Quite an interesting night

So, yeah, today has been interesting.

It took me until about 11:30 to actually get out of bed. Now, I know I'm getting glared at by all of my friends who didn't get that opportunity, but it was nice to sleep in. Plus I get up at 7:30 every weekday morning to pray with my housemates so... nyah? Anyway that's besides the point.

I didn't have much time to linger around once I woke up, because I needed to check out something at the school store for my mom, and the store closed at one. It's about a 15 minute walk to get to campus, so that meant leaving around 12:30, and I wasn't showered and ready until after 12. Since I thought it was a good idea to get food, that didn't leave much time for anything else.

So anyway, I got to campus, did my thing... messed around on the computer for awhile and then met one of my friends to go and help another friend who is in film school with his first project.

I have to say, today was a blast. I got to help out with some other stuff last night, but today there was more going on... not to mention I got to be an extra :-D

We have some more filming to do tomorrow, and I'm going to be running the visual stuff at my church for the first time, so that should be fun.

After the filming wrapped up I had dinner with a friend and then went to hang out with my director friend for a little while before I needed to go borrow a car from one of my other friends. I'm not going to lie, it had me a bit nervous. I just got back a few minutes ago and I'm still shaken up. I think it's mostly because I'm not really used to driving a car on my own.. but having backed my friends car into another car awhile back, and being in a minor car accident a few weeks ago (which I blogged about) probably has something to do with it.

Of course, today I'm a bit nervous in general. I've had the opportunity to talk more with my new friend. It's definitely been very interesting... She has really been challenging me in a good way. It's really hard for me to look at her as a different person than what I'm used to, and not to react in certain ways and be defensive because of how I have been treated in the past. It's really hard to learn how to think about things differently... so far I think it is worth it, because even if we end up deciding that a romantic relationship wouldn't work out so well, I know that she would be an awesome friend who I would be glad to get to know and I know I could learn a lot from.

Although I know that I could learn a lot from her, that also brings in a bit of my most recent concern. So far, I know that there are some things that we disagree on. Now, I'm not afraid of us not being able to get along with each other, because I truly have a heart for leaning about other perspectives. I mean, after all I wouldn't be a protestant working for the University Ministry of a Catholic University if I didn't have a somewhat open mind. Not to mention my main project for University Ministry is a Wed. night group focused on having honest open dialogue about different issues (including such things as current events to theology and ethics). But anyway, the point being, I know we can agree to disagree if it comes to that, and have good discussions.

I guess what it comes down to, is that I know there are some things that I really want in a relationship. Faith is just about the most important thing, because it is something that I want as the foundation of a relationship. Now, she has said that for her it always comes down to Jesus, and that all of the other things don't matter as much. I agree for the most part... however some of the things that she believes seems to differ from some of the things that I feel are essential. The subject that came up tonight is one that I'm still wrestling with, and I haven't come to a better conclusion, however I would still tend towards the side opposite hers.

I just know that it wouldn't be good for either of us for me to make a compromise like that, just for the sake of making things work. So I guess the place that I'm at right now, is determining whether it would be a compromise that I'm not really willing to make, or if it is not something to worry about. I guess the main part is because I'm not sure what to believe about it, so I can't firmly say what I would believe... and I know it's not good thinking at all to agree with somebody I like, simply because I like them. And I know she wouldn't want me to do that anyway. I know it is going to take a lot of prayer and soul searching to come to this particular challenge of faith.

On this particular issue, its not just my friend who has this view... it is also similar to what is held by my new boss in U.M. (University Ministry) believes among other people. I guess it is always a struggle for me in situations like this. Last year was the same way for me, except the topic was homosexuality, as my roommate and my boss, along with another person I worked with are homosexual. I feel like I get swamped with these issues of faith, and it is hard for me to tell if God is showing me these things to try and convince me to think otherwise, or if it is all coming as a challenge to my faith.

So yeah.. it's just really weird for me right now. I have so much reluctance, and fear and confusion. I acknowledge that I have some emotional damage from my past relationships, and some of my general personal tendencies... but I don't want that to be an excuse not to move forward or try and change... but it does make it extremely hard for me, because it is so much easier to fall into my normal patterns, or what seems like the easy way. Stretching myself is not fun, but I know I have to do it. But I also know that it means I'm going to fail once in awhile... and I need to remember that it is alright to fail, that I just need to get up. If I don't let God pull me back up and dust me off, that's when I have truly failed, until then it is only a step of my growth.

Like I said... even though I know it is for the best in the end... it is still so hard, and I hate that in some ways, because I know it makes it hard for her too, because it can easily seem like something that she is doing or not doing or saying or whatever, when most of the time it probably isn't anything directly her fault. I mean... I'm indecisive enough in general, but when it comes to things like this which are so important to me and so difficult to me, it makes it even harder to figure it out. Once I make a decision about something I usually am fine going forward... however, it is getting to that decision which I struggle with. I don't regret what I decide much, it just takes me awhile to get there.

If you couldn't tell, there is a lot going on in my mind right now. There is also homework and other things that I am going to have to work on soon... and I know myself, if there are things like this on my mind, it can be difficult to set them aside enough to get what I need to get done... and these aren't simple issues that I can resolve quickly and tie up with a nice neat little bow.

I really need to spend more time with God. I try to figure these things out on my own when I should be asking God. I guess on the bright side, this is giving me all the more reason to work on my schedule and make the conscious decision to make time for God. I mean, seriously, playing Civilizations 3 for 4 hours is not going to do anything for my spiritual and mental growth, its just going to be temporary amusement and a way to pass the time. Why is it so hard for me to want to spend that time with God, when I could easily get so much more out of it? Stupid mind.

-Daniel