Thoughts for the day
I decided to take the opportunity to simply write about today and what is going on in my mind.
There is nothing particularly spectacular that has gone on today, but for whatever reason I feel like writing.
I guess it is more what has been rolling around in my thoughts lately, especially concerning my friend. Over the past few days, we have talked more than we usually would, but it hasn't been very personal like a few nights ago. It has mostly been me getting the phone for a few minutes while my other friend does one thing or another, or just gives me the opportunity to say hello. Both of them talk on the phone just about every night. Despite having spent most of my time in my friend's room when they are talking to each other, I haven't really talked to my other friend until now. I hope that wasn't getting to confusing, since I'm being anonymous for now.
I still am amazed about how I forgot about her the way I did. I have cared for her since a little while after I met her (although to this day she swears that she thought I didn't like her when we first met). When I was around her it was easier to care about her, but once she moved away and we didn't keep in contact (as much my choice as hers... both of us still are growing in our keeping-in-touch-with-people skills...). I wasn't that long ago that I was able to spend some time with her this summer, but we faded out of each other's lives save for the occasional contact. With that, the feelings I had for her cooled. I think in many ways, it was my effort to protect myself, since I knew she was (and still is) feeling called to eventually joining a convent, not to mention the differences in our faith's etc. Part of me wanted to stop caring about her, because it hurt to much to know that despite however she might feel about me, joining the convent was still where she felt called.
I still am afraid of being in the way, but I think I am getting less worried about that. After all, I was the one reassuring her that if anything, dating somebody is probably one of the best ways to discern if living a celibate life is a decision she wants to make. As stupid as it sounds, I don't want to be getting in the way or distracting her from whatever God's will is for her life, but as I think about that... is it even possible for me to do that? The way I see it, God has a path set out for us, that would be the best path for us, but because we have free will and can decide to follow that or not, for every decision we make God modifies the path, so we can always reach the place he would like us to be, even if we make it more difficult for ourselves. Thus, I have nothing to worry about.
After talking to her, I have felt a greater peace than I have had in awhile. I still feel lonely, but somehow it isn't so bad. I guess, knowing for certain that someone truly cares about you can bring that. In all honesty thought, I should be focusing on God for that, but it is difficult to focus on him, when he doesn't have the same physical presence and voice that his creations do. Developing a relationship with God is difficult. He is not like one of my roommates that I can just sit down and chat with. I don't mean to say that there is no such thing as a personal relationship with God. Instead, I'm pointing out that it is different. I know God speaks to me, but it is much harder to sit and listen.
It has been somewhat odd for me lately. I can see in my life some of my deficiencies... things that I could improve upon and whatnot. I think I have come close to falling into the trap of feeling like I can't do certain things until I know how, or until I have more knowledge etc. I need to take more steps of faith, where I know that I cannot do it but I trust that God will provide. But on the other hand, there are still steps I can take to improve myself. I know I need to spend more time with God in prayer and reading scripture, but I don't take the steps necessary.
I really need to learn the art of doing things for a short period of time. First with God... I don't need to be 100% alert to spend quality time with God, and it doesn't need to be hours. It can just be 5 minutes or 10, but that would be more than I would otherwise have. The same goes for homework. If I would spend just 30 mins working on something, instead of procrastinating and then working on it for a few hours straight, I think my life would be much less stressful.
I don't need to be perfect to serve God. In fact, I wouldn't want to be perfect anyway. But it is an easy trap to fall into... that I need to know how to do it myself before I can do it for God. Instead of going out with faith in a God much greater than I am, I freeze, feeling myself to be too inadequate to be used.
So what about my friend? Since we haven't talked further, I'm not sure where things might go. I know that God placed us together for a reason. Just as that strange romance/fling/thing that I was involved with a few weeks back brought up many things for me to deal with and challenged me to grow in some ways, and to also see how quickly things can go forward before any foundation has been built. As for my friend... we already have the beginnings of a foundation. If I learned anything from that fling, it is the value of patience and taking things slowly. Simply because my friend has voiced that she has decided to not exclude the possibility of dating while she is discerning becoming a nun, that doesn't mean we have to jump into a relationship right now. Even if she was still on campus and close by we still wouldn't have to start dating now. Since she is not close any longer, there are plenty of practical things that would get in the way of any relationships.
For now, it is important for us to continue talking. We need to decide if this is something we want to do. I care about her, and because I care about her, it would be difficult to spend time with her as just friends, abandoning any thought of relationships. But I know it would be possible, and she is such a valuable friend, it would be hard to lose her if a relationship ended badly. I know we would have to change how we acted around each other in person for awhile, but if that is the decision we make, I know it can happen.
