Where do I go from here?

So, being in Grad School/Seminary has given me plenty to think through. Not to mention the normal experience of life.

Thus, I'm trying to make sense out of some of what I've experienced over the last few weeks. But it's going to be messy. You have been warned.

I'm not a very disciplined person. Those of you who know me well should probably be nodding your head, if not on the floor laughing.

But, I'm realizing more and more that I do need a certain measure of it in my life. I don't intend to become a completely strict person with no room for the randomness of life. But I need some structure, or I'm going to completely burn out.

It's funny, here I am learning about all these historic Christian spiritual practices, yet I struggle to implement even the most simple of them in my daily life. I get interested in something, go at it for a few days, maybe a week, then something breaks my stride and the momentum is gone. I'm aware that it takes a long time to make something a habit (and the same goes for breaking old ones) but it is still frustrating.

I'm not sure if it is something I can really do on my own. There is a part of me that longs for the monastic life. A set structure of prayer and work, to the point where the rhythm of that life is etched in your soul. There are some things that I disagree with about the contemplative monastic tradition, but the radical restructuring of life is alluring to me. I know I need something that radical in my life. But I know I can't do it by myself. I'm not strong enough.

So what would it look like today? For a group of people to come together, maybe daily, maybe weekly, and soak in the presence of God. A daily "quiet time" isn't enough. We are called to have the word of God written on our hearts, and our every breath a prayer to God. This isn't just a Sunday thing either.

I'm talking about really shifting my life. Like really setting apart a 24 hour period of a Sabbath, where I take time to enjoy God and enjoy life. Spending fixed times praying to God throughout my day, even if that means stopping what work I am doing, or even stepping away from hanging out with my friends to re-center myself.

The point of it wouldn't to become so rigid that I couldn't skip one time, or re-arrange it so I can spend time with people, or if something comes up that I just can't avoid. But the only way I could have such flexibility is to first have the pattern set in my life.

But like I said, I can't do that on my own. I need to know other people are doing the same, people who can keep me on track. People who I can spend time in worship of God beyond simply getting together on Sunday.

Who else is ready for that kind of change though? If I know anybody like that, then I don't know it. What I long for is such a subversion of the status quo. It means a complete reorientation of my priorities, it means sacrificing time that I could spend doing other things that I enjoy.

So how do I find that now? I know there are many people who are exploring what it means to be a modern day monastic. Living in communities together and pouring into the lives of others. Some day I might be able to participate in something like that. But for now, I'm a grad student, living on campus housing. I have homework to do, friends to spend time with. I'm not working right now, but I will have to find a job sometime, and that just adds more things to do.

Something has to change. The path I'm on is going nowhere. I'm fully aware of it. But choosing a new path will hurt. I'm afraid of the pain. If I don't have people to push me through, to walk beside me, I will just turn away and return to this dead end path that I'm currently on.

How can I lead others on a path that I have not traveled myself? How can I tell others of how Jesus has changed my life, when I resist every change? How do I proclaim that Christianity is the way the truth and the life, when I'm not really following it. I'm learning about God, but I'm not being with God.

And all I do is whine about being in this nowhere place. I'm too afraid to step into the mystery, too afraid to let go. I fill myself with things besides God, hoping that they fill my deep longings, but knowing they can't. Sure, acknowledging the problem is half the battle, but I haven't done anything with it.

I know I can't expect people to carry me along either. For true change to happen, it has to be my own steps. I need people to lean on along the way, but this has to be my choice, my effort. But, there lies the paradox, because God knows we cannot possibly do it ourselves. God carries us through, but that doesn't mean it is easy. Like I said before, I know it will hurt. I know it means letting go of a lot of things I value, even if I know they are only dust.

