And So it Begins Anew

Well, I have gotten through my second day at the St. Francis Center. I'm growing to like the place. I still have a reservation or two, but I'm actually content with that because I want to grow and not be completely comfortable. There are some really awesome people, and the "guests" are for the most part very courteous and understanding.

I know when I have more experience and have more time to write I will be putting out something on my thoughts on homelessness. I know my view has already shifted far past the stereotypes but I know I will be going further.

It's going to be hard. In fact, the hardest part actually might be that I have to get up at around 6:00 in the morning and work from 7-3. It's nice to get off that early, but I'm such a night owl that I'm a bit sad about it. I've been going and going for the last two days so I haven't had a chance to feel like I've missed something. I do hope I will make more time to read, however, this week will be very busy. There are many things that our community wants to try out so I know I will be keeping myself busy, which will be nice. I just need to make sure not to completely neglect all my other friends and interested outside of the program. I know that my trip to Israel with my family and other people from my 'cradle' church in the middle of the whole thing is going to be helpful for that.

I've also made a commitment to myself to cut down on my computer use. I didn't bring my computer so that means all I have are mooching off of other computers and PDA, which will allow me to stay connected fairly well. The only thing that I'm going to really miss is Instant Messaging since that is how I keep in contact with many people. So, I'm going to have to resort to other methods of communication with them.

Because I don't have a car, I have shifted to biking to St. Francis every morning. So far it has been very painful, but I know I'm going to grow to enjoy it once my body begins to get used to it. I hurt now, but I know my body will be much better off this summer, not to mention the change in my diet for the better which will hopefully be something I carry with me after the program is over.

I'm hoping I might be able to work in going to another small group through my church. I really feel like I'm missing out, especially with how intense things are going to be this summer, I really need a place to be monitored and to decompress outside of the community. Obviously I have my family and good friends but I need a little bit more. This is especially important to me since I'm going to have to give up the Monday night Nooma thing I was doing since we are going to be meeting as a community that night. At first I was really sad about that, but thankfully God gave me the wisdom to see that it was from him and that what I'm going to be doing in this community for the better part of the next 10 weeks is what God wants for me now.

I would talk more, but I'm going to go with my old community for our last meal of the year. I will post again when I get a chance. Until then, farewell.

Ever have a moment...

Have you ever had a moment where you feel God telling you to do something, but God doesn't let you know how it is going to go when you do?

I think I'm at one of those points. I think God wants me to do something, because it will help me grow. I know I get bogged down by fear too easily, and don't trust God enough, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline" (2 Timothy 1:7).

I have to say though, I feel a peace in it, that even though I don't know how it is going to turn out, and that it might not turn out how I would like it to. I realize that I can only see my little part of the puzzle, and that having me do this will help me to grow.

So we will see how it goes. I don't know when I will actually have a chance to go through with this, but once I have I will be sure to give a report.

Mute Math!!!! and further complexities

So, despite being extremely tired, here I am at 3:00 in the morning writing a blog.

Yesterday... I guess I can say that, even though it was only 4 hours ago or so I got back from a really awesome concert. The first cover band wasn't really that interesting. My friend described it as hearing a mix off all the stuff he hears on MTV. Since I don't watch MTV, I have to take his word for it, but I can say they were fairly bland. The second band was pretty interesting and I was going to buy their CD, but they don't have one out yet, only itunes and such, so we will see about that. But of course, I came for Mute Math anyway.

Mute Math is awesome. Their recorded stuff is awesome, but you really have to see them in person for the full experience. They have such a stage presence... really great energy, involvement with the crowd, and mindblowingly good music!

They have enough of a mixture in their style that it isn't just the same thing over and over again. And their lyrics... wow I love the lyrics. Mute Math doesn't market themselves as Christian, but all 4 of them are followers of Jesus and it really shows in their songs. A few of the songs ended up being a worship time for me and God.