If we do decide to take the chance of a relationship, I know we would still take things slowly. Because she is such a beautiful person to me, I don't want a relationship with her to be like those I was in before. Not only in the physical ways, but also emotionally and all other things. I could not bear to hurt her, or to see things turn out the way they have with my previous relationships.
I know myself, and I am still growing in my trust of myself and how I act in a relationship. I believe that if anyone, my friend is someone that I can take it slowly with. She has never been in a real relationship, and there are many things that would be new to her, and knowing her personality, she would not be one to rush into anything. There is something else about her which has been particularly interesting to me... She has not been someone that I have wanted to fantasize about, or look at in a sexual way. It is certainly not because I am not attracted to her... but it is something else. There is something about her that allows me to be around her, and to hold her, and it not degrade into something vulgar.
To be bluntly honest... up to now, she is the only woman (excluding those who I have no romantic feelings towards) that I would be comfortable cuddling with or even sleeping next to, without fear of something more going on. Some of that doubtlessly has to do with that we have never kissed or done anything further that would be a stepping stone, however, she is the only person that I have ever wanted to be with that I have had no fear of things going to far. I know that this is not because she is not a sexual being, instead it is something else. I believe that if we became more intimate things could change... but I don't think I would want them to change.
I treasure the moments I have had with her... where I can hold her, and care for her and not worry... and I do not want to lose that. There is something so holy and pure about it. Not that sex is dirty, but it has its place, and it is not for a dating relationship. I have come close enough to realize that... and it is something I hope my friend never has to experience. I pray that God will continue to protect her and shelter her in that way, and that he can give me the strength to honor her should we date.
Despite all the "what if's" I am still peaceful. It is strange because I have never felt this way about a possible relationship. It is something new... refreshing... like this is how things are supposed to be. Like all things human, our relationship wouldn't be perfect... but I can see much greater hope than I have ever felt, and that gives me a joy in the depths of my being. Even if we do not have a relationship, or if we do start a relationship, and she decides that joining a convent is where God wishes her to be... she has brought me hope for how a Godly relationship can be.
That is some of what is on my mind right now. Many things have coalesced together as I have put my thoughts down, and I find myself even more peaceful and hopeful than when I began. Life is still not easy, and I still have homework to take care of etc. etc., but there is light.
-Daniel
There is nothing particularly spectacular that has gone on today, but for whatever reason I feel like writing.
I guess it is more what has been rolling around in my thoughts lately, especially concerning my friend. Over the past few days, we have talked more than we usually would, but it hasn't been very personal like a few nights ago. It has mostly been me getting the phone for a few minutes while my other friend does one thing or another, or just gives me the opportunity to say hello. Both of them talk on the phone just about every night. Despite having spent most of my time in my friend's room when they are talking to each other, I haven't really talked to my other friend until now. I hope that wasn't getting to confusing, since I'm being anonymous for now.
I still am amazed about how I forgot about her the way I did. I have cared for her since a little while after I met her (although to this day she swears that she thought I didn't like her when we first met). When I was around her it was easier to care about her, but once she moved away and we didn't keep in contact (as much my choice as hers... both of us still are growing in our keeping-in-touch-with-people skills...). I wasn't that long ago that I was able to spend some time with her this summer, but we faded out of each other's lives save for the occasional contact. With that, the feelings I had for her cooled. I think in many ways, it was my effort to protect myself, since I knew she was (and still is) feeling called to eventually joining a convent, not to mention the differences in our faith's etc. Part of me wanted to stop caring about her, because it hurt to much to know that despite however she might feel about me, joining the convent was still where she felt called.
I still am afraid of being in the way, but I think I am getting less worried about that. After all, I was the one reassuring her that if anything, dating somebody is probably one of the best ways to discern if living a celibate life is a decision she wants to make. As stupid as it sounds, I don't want to be getting in the way or distracting her from whatever God's will is for her life, but as I think about that... is it even possible for me to do that? The way I see it, God has a path set out for us, that would be the best path for us, but because we have free will and can decide to follow that or not, for every decision we make God modifies the path, so we can always reach the place he would like us to be, even if we make it more difficult for ourselves. Thus, I have nothing to worry about.
After talking to her, I have felt a greater peace than I have had in awhile. I still feel lonely, but somehow it isn't so bad. I guess, knowing for certain that someone truly cares about you can bring that. In all honesty thought, I should be focusing on God for that, but it is difficult to focus on him, when he doesn't have the same physical presence and voice that his creations do. Developing a relationship with God is difficult. He is not like one of my roommates that I can just sit down and chat with. I don't mean to say that there is no such thing as a personal relationship with God. Instead, I'm pointing out that it is different. I know God speaks to me, but it is much harder to sit and listen.