So why am I not more ready to make that step, begin that new journey. I'm trying to avoid the pain but I know I'm only bringing more on myself. I love for a complete life, but the only way to reach that is to go through the fire. Until then, all the things I truly long for will never come. I will be unable to have the relationship with another person that will bring us both joy, I will be unable to use all the gifts that God has given me. I will be a failure, stagnant, without growth or peace or joy or love. I will scrape by on the bits of Grace that God sends me, while yet resisting the full outpouring that God wishes to give me, but I am unable to receive.

What is wrong with me, really?

Can Words Express?

So how do I write a blog when I'm not sure if I can express even a fraction of what's on my mind? Well, I suppose I'm going to try. That's what I get for reading from 5 different books or so today.

I can feel the tug of God on my heart. I'm not sure exactly what direction it is in, or what it means, but it's there nonetheless. I know all my experiences, the churches I've been part of, the schools I went to, the communities I've participated in, all of it is leading me somewhere. I know what that is God has yet to reveal (other than where I find myself now). I have hints, vague images of what that place might look like, but I know that something new could enter my life and shift that direction just as many things have over the last few years.

It's so hard to express any of this. I barely know what direction I'm heading, so how do I express that to my friends, to my family, to my girlfriend? How many of the people in my life right now are people who might come along side me on this journey, and how many might I end up parting ways with as we go forward?

My life seems to be such a mesh of everything. There are many things that are important to me in some way or another, but nothing seems to define me more than others. This is not to say that I wish to be defined by a solitary issue, but I'm trying to find my own context. I AM ____?

Of course, I do find myself in a post-modern world, which rejects the rigid definitions of the past. A movement which seeks to take the good in all things. So it's no surprise really that I feel somewhat without grounding. But, isn't the point that Jesus should be my grounding point, not anything else around me. I think perhaps if I turn my focus more on Him, I will feel less lost. I would rather it be this way than be convinced that some movement or issue was the sole focus of my life, and be broken when that fails me.

But, it still leaves me with the question of how do I share any of this with those I share this journey with?

I suppose all people have a longing to be understood, and that ultimately nobody can be known completely except by God. So I know if focus too much on being understood, I will fail.

I guess the main thing seems to be that I feel the draw of opening myself up to wherever God will take me. And that can be a very unsettling thing, because the story of God is filled with many people being called to the ends of the earth and otherwise to places they never would have expected. And that can mean leaving everything behind.

I don't feel like God is going to call me to go serve in Africa or Latin America or Asia, it just doesn't resonate with who I feel God has made me. But who knows what might happen.

What I do feel the call of is community, in a way that isn't how it has formed in our culture. I long for living with people in a community, real connections not just geographical boundaries. I think about the 'hippie communes,' and Hebrew Kibbutz's, the Amish, monasteries and abbeys and other forms of intentional communites, but it seems like so often those groups have isolated themselves from the world, whatever their reasons.

I was part of a year long volunteer community, along with a shorter version in college. And I spent another year with four other men from my college as we tried to live intentionally with each other. But all of that was short term, and in some ways sheltered. They were all important in my life, but they have all faded away. It seems like there is a need for intentional communities to grow in more urban environments. Our culture has crippled us with our individualism.

So what would that look like? Perhaps it would be an apartment building, or maybe a group of houses on the same block. Maybe there would be space for a garden, but maybe not.

My girlfriend took the beginning steps of becoming a nun, but that is not where God has called her. I know she still longs for the kind of life set forth by the Rule of St. Benedict, even if she cannot live her life in a way as focused as that of the Abbey she was at. I know there are many people who try to live out those precepts as much as possible as they can (Oblates, Consecrated Virgins/Singles) but what's keeping a group of people coming together and living that out the best they can, even if they spend their day taking care of their children or serving coffee or selling real estate? There is a draw in me towards a monastic sort of life, but there is also an equally strong pull towards marriage. Why is it that they have to be separate?

I know there are other people who have felt that longing. There is a long history of Catholic Worker Houses where people have spent their lives living with the poor. In a sense, even those who live at Christian camps are a part of this style of life. But what is my place in this I wonder.