One of their songs, "You are Mine" speaks about how everyone has obsessions and addictions, but that, like the song says, You are mine. It makes me wonder why I bother with other things when Jesus is so awesome, and if I actually followed after him with complete passion, all the other things would fall into place. That also has some particular implications for me at the moment, but I will go into that later.

I could really write a blog based on each of the song's lyrics. Part of why I like MM is that with their music, it isn't like a pure praise an worship song. What I mean by that is the actual song itself is interesting enough that I can have it in the background while I'm doing something, but I can also take the time to actually focus on the lyrics and really go into the depth that they hold. I think it's great.

I also bought a bit of "modern art" made by the drummer, Darren King. It's pretty much the top of one of his drums (because he gives it some hard love) with some random clippings and his signature and whatnot. The money will go towards the replacement part so I feel good in helping the band out in that way. Not to mention I got something unique. I also got a polo shirt. Unfortunately they ran out of XL, but that is just another excuse for me to get myself exercising, especially because I have another MM shirt that is a wee bit tight on me. They also made 1000 copies of their albums on actual Vinyl LP's which I snagged a copy of and have 2 signatures so far.

It's kind of funny. I have yet to meet all the band members after a concert. Granted, some of them are probably pretty tired by the end of the show (like I said, they really pour themselves into it) and not really in the mood to be sociable. I find it amusing because it means I have a poster, the vinyl, and their CD's, all with various signatures. Perhaps I will eventually get the collection "complete" so to speak. An excuse for me to keep going to the concerts I guess?

I really am a chicken when it comes to girls. I'm not going to lie. There was a cute girl at the concert that I recognized from the last concert and I came nowhere near summoning up enough courage to even go over and say "hey, I recognize you from the last concert so I wanted to say hi" or something like that. If anything, she could be an interesting person to talk with, considering our mutual love for Mute Math. I hate approaching strangers in the first place, not to mention a cute female stranger.

I don't know what to do with myself though. I feel like in some ways I'm completely inept about approaching women. I mean, like my only two relationships both kinda naturally grew out of friendships... like, I didn't really develop 'feelings' for them until after we knew each other for awhile. What I don't know how to deal with is when I'm interested in someone that I don't know well or am in the process of getting to know.

Part of it kinda goes back to what I was saying about the song "You Are Mine" earlier... In the one sense, I know that if I seek after God first and not get tied up in knots about relationship stuff, that eventually he will probably bring that into my life. But, with where I'm finding myself right now, what if it is God putting someone into my life because I have been following him more? I mean, I'm probably making more of an issue of it than I should, but that doesn't mean that God couldn't have put this person into my life and that I'm the one making it complicated.

Argh!

I mean, I know that I'm honestly afraid to maybe pursue where my interest seems to be going because I don't want to hurt the possibility of a friendship. And I also know that part of it is that I tend to be more concerned with other people to a fault... like, I don't know where this person is about relationships, or if this could possibly hurt them, etc etc etc... so I want to play it all super safe and try and find all of that out before I think about pursing something. I know that doing that is good in some ways, but I know I could easily take it to far and have it end up being an excuse and a way to not do what is best for me.

I also feel like I should be spending more time praying about this and less time thinking. I mean, yeah I'm tired, but I'm awake enough to write for 45 minutes here so why exactly can't I spend the time asking God these things instead of trying to poll my audience or something in some attempt to get some good advice or whatever.

I just don't know. And I'm also tired enough to be vulnerable about it, so I guess we might see how I feel about this in the morning...

Night folks.

Further thoughts on love languages, particularly my own

So, I'm feeling kinda lonely. This is after spending some good time with my best friend, my parents and my old friend who is visiting from Arkansas.

I think some of it has to do with the romantic-esq stuff I was talking about before, but I would wager it goes deeper than that. Getting into a relationship wouldn't automatically make me feel loved or whatnot.

I've been thinking through the five love languages stuff that I mentioned earlier. I've been trying to determine what my 'primary love language' is. A.K.A. "what makes me feel loved and how do I express it."