It has been somewhat odd for me lately. I can see in my life some of my deficiencies... things that I could improve upon and whatnot. I think I have come close to falling into the trap of feeling like I can't do certain things until I know how, or until I have more knowledge etc. I need to take more steps of faith, where I know that I cannot do it but I trust that God will provide. But on the other hand, there are still steps I can take to improve myself. I know I need to spend more time with God in prayer and reading scripture, but I don't take the steps necessary.
I really need to learn the art of doing things for a short period of time. First with God... I don't need to be 100% alert to spend quality time with God, and it doesn't need to be hours. It can just be 5 minutes or 10, but that would be more than I would otherwise have. The same goes for homework. If I would spend just 30 mins working on something, instead of procrastinating and then working on it for a few hours straight, I think my life would be much less stressful.
I don't need to be perfect to serve God. In fact, I wouldn't want to be perfect anyway. But it is an easy trap to fall into... that I need to know how to do it myself before I can do it for God. Instead of going out with faith in a God much greater than I am, I freeze, feeling myself to be too inadequate to be used.
So what about my friend? Since we haven't talked further, I'm not sure where things might go. I know that God placed us together for a reason. Just as that strange romance/fling/thing that I was involved with a few weeks back brought up many things for me to deal with and challenged me to grow in some ways, and to also see how quickly things can go forward before any foundation has been built. As for my friend... we already have the beginnings of a foundation. If I learned anything from that fling, it is the value of patience and taking things slowly. Simply because my friend has voiced that she has decided to not exclude the possibility of dating while she is discerning becoming a nun, that doesn't mean we have to jump into a relationship right now. Even if she was still on campus and close by we still wouldn't have to start dating now. Since she is not close any longer, there are plenty of practical things that would get in the way of any relationships.
For now, it is important for us to continue talking. We need to decide if this is something we want to do. I care about her, and because I care about her, it would be difficult to spend time with her as just friends, abandoning any thought of relationships. But I know it would be possible, and she is such a valuable friend, it would be hard to lose her if a relationship ended badly. I know we would have to change how we acted around each other in person for awhile, but if that is the decision we make, I know it can happen.
If we do decide to take the chance of a relationship, I know we would still take things slowly. Because she is such a beautiful person to me, I don't want a relationship with her to be like those I was in before. Not only in the physical ways, but also emotionally and all other things. I could not bear to hurt her, or to see things turn out the way they have with my previous relationships.
I know myself, and I am still growing in my trust of myself and how I act in a relationship. I believe that if anyone, my friend is someone that I can take it slowly with. She has never been in a real relationship, and there are many things that would be new to her, and knowing her personality, she would not be one to rush into anything. There is something else about her which has been particularly interesting to me... She has not been someone that I have wanted to fantasize about, or look at in a sexual way. It is certainly not because I am not attracted to her... but it is something else. There is something about her that allows me to be around her, and to hold her, and it not degrade into something vulgar.
To be bluntly honest... up to now, she is the only woman (excluding those who I have no romantic feelings towards) that I would be comfortable cuddling with or even sleeping next to, without fear of something more going on. Some of that doubtlessly has to do with that we have never kissed or done anything further that would be a stepping stone, however, she is the only person that I have ever wanted to be with that I have had no fear of things going to far. I know that this is not because she is not a sexual being, instead it is something else. I believe that if we became more intimate things could change... but I don't think I would want them to change.
I treasure the moments I have had with her... where I can hold her, and care for her and not worry... and I do not want to lose that. There is something so holy and pure about it. Not that sex is dirty, but it has its place, and it is not for a dating relationship. I have come close enough to realize that... and it is something I hope my friend never has to experience. I pray that God will continue to protect her and shelter her in that way, and that he can give me the strength to honor her should we date.
Despite all the "what if's" I am still peaceful. It is strange because I have never felt this way about a possible relationship. It is something new... refreshing... like this is how things are supposed to be. Like all things human, our relationship wouldn't be perfect... but I can see much greater hope than I have ever felt, and that gives me a joy in the depths of my being. Even if we do not have a relationship, or if we do start a relationship, and she decides that joining a convent is where God wishes her to be... she has brought me hope for how a Godly relationship can be.
That is some of what is on my mind right now. Many things have coalesced together as I have put my thoughts down, and I find myself even more peaceful and hopeful than when I began. Life is still not easy, and I still have homework to take care of etc. etc., but there is light.
-Daniel
posted by Typo Panther at
10:42:00 PM
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