It scares the crap out of me that God might call me to be part of creating something new. I would much rather be part of the background, still active and participating, but to be a pioneer of sorts? Even if it is something I care about greatly it seems beyond my abilities. But, maybe that's the point isn't it. It never really was about me anyway. What better way to keep me humble than to have me do something that I know I couldn't have done on my own...

Goodnight.

ARGH (or: Because there are too many causes)

Welcome to Lent everybody.

So, I just got back from a viewing of a documentary called Very Young Girls, which documents the sex trafficking of underage girls in New York and the work of an organization called GEMS to get them out of "the life." This was followed by an introduction to a few organizations here in Colorado working on the issue of human trafficking and a short talk by Professor Claude d’Estrée of D.U. who has been working in the field of human trafficking for around 10 years.

This feeds in well to the idea of Lent in general. One of the two Ash Wednesday services that I went to yesterday focused on the environment, and how that we are come from the earth (as a note, the word we translate commonly into dust is more like topsoil than the stuff gathering on my computer monitor) and will return to the earth. It was a reminder that the first thing that God asked us to do, was to care for his creation, to be co-creators, and when we fell, so did the earth. Of course, I feel like the emphasis on our own personal sin and brokenness is an important question for this season, but it also should expand to our corporate experience.

This also feeds into something that's been running through my head for the past few days and is coming to life now in this here blog.

There is a lot of the world that is really screwed up, perhaps overwhelmingly much.

I mean, I spent a year in a volunteer program in downtown Denver. I worked in an organization giving out food to people who couldn't afford it, while my roommates worked in underfunded schools, homeless shelters and other organizations, while I continued to learn about issues in my city and around the world. But we only scratched the surface.

There is homelessness, poverty, education, the sex trade, genocide, drugs, human trafficking, hunger, the environment, wars, economics, exploitation... and the list goes ever on. And each issue has smaller components, each interlocking with others.

It's so easy to get locked into one issue or another... so, we don't support Wal-Mart, but is Target or K-Mart really that much better? We want to support organic food, but are the workers being compensated fairly for harvesting it? None of us really wants to mow our lawns or clean our bathrooms or do our laundry, so we hire it out. Are the people being compensated fairly? Are they actually getting paid in the first place? What about the products they use to clean, are those environmentally friendly? It can get maddening!

Sure, you can progress in one direction, while ignoring other issues at the same time. For another example, I enjoy shopping at REI, because they have a good environmental conscience for a large corporation (and I like getting a dividend back of what I spend there). But, I don't know under what conditions their environmentally friendly clothing is being manufactured under. And there is the question of whether it would be better to support a local store like Wilderness Exchange, because REI is still a megacorp at the end of the day. Are their workers being given a living wage? What are their benefits like? Do they have fair hiring practices? How much does their CEO make? You can see how this can keep going.

I guess I wonder to myself what exactly the line is. I mean, take Apple for another example, they are doing a large part in making their products more environmentally friendly, but Greenpeace still complains about them not having done enough?

Is it right to support an organization because it is doing one area well, even if they aren't as good as another? Do we ultimately just fall into this endless game of figuring out the lesser of two evils?

Sometimes our good motives and our plans end up doing more to hurt our cause. The speaker relayed a story about the boycott of chocolate once it was discovered that many of the plantations were using slave labor. All that the boycott did was force the plantations to use even more slave labor to make up for the loss. What did that accomplish? Fortunately that isn't the end of the story as we have the fair trade movement and other such things, but again, that's not my point.

Obviously, just ignoring it all isn't the solution, because that's what too many of us end up doing and so things just continue on their course un-protested.

I get tired of trying to convince my friends not to go shop at wal-mart when I know they are poor, and buying one item that actually supports the person who produced it means giving up the 9 other things they could have bought more cheaply. Sure, it does come down to making choices about our lifestyle and making sacrifices so others can have a decent life. And don't even get me started on the 'chic' movement. I'm sorry, but a $1000 purse made out of recycled materials is still complete bullshit.