In his book, Chapman mentioned that one of the best ways to figure it out are to think back to experiences where you have felt really unloved and hurt. Through that, you can get a good idea what the opposite would be.

What comes to mind for me are the times where I have really been torn down verbally. The strongest examples of this come from my ex-gf, but there have been plenty of times with my friends where I have been hurt when a joke went to far, etc.

On the one hand, I would take that back to my childhood experiences where I was picked on and that is the source of my sensitivity. But, I wonder if my sensitivity comes more because that is how I feel loved.

With the other four love languages, I can easily rule out some of them.

receiving Gifts has never been a huge thing for me. Of course, I enjoy getting a nice gift once in awhile, but getting stuff doesn't do much for me. That also causes me to not give gifts to others as much, but that is another thing entirely.

Acts of Service... As far as chore based stuff, that isn't something that bothers me very much. If the kitchen or whatever gets really bad then I get annoyed, but not much until that point. Certainly I enjoy serving in some ways, but I don't usually look for ways that I can serve someone unless I have a reason to.

Physical Touch is a bit more ambiguous. I think it isn't my top love language but it is certainly higher than the previous two. For example, I enjoy giving and receiving hugs, and I enjoy people messing with my hair. I also really enjoy messing around with people (such as poking or tickling) and I don't mind giving the occasional massage, but that doesn't happen too often. I think I might have a good sense of physical touch, but I don't typically feel hurt if I don't get a hug from someone. I need to ponder this more.

Quality Time. This one is also a little hard because I enjoy spending quality time with people. I think I'm a pretty good listener so I'm more than content to spend awhile listening to someone and adding my thoughts to the conversation once in awhile. I also find myself often wishing one of my friends was on IM that I have good conversations with, especially if I'm having a bad day because I would rather do that most of the time than watch a movie or play a game.

So I'm not sure really. I mean, I would argue that there are many different parts of the five love languages that help me to feel loved, especially in quality time, physical touch and words of affirmation. I think that out of those, there are particular ones that make me feel more loved than others.

I'm wondering if part of my unease tonight is that I'm missing out on some of what makes me feel loved. Even just considering tonight, I got plenty of awesome hugs and got to mess around with my friend, so I'm not really lacking much in physical touch. I also have been able to spend some good time with my mom today and somewhat with my friend, although she was also trying to spend time with her other friends.

This brings me back to my original conclusion that my 'primary' love language is along the lines of words of affirmation. Of course, within that there are many of what Chapman would call 'dialects,' so perhaps there is a particular type of affirmation that really sets me off (in a good way).

Like I said before, being torn down verbally can be really painful for me, but what tends to lift me up. As I think about it, as much as I enjoy being behind the scenes, I really do love it when I get acknowledgement of what I'm did, even though I do tend towards some false humility and embarrassment when someone brings it up. I kinda want to spend some time thinking back to my romantic relationships and try and figure out what were the moments which really made me feel loved. But, at the moment, it is late and to be honest I fear too much of the pain to try and really go into it tonight.

That's all I got for now. I hope this makes sense in the morning. I feel really frazzled at the moment and I really have no idea why. Good Night everybody.

So I don't want to go to sleep quite yet...

Well, there isn't too much that has gone on since my last edition of "What's going on in my mind" but there are some notable things:

My friend did get the job. Congratz to him. Now I just need to make sure he doesn't get too full of himself, not to mention hopefully encourage him in better monetary management and stuff like that. Hopefully it will go well and his wife will be able to start transitioning into being a full time mom instead of working and not being able to spend as much time with the bebey (whom will not remain as such for very long).

Speaking of his wife. I have finally been able to spend some time with her and get to know her better on her own as separate from my friend. I hope we have more opportunities to spend time with each other, not to mention for me to spend time with the baby, as I am the Godfather/Uncle after all. Plus, the more I can learn now, the better I will be when/if I have children of my own. Call me a daddymom in the making.

