The Taste of Silence

I just got back from a silent retreat. Well, mostly silent.

It was very refreshing. I had ample time to relax and just snooze, along with read and pray and completely forget about homework for 48 hours.

Being an introvert I spend a lot of my time alone, and not having a car so either biking or walking adds to that. You would think then that I would already have plenty of silence.

I'm reminded that's not the case. It's easy to have fake silence.

Most of the time I'm in my room, my computer is usually on. It's loud enough on it's own (whirrrr.....) but more often than not I have music playing, or occasionally a video, and more often than not a game (although those will be scarce for Lent). So even though I'm alone, it's not usually in silence.

Even with walking and biking, I sometimes am listening to music or reading (well, when I'm walking, I'm not that crazy on my bike), but usually it's without any outside stimulation, but even then it is not really silence. Often enough I've left my house and my mind is filled with this or that and I'm at my destination before I realize it.

Silence is much more than an absence of noise.

During our meals, we were silent. No expectations of small-talk, only the soft music in the background and the clinking of dishes. I could actually taste the food I was eating. I enjoyed it more for what it was, instead of another step in my day. I guess that's what silence tastes like.

Tonight as I walked home, I took the time to actually look at the things that I pass by every day. The cityscape glimmering in the dark and the ethereal moon in the clouds were amazing. I found myself getting distracted as things crossed my mind, but I was still able to grasp a few moments of perfection.

Try being really silent sometime. Maybe then you will hear the whisper of God.

For a title I would need to know what I'm writing about...

It's around 4:00 on a Thursday afternoon and I'm realizing I haven't written anything in awhile.

First off, to get the not so fun stuff out of the way, for those of you who didn't know, my girlfriend broke up with me two Tuesday's ago. Sorry to those of you who weren't aware I was dating in the first place.

On the bright side, having her choose Jesus over me isn't that bad. After all, if your going to be broken up with for another guy, the son of God isn't something you can complain about.

That's what happens when your interested in someone who wants to become a nun, I guess.

School is rolling on... I'm being the chronic procrastinator I always am (You would think I would have learned after 16 years of school, but not so).

I definitely feel like I'm in Lent, although for me I think "Ash Wednesday" was a few months back. I hope Easter is soon...

Things with most of my friends seems really awkward. I can't say why. I've never been very good at actually reaching towards my friends. I usually expect people to do the footwork. I know I need to work on it but it doesn't help when I don't particularly feel like doing it.

Plus, I've missed the last three weeks of church for various reasons. No bueno.

I'm not ready to be single...



But who wants to rebound?



I'm not ready for life.... Or, "real life" at least.

I wish the Kingdom of God wasn't so... quiet. I'm so tired of all the theology and apology and philosophy... There are thousands of strains of Christianity, not to mention everything outside of Christianity, and everybody says they are right.

I feel more and more like I'm floating, that I don't fit in. Like I'm caught somewhere between all the different manafestations of worshiping God and nothing seems quite right.

Catholic, Protestant, Liberal, Conservative, Community, Individual, God, Us...

Enough already......



I need a better coping mechanism. Computers are so not cutting it.

I don't think all the books and people and drugs and booze and whatever could do anything either.

Obvious answer would be Jesus, but that seems so much more abstract. Well, perhaps not Jesus himself, but finding him at least.

One Song, Glory...

Yep.

It's the little things...

I remember a few semesters ago in my creative writing course how we talked about the importance of small actions. To be a good writer, you need to tell as much as you can by showing it through the actions and situations of your characters, instead of bluntly stating it. Through this you not only make the reader think, but you reveal the ambiguity that is part of life.

As I reflect on my recent breakup, it was the small things over the last few weeks that made me realize that something was not right.

It began about three weeks ago. I was sick with a cold and my girlfriend didn't want to get sick, so she wanted me to keep my distance so she wouldn't catch whatever I had, especially considering that her roommate was also sick. But even as I started to get a little better, the distance remained. I hoped that what I felt was only in my head, that it was just because I was still sick, but I knew better.

The one thing that spoke most to me was something very small. I have a ring that I wear with the phrase "True Love Waits". It was originally a promise ring that I had bought one for me and one for my first girlfriend. After storing it away for awhile I brought it back out and began wearing it again, as a personal promise to myself. For whatever reason, when her and I first started hanging out as friends, she had a knack for borrowing it and wearing it when we were around, and this continued up until a few weeks ago. At first when she refused my offer of the ring, I thought it might be because I was sick. But as the moments drew on, and she continued to refuse it, I knew something was going on.

It was that silence that spoke the most, even before the words finally left her mouth...