I'm going to cut myself off here, because I'm really not sure what else I can say. I'm trying to be involved and be knowledgeable, and that's more than many people I know seem to be doing, but what little I do seems so small compared to everything else going on around me. I know I have to be confident that the small things I try to do are making an impact, and that as more and more people do something, even if it seems insignificant, that the Kingdom of God will advance... but it's still hard!

Now, if you made it this far, I would definitely love to hear what you have to say.

Something I noticed about sports movies

So my roommate was watching Drumline on the tv as I was getting ready to go workout this evening. I noticed that there seems to be a common theme in all the sports movies I've seen.

Invariably one of the best players, if not the main character, is a very talented young man or woman. They have the skills, but they don't know how to work on a teem. They either end up sparring with the coach, another star on the team, or the entire team. This is also usually a team that has no chance at winning the next game or big event, and is also likely to get cut, or have the coach fired, or something life threatening if they don't do so. At first they show their rebellion against the system, sometimes winning in spite of it, but often ending up messing up things for the rest of the team. Then there is some big change of heart, whether it be someone getting injured, or the person ends up taking the fall for or saving their rival from something. Then suddenly we have the comeback team, and they are able to win it all, or at least advance further than they were expecting to, and the cocky teenager/young adult ends up becoming a true team leader and has great success because they learned that it takes more than just raw talent to win. Oh, and we can't forget that we are often watching a dramatization of a true life story, and get a glimpse about what really happened after the events of the movie.

So, did I get that about right? I think I just covered the majority of the sports movies that I've ever seen. Gotta love it :).

Video Games

So I've been thinking lately.

Imagine that.

I've played video games for most of my life, to varying degrees of intensity. I've never been a "hardcore gamer" although I've definitely lost a lot of sleep over some games. In fact, I don't think I've ever paid full price for a game (although, I am considering doing just that with Dragon Age: Origins coming out this fall, brought to you by Bioware). But anyway, that's not the point of my rant, exactly.

I've figured out that it's the story, in most cases, that makes me enjoy a game. This is why I've never felt bad about cheating in a game, because I've never been that interested in getting down the mechanics or anything like that. It's always about advancing the story. I played through the StarCraft campaigns, and rarely played multiplayer. In fact, the computer can probably beat me pretty easily.

Even with games like the Halo series. I've played through the campaign once, so I know the story. I don't feel a drive to go through and master it on Legendary just to prove my worth as a gamer. I really only play it on multiplayer occasionally because of my friends.

This is probably why I've always enjoyed "Role Playing" games most. Because they are about the story of the characters, about their journey. In fact, games that are too open ended lose my interest. Take Morrowind and Oblivion as prime examples. The worlds that they created are so large that you can just wander around the map and completely disregard the main quest, or even the side quests. I need structure, I need narrative. I need a reason to continue forward or I lose interest.

Sometimes I can continue forward in spite of a horribly designed system because of the promise of a good storyline. Other times, it's not as easy. I've tried to play the more recent Final Fantasy games (FFVII on) and I've gotten to a certain point and then stopped and haven't picked it up again. I know the story is going to be good, but I have to spend so much time leveling up or finding equipment or this and that, and so I lose interest. I've tried to get through some of the great PC RPG's like Baldur's Gate I & II, Planescape: Torment, Fallout I & II and Deus Ex. But, for some reason I can't get very far in them. I'm not sure if the graphics or the design are just that old that I can't do it, or what. I love the classic SNES games like Chrono Trigger, FFIII, FFIV, FFV, FFVI, Earthbound, Seiken Densetsu 3 and so on. But anything more advanced I seem to have an issue with, up until things like Knights of the Old Republic I & II, Jade Empire, Fable and Mass Effect (three of those are Bioware, sense a trend anyone? :D).

