So much on my mind, so little time...

Well, I haven't vented here in awhile and I'm feeling in the mood tonight so I'm going to go for it. The slight problem is that I have to be up by 6:30 because of the pancake breakfast my house is doing tomorrow... aaaannnddd it's already 11:05 as I begin writing, and knowing me I could manage to type for a good long while, especially given all that has been going on and all that is currently on my mind.

I guess the first thing it might be worth writing about is what has gone on with my house since my last post. Obviously there is a lot going into it so I'm probably going to only do a nutshell, partly because I'm honestly a little tired of talking about it right now.

Things are a little bit calmer. I think some of my housemates are still frustrated with our directors and all that happened, but I think the majority of us are through the mourning stage. I can't really speak for all of them but only for myself so that's what I shall do.

I feel pretty good about things, at least as much as can be expected. I'm starting to miss Nick more, and fortunately I'm finding some time to talk to him and continue to get to know him as time goes on. I really wish that things could have turned out differently, but looking at it now, I believe our directors did what they had to given the situation, in order to best protect him, my housemates and I and the program. It was hard, but I think in some ways we needed that, and so did Nick, even though it was extremely difficult to go through that.

So that's what's been going on lately with that.

A week ago today my friend Christina became a Postulant (aka the first stage of becoming a Nun) and started her journey down the path she feels God is leading her. We had a really good talk the Thursday before she entered, and I'm feeling more confident about her decision, even if there are some areas that I'm not so sure about or can't completely agree with.

As you may or may not know, Christina and I actually did date for a little while. It was a very short relationship and Christina quickly discerned that this wasn't a direction she wanted to go.

This leads to an interesting discovery that I made tonight. To preface this, part of why this even could happen is that I'm currently surrounded by more Catholic friends than those of my own stripe, because if this wasn't the case it probably wouldn't be happening. But anyway, the discovery... it seems that all of the girls in Colorado that I've either been interested in (I.E. Christina) or that have qualities that I am attracted to but I have no real interest in pursuing (I.E. one of my current housemates along with a former volunteer from two years ago) have all at least considered becoming nuns, and the two that aren't yet taking that step seem like that is something they are going to more seriously explore in the near future.

Now, on the one hand this seems odd to me, partly because of the overall decrease in the number of people who are actually pursuing this kind of vocation overall. On the other hand, it isn't that odd given that the kind of people who would be drawn to that kind of vocation, especially in today's world, would have to be someone of pretty deep faith and calling, which is exactly the kind of person I would want to spend my life with, if getting married is really what I end up being called too (although, I don't feel much of a draw against that).

I'm also acutely aware in this exact moment in time how many Catholics I'm surrounded by compared to the more Protestant side (although, I'm the weird one who ends up somewhere in the middle...). This isn't an entirely bad thing, as the people I am around are nonetheless very awesome people who challenge me and with whom I'm really growing.

But, there are some things which I really do value from the tradition I grew up in and still choose to remain part of. I guess the main thing is that I really wish I could be part of a small group. In some ways, I know I could make the time, but my worry is that it will take away from me spending time investing myself in my community. It's hard enough for me to do that anyway, and if I'm trying to do it in two different places at once... errr... I don't know about that.

Some of it's kinda small things, like the style of music which I enjoy. I still get to experience it once in awhile, but not to the degree that I had before my volunteer year. A lot of it really is Theological, because as much as I love my Catholic brothers and sisters, there are obviously things that I disagree with to enough of an extent that I'm not inclined to become Catholic myself. So as much as I can share and discuss and live with my Catholic buddies, some things can only go so far.

I think what angers me most right now is that it has to be that way. I hate that there are such different views on the same Jesus that we are divided, as much as we might love each other.

So I guess right now I feel a bit of a gap, which I'm not sure how to fill. Seems a fitting time though, with Lent right around the corner.

Honestly, in some ways I can't complain. Although it isn't the most pleasant feeling to have this sort of ache, it's also refreshing because at least I have a direction, a clear goal to set my eyes on. Growing pangs, or so I hope.

Part of this seems to be my continued need to become comfortable in my singleness, because until I become comfortable here, I don't think being in a relationship would actually be helpful to me. I'm too much of an idealist and too much of a romantic sometimes. Can't always face the reality infront of me.

Well, that is my life in a nutshell, or at least as much that I can cram into 30 minutes worth of writing.

Until next time, Peace be With You.