Today was my mom's birthday! Woo. I had a good time spending time with her today and I'm looking forward to more tomorrow. My parents are in the process of changing around the house. Mainly to move as much onto one level as possible. That means that my childhood room is finally going to go away. I would request a moment of silence.



~sniff~



Okay, I'm good. Honestly, I don't think the shock/change hasn't hit me yet. I'm not one to mourn too much about anything, but it will take a little while for my mind to get used to this new concept, especially considering that I spent a good 16-17 years of my life here. The bigger shock will come once my parents actually move to another location, which is the eventual plan (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ~breathe~ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH). When I'm over I sleep on the couch anyway, so it isn't like I'm losing my place. It will be mucho different. That's for sure.

My mom responded to the news about my grade better than I expected. My overall final GPA for the semester is 2.9 and my overall is 3.4. Ick. I believe it would have to go down below 3.2 to take away my scholarship. If not, I'm sure you will hear about it. I still need to talk to my dad tomorrow, but that shouldn't go too badly.

Either way, I have some serious work to do for next semester in my time management. Some people would say that I spend to much time on outside activities or whatever, but I feel that it is a problem with my procrastination and the time I'm used to spending on my papers, which has dramatically changed. I really need to get working on papers earlier, not a few days before, especially big huge research papers which are the majority of my grade. If anybody has some good suggestions or books to read or anything like that please share! I can use all the encouragement and prayer that I can get.

Either way, I'm in a much better condition than last night when I first found out about my grades. I'm not happy about it, but I know everything will be alright. I made my decisions and I'm paying the consequences. That's the way things go. I know my parents still love me and God still loves me. The rest will run it's course.

So I guess I lied that not much has happened today.

I had my interview/visit/thing with a possible placement site. It wasn't a bad place. I think they have a really good style with good communication and whatnot, not to mention a working relationship with my university already. I do intend to look into some other sites on my own (I already got permission) over the next day or two so I can have a frame of reference to decide what I want to do.

I believe that the only other thing that I promised to talk about that I haven't gotten around to is the 'romantic' side of my life.

I mentioned my friend who I saw in person and my thoughts on maybe a relationship growing from that. I guess the best way to put it is that it has been put on hold. I realized that as much as it was fun to hang out with her, I'm afraid any relationship between us at this point would be more of dating for dating sake. At least that is the way it would be for me. I know she likes me, and it wouldn't be fair for her at all. Not to say I don't like her or anything, but we are at significantly different stages in our lives, from education/work, spirituality, personality, interests, etc. She is still an awesome person and I'm glad to have her as a friend.

Now to broaden this area of my life a bit. Overall, I'm a tad frustrated, because I know that in many ways I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I know some of those can't be avoided, and aren't going to resolve until I'm actually in the midst of a relationship, but there are other things such as my lack of transportation, not really having a job (since I'm not getting much money from this summer program) and perhaps most importantly trying to figure out where God is taking me right now. I know I'm really growing in my knowledge of God and what it means to follow after Jesus, and although I know the right person would enhance the journey, I don't know if God is wanting me to do this alone (ala Paul) or what. Even if I do take a year off after I graduate, and if I do go on to get a PhD, I don't like the thought of having me move out of state as a fixed point that could really impact any kind of romantic relationship that I'm in.

What makes it really hard is there are some really awesome people at church which are around my age and closer to me spiritually (both in where my heart is and more theologically as they are going to my church). This is something really new to me, because none of the girls I have been seriously interested in or dated have been from my church, and spirituality was never a big part of my relationships (I count that as part of my reasons for the relationships ending, neither of them had great desire to bring in God into the relationship while I see that as essential, even more now than before).

The great conundrum I'm in is how do I approach getting to know the girls in my church better. I know that I can't completely get away from any motives that I have, but I know the "I think she is cute" reason is very bad. Plus, with how I am, I wouldn't want to date anyone that I haven't had the chance to get to know first. But that is hard when my brain is essentially going "ooooooo pretty" (this, of course, is an extrapolation including both physical along with spiritual, intellectual, personality, etc. attraction) when I see them. I truly want to get to know them as my sisters in Christ and be able to have friendships with them beyond the 'datable or not' checklist which wants to show up in my mind.

