This is for you, Z

So, something else came to mind that I have been wanting to put here.

In my Literary Theory class (of all places) I have been introduced to Radiohead. Now, I wouldn't call myself a fan, but I would say I have a respect for the band. The fact that they can be used in my Literary Theory class without being out of place says something in itself. I haven't really taken the opportunity to gain a wider taste of their musical talent, but hey, with me having finally broken down the Harry Potter wall who knows what is possible.

I suppose all that leaves is more 24, Alias, Lost... and another gagillion movies (not to mention bands and tv shows). Heh. I'm making progress though ;)

I have said many things tonight, and I'm tired, so I think I will leave it at this. After all, not every single post I make needs to be a novel.

-Daniel

Thoughts for the day

I decided to take the opportunity to simply write about today and what is going on in my mind.

There is nothing particularly spectacular that has gone on today, but for whatever reason I feel like writing.

I guess it is more what has been rolling around in my thoughts lately, especially concerning my friend. Over the past few days, we have talked more than we usually would, but it hasn't been very personal like a few nights ago. It has mostly been me getting the phone for a few minutes while my other friend does one thing or another, or just gives me the opportunity to say hello. Both of them talk on the phone just about every night. Despite having spent most of my time in my friend's room when they are talking to each other, I haven't really talked to my other friend until now. I hope that wasn't getting to confusing, since I'm being anonymous for now.

I still am amazed about how I forgot about her the way I did. I have cared for her since a little while after I met her (although to this day she swears that she thought I didn't like her when we first met). When I was around her it was easier to care about her, but once she moved away and we didn't keep in contact (as much my choice as hers... both of us still are growing in our keeping-in-touch-with-people skills...). I wasn't that long ago that I was able to spend some time with her this summer, but we faded out of each other's lives save for the occasional contact. With that, the feelings I had for her cooled. I think in many ways, it was my effort to protect myself, since I knew she was (and still is) feeling called to eventually joining a convent, not to mention the differences in our faith's etc. Part of me wanted to stop caring about her, because it hurt to much to know that despite however she might feel about me, joining the convent was still where she felt called.

I still am afraid of being in the way, but I think I am getting less worried about that. After all, I was the one reassuring her that if anything, dating somebody is probably one of the best ways to discern if living a celibate life is a decision she wants to make. As stupid as it sounds, I don't want to be getting in the way or distracting her from whatever God's will is for her life, but as I think about that... is it even possible for me to do that? The way I see it, God has a path set out for us, that would be the best path for us, but because we have free will and can decide to follow that or not, for every decision we make God modifies the path, so we can always reach the place he would like us to be, even if we make it more difficult for ourselves. Thus, I have nothing to worry about.

After talking to her, I have felt a greater peace than I have had in awhile. I still feel lonely, but somehow it isn't so bad. I guess, knowing for certain that someone truly cares about you can bring that. In all honesty thought, I should be focusing on God for that, but it is difficult to focus on him, when he doesn't have the same physical presence and voice that his creations do. Developing a relationship with God is difficult. He is not like one of my roommates that I can just sit down and chat with. I don't mean to say that there is no such thing as a personal relationship with God. Instead, I'm pointing out that it is different. I know God speaks to me, but it is much harder to sit and listen.

It has been somewhat odd for me lately. I can see in my life some of my deficiencies... things that I could improve upon and whatnot. I think I have come close to falling into the trap of feeling like I can't do certain things until I know how, or until I have more knowledge etc. I need to take more steps of faith, where I know that I cannot do it but I trust that God will provide. But on the other hand, there are still steps I can take to improve myself. I know I need to spend more time with God in prayer and reading scripture, but I don't take the steps necessary.

I really need to learn the art of doing things for a short period of time. First with God... I don't need to be 100% alert to spend quality time with God, and it doesn't need to be hours. It can just be 5 minutes or 10, but that would be more than I would otherwise have. The same goes for homework. If I would spend just 30 mins working on something, instead of procrastinating and then working on it for a few hours straight, I think my life would be much less stressful.

I don't need to be perfect to serve God. In fact, I wouldn't want to be perfect anyway. But it is an easy trap to fall into... that I need to know how to do it myself before I can do it for God. Instead of going out with faith in a God much greater than I am, I freeze, feeling myself to be too inadequate to be used.