It's strange. I know that the stories of titles like FFVII and FFX in particular are very compelling, but I can't do it. The story is compelling but having to actually do all the quests in a 40+ hour game, because I can't just ignore them and plow through, tires me out. But then you have some of the recent games like I mentioned. They have some pretty involved stories and are decently long games, but not as epic as those in the Final Fantasy series. I notice that I didn't mention a single J-RPG (as in RPG from Japan, or one in that style) in the list of my recent favorites. Perhaps my tastes have changed, maybe it is something else. Who knows.

To be fair, there are some games that I enjoy even if they don't have a story. I got Burnout: Revenge with my 360 and I've enjoyed playing that. Besides RPG's I've always been a fan of the Civilization series, and games similar to that (such as Rome: Total War, Caesar 3 and Lords of the Realm II). There is usually some basic plot or motivation, but after that it's pretty open ended. I enjoy that sort of open-ended game, but I can't do it in a game that is an RPG. Odd.

I apologize to any of you who aren't gamers and really have no idea about most of what I've blathered on about. But then again, if you read this far being completely confused you must either be a) a good friend, b) really bored, c) crazy, or d) all of the above.

Anyway, maybe I will actually blog more often now. We shall see.

So much on my mind, so little time...

Well, I haven't vented here in awhile and I'm feeling in the mood tonight so I'm going to go for it. The slight problem is that I have to be up by 6:30 because of the pancake breakfast my house is doing tomorrow... aaaannnddd it's already 11:05 as I begin writing, and knowing me I could manage to type for a good long while, especially given all that has been going on and all that is currently on my mind.

I guess the first thing it might be worth writing about is what has gone on with my house since my last post. Obviously there is a lot going into it so I'm probably going to only do a nutshell, partly because I'm honestly a little tired of talking about it right now.

Things are a little bit calmer. I think some of my housemates are still frustrated with our directors and all that happened, but I think the majority of us are through the mourning stage. I can't really speak for all of them but only for myself so that's what I shall do.

I feel pretty good about things, at least as much as can be expected. I'm starting to miss Nick more, and fortunately I'm finding some time to talk to him and continue to get to know him as time goes on. I really wish that things could have turned out differently, but looking at it now, I believe our directors did what they had to given the situation, in order to best protect him, my housemates and I and the program. It was hard, but I think in some ways we needed that, and so did Nick, even though it was extremely difficult to go through that.

So that's what's been going on lately with that.

A week ago today my friend Christina became a Postulant (aka the first stage of becoming a Nun) and started her journey down the path she feels God is leading her. We had a really good talk the Thursday before she entered, and I'm feeling more confident about her decision, even if there are some areas that I'm not so sure about or can't completely agree with.

As you may or may not know, Christina and I actually did date for a little while. It was a very short relationship and Christina quickly discerned that this wasn't a direction she wanted to go.

This leads to an interesting discovery that I made tonight. To preface this, part of why this even could happen is that I'm currently surrounded by more Catholic friends than those of my own stripe, because if this wasn't the case it probably wouldn't be happening. But anyway, the discovery... it seems that all of the girls in Colorado that I've either been interested in (I.E. Christina) or that have qualities that I am attracted to but I have no real interest in pursuing (I.E. one of my current housemates along with a former volunteer from two years ago) have all at least considered becoming nuns, and the two that aren't yet taking that step seem like that is something they are going to more seriously explore in the near future.

Now, on the one hand this seems odd to me, partly because of the overall decrease in the number of people who are actually pursuing this kind of vocation overall. On the other hand, it isn't that odd given that the kind of people who would be drawn to that kind of vocation, especially in today's world, would have to be someone of pretty deep faith and calling, which is exactly the kind of person I would want to spend my life with, if getting married is really what I end up being called too (although, I don't feel much of a draw against that).

I'm also acutely aware in this exact moment in time how many Catholics I'm surrounded by compared to the more Protestant side (although, I'm the weird one who ends up somewhere in the middle...). This isn't an entirely bad thing, as the people I am around are nonetheless very awesome people who challenge me and with whom I'm really growing.

