loving eyes pierce right through me.

The answer seems painfully obvious... so why is it so hard for me to take that step?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Bloody IPods!!!

There seems to be a great influx of IPods on our campus.

I don't want to be unfair to the Freshman class, but most of them seem to have one. Not that other people on campus don't have them either... I suppose that they are at just the right age to really get into it when it is becoming "Cool."

I suppose it just annoys me how popular it is. That in itself is enough to drive me away. It doesn't matter how well crafted it is, I refuse to even consider getting one because of how "popular" it is.

It is kinda sad, because from what I have heard, they really are well made, and part of the reason that they sell so well is because they are good products. They also have the trademark user-friendliness of Apple.

I suppose I'm just being cranky about it. For my music needs I will stick with my Dell Axim. I don't listen to music enough to need a separate music player for now. Who knows, maybe if I ever do decide to get one, I might look into the IPod because of its craftmanship. However, for now they just seem trite to me.

Signing off for now...

-Daniel

It is Strange...

...to look at myself and realize that I have a lower self-esteem than I thought. I guess I always thought that my self esteem was fine, because I felt like I didn't fall into the stereotypical mold of what it means to be a person with low self esteem.

However, if I really look at myself, I realize that there are some parts of myself which I would tend to second-guess myself too often, places where I don't trust myself, things that I'm afraid of saying or doing, because I feel like I'm not ready... I guess I'm not really sure where to go from here. Since I have always through of myself being fairly well off psychologically, I never considered having the possibility of having low self-esteem, so I'm not sure what to do I guess.

I know one thing... that God loves me for who I am, and there is a reason God made me like I am, and there might be some parts of me that are this way for a reason. However, I know that can't be used as an excuse, because it is just as likely that it is based on events when I was younger and whatnot, and that leaves me not as God would want me to have. I guess, specifically my fear of not being ready to do something, and feeling like I don't know enough to do it or anything like that... I know that is something which I just need to give up. In my head I know its wrong, and its a stupid way to look at things, but it hasn't moved into my heart... to the point where I actually believe it.

I guess mainly I would ask for prayer from anybody out there who is so inclined, it would be much appreciated.

It's not really fun to look at myself and acknowledge my faults... to face them and take ownership of it. I know that it is through that, that I can actually change... that if I just convince myself that I'm alright as I am, that I won't feel any need to change.

I wish I could say this was my only struggle, but this is definitely the one of the moment.

-Daniel

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Interesting...

HASH(0x8c91b58)
You chose hazel eyes.
That means you are a very sweet, thoughtful person.
You are gulliable too, so it's hard for you to
sometimes say no to situations you don't like.
You're too worried that you might hurt
someone's feelings that a lot of the time you
don't think about what you want. You are also
very generous. You love to hang out with your
friends, and laugh at every little
"funny" thing.


The Eye color personality test
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What can I say... I think it fits?

low
Low Ponytail

You're a sweet, sensitive person, you're very smart
and very serious on your studies. You're the
type of person who loves a good book and likes
to write stories or poetry. You keep a small
group of friends, and you like it just like
that!


What hairstyle suits your personality?
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.hack//sign, Best Anime Ever?

Bear
you are Bear, your smart and wise, you often know
what to do and are caring, you don't enjoy
battle as much as solving problems.


Which hack sign character are you?
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You belong to the world of knowledge-seekers
You belong somewhere out in the world, exploring
and learning and spreading the knowledge that
you find. When you love, that love will join
you in your quest and believe as you do in a
world of spiritual energy that is stronger than
anything humanity could normally even conceive,
although you may be able to. Council those you
encounter, give them your wisdom, and stay true
to yourself.


Where do you belong?(ANIME IMAGES)
brought to you by Quizilla
Angel
You are one of the few out there whose wings are
truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and
divine, you are one blessed with a certain
cosmic grace. You are unequalled in
peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of
Light your wings are massive and a soft white
or silver. Countless feathers grace them and
radiate the light within you for all the world
to see. You are a defender, protector, and
caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver
of the wrong, chances are you are taken
advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.
But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in
everyone and so this mistreatment does not make
you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will
try to help misguided souls find themselves and
peace. However not all Angelics allow
themselves to be gotten the better of - the
Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting
for the sake of Justice and protection of those
less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever
change - the world needs more people like you.

Image Copyright Sheila Wolk (prints available
through treefreegreetings.com) - words added by
myself.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
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You are Proverbs
You are Proverbs.


Which book of the Bible are you?
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Generalizing this is true...

You are the shy guy. You get really nervous around
and when talking to girls. It's ok, sooner or
later you'll get more comfortable with them.
Its seems to me you might even be scared of us!
We don't bite, promise. (Well unless you get a
kinky girl, then thats a whole nother
story.)LOL. Remember that the worst thing that
could happen when you ask a girl out is that
she'd say no.
PLEASE RATE!!!


Are You a True Ladies Man? (Guys only!)
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