So I don't want to go to sleep quite yet...

Well, there isn't too much that has gone on since my last edition of "What's going on in my mind" but there are some notable things:

My friend did get the job. Congratz to him. Now I just need to make sure he doesn't get too full of himself, not to mention hopefully encourage him in better monetary management and stuff like that. Hopefully it will go well and his wife will be able to start transitioning into being a full time mom instead of working and not being able to spend as much time with the bebey (whom will not remain as such for very long).

Speaking of his wife. I have finally been able to spend some time with her and get to know her better on her own as separate from my friend. I hope we have more opportunities to spend time with each other, not to mention for me to spend time with the baby, as I am the Godfather/Uncle after all. Plus, the more I can learn now, the better I will be when/if I have children of my own. Call me a daddymom in the making.

Today was my mom's birthday! Woo. I had a good time spending time with her today and I'm looking forward to more tomorrow. My parents are in the process of changing around the house. Mainly to move as much onto one level as possible. That means that my childhood room is finally going to go away. I would request a moment of silence.



~sniff~



Okay, I'm good. Honestly, I don't think the shock/change hasn't hit me yet. I'm not one to mourn too much about anything, but it will take a little while for my mind to get used to this new concept, especially considering that I spent a good 16-17 years of my life here. The bigger shock will come once my parents actually move to another location, which is the eventual plan (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ~breathe~ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH). When I'm over I sleep on the couch anyway, so it isn't like I'm losing my place. It will be mucho different. That's for sure.

My mom responded to the news about my grade better than I expected. My overall final GPA for the semester is 2.9 and my overall is 3.4. Ick. I believe it would have to go down below 3.2 to take away my scholarship. If not, I'm sure you will hear about it. I still need to talk to my dad tomorrow, but that shouldn't go too badly.

Either way, I have some serious work to do for next semester in my time management. Some people would say that I spend to much time on outside activities or whatever, but I feel that it is a problem with my procrastination and the time I'm used to spending on my papers, which has dramatically changed. I really need to get working on papers earlier, not a few days before, especially big huge research papers which are the majority of my grade. If anybody has some good suggestions or books to read or anything like that please share! I can use all the encouragement and prayer that I can get.

Either way, I'm in a much better condition than last night when I first found out about my grades. I'm not happy about it, but I know everything will be alright. I made my decisions and I'm paying the consequences. That's the way things go. I know my parents still love me and God still loves me. The rest will run it's course.

So I guess I lied that not much has happened today.

I had my interview/visit/thing with a possible placement site. It wasn't a bad place. I think they have a really good style with good communication and whatnot, not to mention a working relationship with my university already. I do intend to look into some other sites on my own (I already got permission) over the next day or two so I can have a frame of reference to decide what I want to do.

I believe that the only other thing that I promised to talk about that I haven't gotten around to is the 'romantic' side of my life.

I mentioned my friend who I saw in person and my thoughts on maybe a relationship growing from that. I guess the best way to put it is that it has been put on hold. I realized that as much as it was fun to hang out with her, I'm afraid any relationship between us at this point would be more of dating for dating sake. At least that is the way it would be for me. I know she likes me, and it wouldn't be fair for her at all. Not to say I don't like her or anything, but we are at significantly different stages in our lives, from education/work, spirituality, personality, interests, etc. She is still an awesome person and I'm glad to have her as a friend.

Now to broaden this area of my life a bit. Overall, I'm a tad frustrated, because I know that in many ways I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I know some of those can't be avoided, and aren't going to resolve until I'm actually in the midst of a relationship, but there are other things such as my lack of transportation, not really having a job (since I'm not getting much money from this summer program) and perhaps most importantly trying to figure out where God is taking me right now. I know I'm really growing in my knowledge of God and what it means to follow after Jesus, and although I know the right person would enhance the journey, I don't know if God is wanting me to do this alone (ala Paul) or what. Even if I do take a year off after I graduate, and if I do go on to get a PhD, I don't like the thought of having me move out of state as a fixed point that could really impact any kind of romantic relationship that I'm in.

What makes it really hard is there are some really awesome people at church which are around my age and closer to me spiritually (both in where my heart is and more theologically as they are going to my church). This is something really new to me, because none of the girls I have been seriously interested in or dated have been from my church, and spirituality was never a big part of my relationships (I count that as part of my reasons for the relationships ending, neither of them had great desire to bring in God into the relationship while I see that as essential, even more now than before).

The great conundrum I'm in is how do I approach getting to know the girls in my church better. I know that I can't completely get away from any motives that I have, but I know the "I think she is cute" reason is very bad. Plus, with how I am, I wouldn't want to date anyone that I haven't had the chance to get to know first. But that is hard when my brain is essentially going "ooooooo pretty" (this, of course, is an extrapolation including both physical along with spiritual, intellectual, personality, etc. attraction) when I see them. I truly want to get to know them as my sisters in Christ and be able to have friendships with them beyond the 'datable or not' checklist which wants to show up in my mind.

I know there is nothing wrong with getting to know them for the time being. The important thing from what I can gather is to keep track of my motives (not to mention my eyes...). I would feel horrible if I did anything that damages their trust or whatnot because I was being selfish. I know I can't completely avoid hurting people, but it is better to try to avoid it. Of course, that also leads me into the danger of not taking risks if necessary, but I think that would come later. But, I don't know. I'm very cautious and indecisive, not to mention not the most observant person in the world. For all I know I might miss some indication that someone likes me unless they wave a sign stating it in front of my face.

It's hard trusting my loneliness to God. On an intellectual level, I know that God is the only one that can fully take away my loneliness, and even then there are ways in which having a certain amount of loneliness is helpful. Yet, that doesn't keep me from wanting to have a partner, and feeling that if I did it would solve some of my problems and help complete me. This may be true, but it also brings in a new set of problems, and doesn't fully fix the others. Love is hard. It may seem easy when your 'in-love' with someone and feel that they are perfect and all that jazz, but once real life sets in that's where true love comes in, and that takes work.

Speaking of Love being hard, and the stuff that I was just talking about, I picked up a copy of The Five Love Languages of God: Mens Edition by Gary Chapman today. It speaks to a lot of what I just mentioned, along with some other really helpful insights. This version is more for married men so I kinda wish I had picked up the Singles Edition, however, I think that my friend should read it so it isn't a waste and I don't need to take the time to exchange it.

In case you are unaware of his work, Chapman divides the 'Love Languages' into 1. Words of Affirmation, 2. Receiving Gifts, 3. Quality Time, 4. Acts of Service, 5. Physical Touch. The concept is that each person gives and responds to love in different ways. For example, one person feels loved when they spend quality time with their spouse/etc. while the other feels loved when their spouse takes out the trash, cleans up, etc. without being nagged. If one person is trying to show love in a way that the other person doesn't respond to, and if either one is unaware of it, it can cause a lot of problems.

I highly recommend reading up on the love languages, whether you're single like me or in a relationship. This knowledge is for sure helpful in a relationship, but it also goes for friendship and also in the way that you serve God. Some people really get a lot out of simply spending time with God, while others really feel in tune when they are out there doing something for God. I'm convinced that being aware of these differences can help any interaction. It's the same thing with the Meyers-Briggs exam.

Granted, you can't overgeneralize anything, and each person is going to be different. Nobody is locked into one single love language or personality, and they can be grown and developed, but a basic understanding is still helpful as long as it doesn't become dogmatic.

There are my thoughts for the evening. I should probably get some sleep now that I have let myself vent and process stuff. Thanks for joining me in that.