So what about my friend? Since we haven't talked further, I'm not sure where things might go. I know that God placed us together for a reason. Just as that strange romance/fling/thing that I was involved with a few weeks back brought up many things for me to deal with and challenged me to grow in some ways, and to also see how quickly things can go forward before any foundation has been built. As for my friend... we already have the beginnings of a foundation. If I learned anything from that fling, it is the value of patience and taking things slowly. Simply because my friend has voiced that she has decided to not exclude the possibility of dating while she is discerning becoming a nun, that doesn't mean we have to jump into a relationship right now. Even if she was still on campus and close by we still wouldn't have to start dating now. Since she is not close any longer, there are plenty of practical things that would get in the way of any relationships.

For now, it is important for us to continue talking. We need to decide if this is something we want to do. I care about her, and because I care about her, it would be difficult to spend time with her as just friends, abandoning any thought of relationships. But I know it would be possible, and she is such a valuable friend, it would be hard to lose her if a relationship ended badly. I know we would have to change how we acted around each other in person for awhile, but if that is the decision we make, I know it can happen.

If we do decide to take the chance of a relationship, I know we would still take things slowly. Because she is such a beautiful person to me, I don't want a relationship with her to be like those I was in before. Not only in the physical ways, but also emotionally and all other things. I could not bear to hurt her, or to see things turn out the way they have with my previous relationships.

I know myself, and I am still growing in my trust of myself and how I act in a relationship. I believe that if anyone, my friend is someone that I can take it slowly with. She has never been in a real relationship, and there are many things that would be new to her, and knowing her personality, she would not be one to rush into anything. There is something else about her which has been particularly interesting to me... She has not been someone that I have wanted to fantasize about, or look at in a sexual way. It is certainly not because I am not attracted to her... but it is something else. There is something about her that allows me to be around her, and to hold her, and it not degrade into something vulgar.

To be bluntly honest... up to now, she is the only woman (excluding those who I have no romantic feelings towards) that I would be comfortable cuddling with or even sleeping next to, without fear of something more going on. Some of that doubtlessly has to do with that we have never kissed or done anything further that would be a stepping stone, however, she is the only person that I have ever wanted to be with that I have had no fear of things going to far. I know that this is not because she is not a sexual being, instead it is something else. I believe that if we became more intimate things could change... but I don't think I would want them to change.

I treasure the moments I have had with her... where I can hold her, and care for her and not worry... and I do not want to lose that. There is something so holy and pure about it. Not that sex is dirty, but it has its place, and it is not for a dating relationship. I have come close enough to realize that... and it is something I hope my friend never has to experience. I pray that God will continue to protect her and shelter her in that way, and that he can give me the strength to honor her should we date.

Despite all the "what if's" I am still peaceful. It is strange because I have never felt this way about a possible relationship. It is something new... refreshing... like this is how things are supposed to be. Like all things human, our relationship wouldn't be perfect... but I can see much greater hope than I have ever felt, and that gives me a joy in the depths of my being. Even if we do not have a relationship, or if we do start a relationship, and she decides that joining a convent is where God wishes her to be... she has brought me hope for how a Godly relationship can be.

That is some of what is on my mind right now. Many things have coalesced together as I have put my thoughts down, and I find myself even more peaceful and hopeful than when I began. Life is still not easy, and I still have homework to take care of etc. etc., but there is light.

-Daniel

Okay so life is interesting...

Alright... This is where I admit that God is in control and has a much better idea of what all is going on than I do.

This is also where I admit that staying silent like I threatened to do is not always the best way to act.

I was hurt and scared when I was writing that. I was giving into the part of me that says to take the easy way... to hide feelings, not speak up and be assertive... give up and give in. It's not the way to live... not the way I want to live. But it is easy to do.

What brings this change you ask? Well... my friend... after much thought... has decided that she shouldn't keep herself from dating, even though she still is thinking about becoming a nun. Like I said to her while we were talking a bit ago... dating more than anything will probably make it clear if becoming a nun is what God wants for her.

Of course, this isn't going to be easy or anything. We haven't begun to talk about if this is something that we actually want to try to go through with.

Primarily, both of us are very concerned about our friendship. It is something that neither of us want to lose.