I know there is nothing wrong with getting to know them for the time being. The important thing from what I can gather is to keep track of my motives (not to mention my eyes...). I would feel horrible if I did anything that damages their trust or whatnot because I was being selfish. I know I can't completely avoid hurting people, but it is better to try to avoid it. Of course, that also leads me into the danger of not taking risks if necessary, but I think that would come later. But, I don't know. I'm very cautious and indecisive, not to mention not the most observant person in the world. For all I know I might miss some indication that someone likes me unless they wave a sign stating it in front of my face.

It's hard trusting my loneliness to God. On an intellectual level, I know that God is the only one that can fully take away my loneliness, and even then there are ways in which having a certain amount of loneliness is helpful. Yet, that doesn't keep me from wanting to have a partner, and feeling that if I did it would solve some of my problems and help complete me. This may be true, but it also brings in a new set of problems, and doesn't fully fix the others. Love is hard. It may seem easy when your 'in-love' with someone and feel that they are perfect and all that jazz, but once real life sets in that's where true love comes in, and that takes work.

Speaking of Love being hard, and the stuff that I was just talking about, I picked up a copy of The Five Love Languages of God: Mens Edition by Gary Chapman today. It speaks to a lot of what I just mentioned, along with some other really helpful insights. This version is more for married men so I kinda wish I had picked up the Singles Edition, however, I think that my friend should read it so it isn't a waste and I don't need to take the time to exchange it.

In case you are unaware of his work, Chapman divides the 'Love Languages' into 1. Words of Affirmation, 2. Receiving Gifts, 3. Quality Time, 4. Acts of Service, 5. Physical Touch. The concept is that each person gives and responds to love in different ways. For example, one person feels loved when they spend quality time with their spouse/etc. while the other feels loved when their spouse takes out the trash, cleans up, etc. without being nagged. If one person is trying to show love in a way that the other person doesn't respond to, and if either one is unaware of it, it can cause a lot of problems.

I highly recommend reading up on the love languages, whether you're single like me or in a relationship. This knowledge is for sure helpful in a relationship, but it also goes for friendship and also in the way that you serve God. Some people really get a lot out of simply spending time with God, while others really feel in tune when they are out there doing something for God. I'm convinced that being aware of these differences can help any interaction. It's the same thing with the Meyers-Briggs exam.

Granted, you can't overgeneralize anything, and each person is going to be different. Nobody is locked into one single love language or personality, and they can be grown and developed, but a basic understanding is still helpful as long as it doesn't become dogmatic.

There are my thoughts for the evening. I should probably get some sleep now that I have let myself vent and process stuff. Thanks for joining me in that.

[Insert Creative Title Here]

So what do I tell my captive audience next? Which reminds me, I love comments. It makes me feel like people care what I say once in awhile, hee hee. No pressure or anything but I love answering questions or providing more information if people are curious or whatnot. So, that's all the begging for attention I'm going to do.

So the meeting with my former youth pastor went well. It was really nice to catch up with him and talk about how our lives are going and get his opinion on some stuff, especially since he has gone to grad school and whatnot. My friend's interview went really well. He doesn't quite have the job, but he feels confident in how it went, so I won't be surprised if he has a job in the next few days.

Speaking of him, I have to say I'm really impressed. He has recently been coming to church with me, and really finding Jesus. He grew up Catholic but many things happened a few years ago that caused him to lose faith, so he has a lot of bitterness to get over. I have really seen him grow. Our pastor always puts it that with Jesus, it doesn't matter as much where you are theologically, etc, etc, but whether or not you are going closer or further to Jesus. From what I can tell, he is "crashing into the Kingdom of God" faster than a lot of people I know who have grown up in the church and been good little followers of Jesus, but from what I can tell of their 'fruits' they are dead. But, I'm not the one that can judge other people's hearts.