But, there are some things which I really do value from the tradition I grew up in and still choose to remain part of. I guess the main thing is that I really wish I could be part of a small group. In some ways, I know I could make the time, but my worry is that it will take away from me spending time investing myself in my community. It's hard enough for me to do that anyway, and if I'm trying to do it in two different places at once... errr... I don't know about that.

Some of it's kinda small things, like the style of music which I enjoy. I still get to experience it once in awhile, but not to the degree that I had before my volunteer year. A lot of it really is Theological, because as much as I love my Catholic brothers and sisters, there are obviously things that I disagree with to enough of an extent that I'm not inclined to become Catholic myself. So as much as I can share and discuss and live with my Catholic buddies, some things can only go so far.

I think what angers me most right now is that it has to be that way. I hate that there are such different views on the same Jesus that we are divided, as much as we might love each other.

So I guess right now I feel a bit of a gap, which I'm not sure how to fill. Seems a fitting time though, with Lent right around the corner.

Honestly, in some ways I can't complain. Although it isn't the most pleasant feeling to have this sort of ache, it's also refreshing because at least I have a direction, a clear goal to set my eyes on. Growing pangs, or so I hope.

Part of this seems to be my continued need to become comfortable in my singleness, because until I become comfortable here, I don't think being in a relationship would actually be helpful to me. I'm too much of an idealist and too much of a romantic sometimes. Can't always face the reality infront of me.

Well, that is my life in a nutshell, or at least as much that I can cram into 30 minutes worth of writing.

Until next time, Peace be With You.

So, I lied...

So, you know how I said that everything with my community was great?

Well as of last night that's a complete lie and I don't expect it to change any time soon.

Yesterday was supposed to be our house party with our Program Coordinators, Bill and Mary Frances and Ryan, the other staff member who works with our community. We were going to go ice skating and then have a nice dinner at their house. Instead, at about 12:15 we all got this email:

Dear Friends,

We are writing to tell you about a change in our plan for tonight. Unfortunately, we need to meet and talk about some things with community. We will still have something here at the house for dinner, but we feel like it’s too important to talk and so we won’t be going ice-skating, etc. Just wanted to give you the heads-up.

We can still plan on gathering at 6:00pm.

Thank you!

Mary Frances and Bill

All I knew at this point is that somebody broke our kitchen window Monday night so I expected us to be having another discussion, and probably having us reconsider (again) how much drinking our community is doing, and about how thing have gotten broken and we really need to work on that, etc. etc.

Instead, what we come home to find out is that one of our roommates has been kicked out of the program, and was currently on his flight home at the time that we were meeting.

~sigh...~

What proceeded to happen was a rather long period of awkward silence, followed by a number of questions posed by my housemates, few of which I feel were adequately answered by our coordinators.

Not too much was really said until our Coordinators left and we were able to talk as a group on our own.

What our frustration comes down to is mainly that we were not at all involved in the decision, that it was completely taken out of our control... that we feel he was unfairly judged based on some of the stupid things he did (which were not small things by any means and do need to be addressed) and not on how much growth he was going through because of us.

Even if at the end of the day, it was the best thing for Nick to leave the community, for this to be decided for us is so frustrating.

It also doesn't help that we all know there were personality clashes between Nick and one of our coordinators. So it is difficult for me to see this as a completely objective decision made for the safety of the program and for us and for Nick.

This is obviously a very complex issue that isn't going to be resolved any time soon. But, the decision has been made, we can't change that. All we can do is talk about whether or not it was the right thing to do, and hopefully help our coordinators to handle this kind of issue better if it should happen again. Other than that, our community is completely different. One person has even threatened to leave if this happened. So maybe I will be down to 9 housemates sooner or later.