There have been plenty of relationships in which the two people are able to separate and still be friends, with both agreeing that the relationship was not meant to be. However, there are equally as many which have not ended so peacefully, whether from one of the two still wanting the relationship to continue, or because things blew up and neither could stand each other any longer.

That above all other things is probably the thing we need to weigh most. Can we successfully date with the potential of being just friends if things don't work out? How do we need to act around each other if it is going to be a possibility?

I think ultimately it is just a risk we are going to have to take... Trusting that God has our best in mind, and that if we follow him most of all, that he will keep us and our relationship safe. There is no way that we can pull off anything, one way or another, without him in the relationship.

There are other things to consider of course. Like I have mentioned before, for now, neither of us have a car, so we would be relying on family and friends, which isn't always that good for a dating relationship... hehe. Even if we did have car's, we are both far away and are pretty busy with school and work stuff (although, I admit, she does work more than I do, but she needs to do that for school).

And also, there is the whole Catholic vs. Protestant thing we got going on.

So yeah, we have a lot of talking to do. I'm still shocked she wants this. I was speechless for awhile. I know God is in control of this... Somehow things will work out, and I know it will be for the best.

I will be sure to keep everyone posted!

-Daniel

Okay so I saw Harry Potter... finally.

So, here I am.

I finally got around to seeing Harry Potter. I watched the first three movies over the course of the weekend, and I went to see the fourth movie tonight with some friends.

I admit, it wasn't that bad. They were quite entertaining actually. The latest one was definitely very very dark, at least compared to the first three.

I have to say, I do want to go read the books now, since I know they will be better than the movies. Like I have time for that... I haven't gotten to anything else that I have wanted to read, let alone my actual homework. Heh heh.

Anyway, I just thought that I would post it so my friends stop bugging me about not having seen it ;)

Mischief Managed, hehe

-Daniel

I had forgotten how this feels...

Sigh...

I had thought I was over this... but I guess I was wrong.

There is a girl... one who I deeply care about... and not only is a truly awesome person, but also someone who embodies many of the things I would want in the kind of person I would want to marry.

Unfortunately, as things are, there is no possibility of a relationship between us working out. First, she lives fairly far away right now, so we wouldn't be able to see each other much, especially with how busy we are. Second, she is Catholic, and I'm not. Not that I see anything wrong with Catholics, but I know many of my beliefs are not the same as in the Catholic faith, and that would make any relationship difficult, because my faith is a deep part of who I am and is something I would want to be a deep part of my relationship. However, all these practical sorts of things aside, the thing is that she feels called to be a Nun... and that is somewhere that I cannot possibly follow her.

I had thought that I had resolved this in my heart... that I had been able to move on, knowing that the relationship God has given us is most likely not a romantic one.

I guess now, after spending a good part of the day with her... that I was wrong.

It hurts.

Perhaps that is why I had forgotten.

On the one hand, there is something so beautiful about being able to spend time with her, and hold her, and touch her... and not worry about things going further, or anything like that.

But oh.. my heart aches...

I am greatful that we can have such a great level of trust and comfort with each other. There are not many relationships like that between men and women who are not dating. And for that, I can be greatful. But that doesn't take away the pain that is there in knowing every single time that I touch her that it can only be as friends.

I'm glad that she isn't able to read me quite as well as she can read my other friend (of course, my other friend can read me pretty well) because otherwise I know she would see the pain that lingers behind my glances. I feel bad sometimes... that I simply act like I am tired... or come up with an excuse about something else being on my mind like homework.

I just wish that it didn't hurt like this... that I could enjoy her company, rejoice in the friendship that God has given us that is so special, and something that I value. But it hurts so much... so much that I really don't talk to her. Sure, we are both busy... but that is no excuse. My other friend talks to her almost every night... there is no reason why we couldn't talk more than we do. I guess I should be honest with myself, that the real reason is how much it hurts whenever we get beyond the surface level of "how are you doing and how are your classes and work?"

I wish I knew what to do.

When she was on campus last year, we did talk some about this, but it was only a handful of times and we never really resolved anything... and things obviously have changed some in the last few months.