Think about it, if anybody was closer to Jesus ethically, morally, spiritually, it would be the Pharisees. Yet, they were the subject of his most harsh criticism because inside they were dead. And here were these prostitutes, tax collectors, blind, lepers, etc. who were experiencing the love and healing of Jesus and crashing head first into the Kingdom of God.

The Kingdom of God, there is a really interesting subject. There is so much of it. I recommend The Gospel of the Kingdom by George Ladd. What the kingdom is goes back to the archaic definition of kingdom. It is not simply the area (realm) but the actual power and authority. As Ladd says, "The Kingdom of God is His kingship, His rule, His authority." The Kingdom of God includes the future "Heaven" where God is fully manifested on earth, it also includes the present because God has allowed us to experience part of his Kingdom after the resurrection of Jesus. It is also our experience of the blessings of God. You can find the full text of the book here: http://www.gospelpedlar.com/articles/GK/gospel_of_the_kingdom.html

I have really been experiencing the Kingdom of God lately. I have helped out with a ministry that is starting in our church over the last 2 Mondays. We went into an apartment complex in the poorer part of Arvada and had a meal then watched a Nooma video and had a discussion about it. This last week we only really got kids, but we are still learning how to do things. Even then, we are completely surrendered to what God wants to do. It's his show, we are just there to go where he sends us. Just because we think it should be run one way or another doesn't mean that is how it should be done. So we will see how it goes.

I really like my church. What can I say. There are some really awesome people here and I have grown so much in the last year. I'm excited to see what God is doing, both in me and in my friends. I think I'm getting closer to the point where I can say I'm excited to get up in the morning. I don't think that realization has completely hit me yet, but I'm very grateful for it.

Of course, there are some bumps in my life. I have currently cut off communication with my ex-gf for awhile. There is no reason to go into the details of why I chose to do this, because talking about the situation isn't going to do anything but increase the tension. In general, I feel like all I get is frustration when I talk to her, and if anyone else that I considered a friend started acting like that, I wouldn't put up with it so there is no reason why I should make an exception with her.

I mean, I believe that any relationship can be reconciled, even the most abusive hurtful relationship. But I'm also learning more and more that it doesn't always happen, and sometimes it is necessary to move on, for physical, emotional, and/or spiritual well being. I don't like that things have to be that way. Such as, one of my friends is getting a divorce. It breaks my heart, and I wish in some ways they (or at least the guy) would try harder to save the relationship. But, it looks like that is not going to happen. I know that God will work in either way that it goes. Still breaks my heart though.

Speaking of heartbreaks. My housemates wedding was this last weekend. I got to usher. I wore a suit and everything. It was really fun for the most part. The hard part was when they had communion during the service. Since they are Catholic, there was a Mass during the service.

I would like to pause, because my friend's little brother would like to say that I am weird.

After communion during the Mass, I was having a hard time keeping things together. Here are my friends and roommates that I love and I know are my brothers and sisters in Christ, but I can't share communion with them. I understand the difference in our understanding of communion. But that doesn't make it any easier. And I don't like the brokenness of the church.

Well. More happy news. I just checked my grades and it appears I have failed my first class. It was a class from last semester that I got an incomplete on. I got the final essay in, but it wasn't that good. I assume he at least got it, but I didn't get any confirmation. That really killed my GPA. To the tune of 3.8 down to 3.5. Needless to say, I'm trying not to have a nervous breakdown right now. It's not the end of the world, but it does mean I'm going to have to take another philosophy class in order to finish my major, which kinda throws off my plans of what I was going to take.

I know things will work out alright. But, at the moment I'm tired, I'm still in shock, and I'm glad my friend and his wife already went to bed because the Bacardi's up there are sounding pretty good for all the wrong reasons. This is where I'm glad I don't drink much. I'm probably going to go to bed soon because there are plenty of stress relievers which I could probably think of which would all be self-destructive in on way or another. And that wouldn't really help me much now would it?

