I had forgotten how this feels...

Sigh...

I had thought I was over this... but I guess I was wrong.

There is a girl... one who I deeply care about... and not only is a truly awesome person, but also someone who embodies many of the things I would want in the kind of person I would want to marry.

Unfortunately, as things are, there is no possibility of a relationship between us working out. First, she lives fairly far away right now, so we wouldn't be able to see each other much, especially with how busy we are. Second, she is Catholic, and I'm not. Not that I see anything wrong with Catholics, but I know many of my beliefs are not the same as in the Catholic faith, and that would make any relationship difficult, because my faith is a deep part of who I am and is something I would want to be a deep part of my relationship. However, all these practical sorts of things aside, the thing is that she feels called to be a Nun... and that is somewhere that I cannot possibly follow her.

I had thought that I had resolved this in my heart... that I had been able to move on, knowing that the relationship God has given us is most likely not a romantic one.

I guess now, after spending a good part of the day with her... that I was wrong.

It hurts.

Perhaps that is why I had forgotten.

On the one hand, there is something so beautiful about being able to spend time with her, and hold her, and touch her... and not worry about things going further, or anything like that.

But oh.. my heart aches...

I am greatful that we can have such a great level of trust and comfort with each other. There are not many relationships like that between men and women who are not dating. And for that, I can be greatful. But that doesn't take away the pain that is there in knowing every single time that I touch her that it can only be as friends.

I'm glad that she isn't able to read me quite as well as she can read my other friend (of course, my other friend can read me pretty well) because otherwise I know she would see the pain that lingers behind my glances. I feel bad sometimes... that I simply act like I am tired... or come up with an excuse about something else being on my mind like homework.

I just wish that it didn't hurt like this... that I could enjoy her company, rejoice in the friendship that God has given us that is so special, and something that I value. But it hurts so much... so much that I really don't talk to her. Sure, we are both busy... but that is no excuse. My other friend talks to her almost every night... there is no reason why we couldn't talk more than we do. I guess I should be honest with myself, that the real reason is how much it hurts whenever we get beyond the surface level of "how are you doing and how are your classes and work?"

I wish I knew what to do.

When she was on campus last year, we did talk some about this, but it was only a handful of times and we never really resolved anything... and things obviously have changed some in the last few months.

From what I understand, she isn't completely unaware of how I feel about her. I know that she has been afraid that she has pushed me away, or somehow lost our friendshiip. I doubt she understands how much I actually care about her.

But, with that in mind, I also care about her enough that I wouldn't want to at all get in the way of where God seems to be calling her.

So I choose to remain in the shadows.

For better or for worse.... silent I will remain.

Lord help me...

Daniel