From what I understand, she isn't completely unaware of how I feel about her. I know that she has been afraid that she has pushed me away, or somehow lost our friendshiip. I doubt she understands how much I actually care about her.

But, with that in mind, I also care about her enough that I wouldn't want to at all get in the way of where God seems to be calling her.

So I choose to remain in the shadows.

For better or for worse.... silent I will remain.

Lord help me...

Daniel

I'm a Godfather!!!

Well everyone, as of 3:27 P.M. yesterday (11-5-2005) I am the Godfather of my best friend's little baby girl, Sabine Marie Peraro.

She weighed in at 8 lbs, 2.7 oz.

My friend's wife had to do a C-Section. She was in labor for about 25 hours before that, so it is kinda understandable.

It was a long weekend though. I was told by my friend to go to the hospital at about 1:45 on Friday and I was there until about 6 on saturday, including having slept on the floor of a waiting room. Suffice to say I didn't get too much homework done.

Of course, going to a party right after I left the hospital and not getting home until 2:30 didn't help much. Hehe.

Speaking of that, I had my first beer last night... Flat Tire Ale... I have to say, I didn't really enjoy it much. I didn't actually finish the bottle. My friends say that it is an aquired taste. I can definitely see that. I think I will always stick with the sweeter drinks... We shall see.

There are some other things that have gone on, however I think I will make a separate post about that later, since the main reason for this post is the baby!

I will try to get a picture up once I get them from my friend.

Bye everybody.

-Daniel

Some thoughts on relationships....

This was originally a comment on a friend's post about her frustration with relationships. I ended up writing a quite lengthy response, and I decided I would modify it slightly and post it as a blog... sooo here you go:

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From my own experience and from what I have seen in other people, after I start focusing on God instead, thats when the other things start to fall into place. From what my first gf said, it wasn't too long after she gave up on trying to find someone to date, that she realized that I was a pretty good guy, and so it went from there. I think not only is focusing on God in the first place good in itself, but it also helps to focus myself on what really would be important to me in a relationship.

I have to say, I'm finding myself in an interesting place right now. It's not that I'm not enjoying being single, but I am finding myself feeling lonely, despite having some really awesome friends and housemates. It's so easy for me to believe that if I find the right person and start dating that I will feel better... but in my heart I know that it is God first, and that through God I can have a really meaningful relationship... But that doesn't seem to make sense enough in my mind that I want to do that. I would rather take it into my own hands and try and fix it myself instead of just giving it up to God...

Looking back on the weird relationship type thing that I got into a few weeks ago, I think I became too interested in being in a relationship before actually getting to know someone well, so I gave into the pressure and gave up on some of the boundries I know I should have followed, and in the end I found myself thrown aside more or less. I'm just glad I was able to keep my focus on God otherwise I think it could have affected me much more than it did.

I guess thats the really hard part about relationships. From what I can tell from my experience, the biggest part in having a sucessful relationship with another person requires a sucessful relationship with God. After that, I feel it is extremely important to really get to know someone before a relationship gets serious. I don't think that necessarily means you can't hang out with someone or go on some dates before you know them well, but it is important in that time to keep strong boundaries, both physically and emotionally... And both of those things are hard to do. I know for me, that if I jump into a relationship before I have developed in myself the focus needed to spend time with God, being in a romantic relationship would make it that much harder to spend time with God. As far as the boundaries part... that is also hard for me because part of me wants to be able to open up completely, and to be able to be intimate with a person... but the hard part of that is that it can become a 'slippery slope' as it were, with each step making it harder to keep from taking the next, until the relationship has degraded into something else... which is not pleasant at all.

The hardest part about all of this, is that although it makes sense in my mind, and I know how it should work out and what would be best for me, it is very difficult to actually pull it off... to give up all my control and trust God. I want to be with someone and hold them and get to know them but how can I do that until I get to know God deeper? Yet I can't seem to bring myself to actually spend the time with God, despite how awesome it is... Every time I have a deep experience with God, I wonder to myself how I can not want to spend time with him... yet at times like right now it doesn't seem that exciting and I would rather sit and play a game than get to know my Almighty Creator who Loves me... to quote Kutless "It all seems backwards in my head"

Anywho, I guess you can tell I have been thinking about this kinda stuff for awhile ~laughs~ Signing off for now.

-Daniel