I need to take a deep breath and pray. That's for sure. And pray. Not to mention pray. I'm definitely a wreck in the making at the moment.

I guess I will continue this series later. More I want to talk about of course, but I'm really not in the mood.

Night.

Is there life after finals?

So grades are due today and I still have two small things to turn in. I really am not doing well with this time management thing. I'm really going to have to figure out how to do this better these next two semesters, especially because they will be my last.

Overall, despite my rampant procrastination, it has been a really good year. I learned a lot and I had some really good times. I'm looking forward to next semester, although it is going to be really, really hard because I'm taking New Testament Greek, along with 2 or 3 upper division English classes, and Ancient Philosophy. I really need to manage my time better or I will die.

I think I have pretty much decided to take a year off once I graduate. It is my understanding that even if I get into a PhD program I can defer it for a year. Of course, that's the other thing. I'm going to be doing some serious praying and try to figure out if I want to continue going down the education route or not.

I have decided that I don't want a "American Christian" life. The church is too comfortable. Now, I'm not going to completely ignore the benefits over the last 1700 years, but I have always had a certain discomfort with the legalization of Christianity by Constantine. I think what is worst, is that it has allowed us Christians to spend too much time debating theological points, and allowing our faith to be dogmatic and ritualized (in all the bad ways) and not actually being out in the world and serving and loving others. Instead of reaching out to the gay community, the broken, the 'sinners' we cast judgment down on them.

How long is it going to take before we realize that if Jesus were here now he wouldn't be in the megachurches preaching sermons to millions of followers or helping take down corrupt governments, or maybe, just maybe, not even working for 'social justice' in the sense of reforming the systems in our world. Instead, he would be out on the streets, praying for and healing the broken and the disenchanted. He would be with those that Christians feel to good to touch, because we somehow forget where we came from.

So I don't know where I am going to end up at this point. I can fully embrace staying in education and being one of the people to equip people to go out into the world in need, while still making an impact in whatever community I'm in. But if God would have me do more somewhere else, I want to try and find out. I want to live a sacrificial life, and that is really hard in the comfort and the pressure of American consumeristic life.

Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt that I will be serving God wherever I end up and whatever I do. And I know who I am right now, and my intellect is one of my strongest gifts. But that doesn't mean that I will live the rest of my life in my office and my classroom if that's what I end up doing, because there are millions of people, billions even, who would not even get close to coming into my classroom, and those people need to be reached out to.

So that's where I'm at with that right now. I'm still in the process of figuring out where I'm going to be volunteering at this summer for the program I'm involved with. I'm going to be living with 5 other people, 4 students and one coordinator. Us students are going to be working 38 hours a week at a non-profit ministry/outreach kinda thing (since it is not a purely Christian program) and then we will be sharing a weekly meal and having different seminars related to different aspects of Social Justice. It is going to be very interesting. I have an interview this Thursday but I don't know if it is the place where I will want to work. I need to pray though, because I want to get beyond what I think is best for myself and where I'm comfortable etc.

In the middle of the program I'm going to be in Israel with a group from my old church (where my parents still go). I'm by far the youngest person and the only other people I really know are my parents and the head pastor, so I have a bit of anticipation for that. But I thought it would be an awesome opportunity so I figured I would take it. I'm kinda sad that I'm going to miss about a week and a half of a 10 week program, but there is not much I can do about it.

I'm meeting with my old youth pastor in a few hours, along with meeting my friend who is here from out of state for a little while among other things so I'm going to wrap up and get ready.

There are many more things which I want to talk about, which I hope I can get to later today. The subjects include, but are not limited to: My experience at my housemate's wedding last weekend and my concurrent thoughts on communion and the unity of the church, current thoughts on romance and my love life (or lack thereof?), the 'end' of my small group and a transition into the 'Nooma' ministry I've been involved in the past 2 Mondays, current interactions with my ex-gf (that is, the one who hasn't refused to talk to me since we broke up) and my best friend from high school, along with many other things which I'm sure will come up. Stay tuned!