I worry for some of my housemates, if they will ever be able to look our coordinators in the eyes for the rest of our stay here. As for myself, I hope that they really were acting out of the best knowledge that they had, and that through our discussions that will happen over the next few weeks they are open and try to understand our position and admit that they were wrong on some things if it comes to that. If they don't end up being open in that way, I have to say I would struggle with how I viewed them.

The next few weeks... months... the rest of the program really... is going to be really rough. If you pray, please pray for us, for Nick for our coordinators... for the situation.

This also really saddens me, because up to this point, I was recommending this program to some of my friends. I still think it's an amazing program, and I hope I can confidently recommend it, but it all depends on how this is handled from now on.

I'm sure I will post more as time goes on.

Peace everyone.

Ugh...

Well, it's been awhile, and I'm not tired enough quite yet to go to sleep and I have a lot on my mind, therefore, everyone who reads this gets something to read! YAY!

Anyway. I'm continuing my trademark procrastination by still having papers from my final semester of college that if I don't get in I might not be actually getting my degree, which would be very very depressing. I really don't know why I can't just buckle down and finish the damn things, especially because of how long it has been and how close my final final deadline is.

I blame my computer, however that is more out my chosen outlet of procrastination, there is something deeper to blame and I really don't know what it is. Sure, I've had something along the lines of 20 years of school behind me, so I have some burnout, but still, come on, when my diploma is at stake what is wrong with me?

Anyway, back to the computer. I'm looking forward to my program starting on August 4th, because I'm pretty much going to be computer-less for an entire year. I say I'm looking forward to it because I know it sucks away my life, and there is going to be something freeing about only checking email once every few days at the library, or something like that. I think they might have a house computer, but you get the point.

On the other hand, it terrifies me because so much of my life is tied into that. It's how I communicate with people and how they communicate with me, it's how I spend my free time, it's how I listen to music, check bus routes, look up information, blog... And I have to snip it away. To make things worse, I seem to be getting myself deeper into the computer world this summer. Now that I have more time, I've been getting involved in some of the things I used to do more, like IMing and such, and once the time comes I won't be able to do that much any more. So why exactly am I digging myself into a hole?

Part of me just wants to be able to cut it off now, spend more time reading that stack of books that has been building up over the last 4+ years and is conveniently getting bigger, not to mention riding my bike for fun instead of just to get from point a to point b, perhaps I might even figure out how to spend more time with my friends that are, yah know, flesh and blood?

Oh yeah, not to mention God. I do fine with the going to church part, am decent on the small groups part, but the me and God on a daily basis is more or less non-existent. Now, I don't expect my life to be any easier sans computer, however, it is much easier to lose most of the day staring at the computer screen and not have time for anything else, and to look back and realize you didn't really do anything productive.

I mean, I think there is nothing wrong with computer games, and Dungeons and Dragons, and reading webcomics or whatever else I could think of, however the idea is moderation, not filling my entire life up with them.

It doesn't help that I've realized that the last few weeks at Church seem to be rough, like I can't get into it as much. Not quite apathy, not quite tiredness or the heat that is growing here in Colorado, but whatever the case I'm left feeling drained, not encouraged, not willing to open myself up to God... If I can't even manage it for a few hours on Sunday, what exactly do I expect from the entire week.

Fortunately one of my friends was perceptive enough to notice me brooding and (literally) nudged me into getting prayer about filling your life with things other than God. Normally, I would jump right up there and acknowledge that something is screwed up and I need to fix it. But instead, I hung back and almost succeeded in ignoring it completely.

And this isn't to even mention all the other things going on which I would love to rant about. I'm sure if I could get my head on a little straighter and could spend some more time praying more of those things would become clearer. But how do I even get that far?

I mean, heck, the last few weeks I've mostly been at my parents, and even then I can waste most of the day on the computer, even though it's missing almost everything I have on my computer at home. Even the library isn't safe, because I know enough ways to pass the time without being productive. This is definitely an issue of my heart.

Sure, knowing is half the battle, but I've known this since probably a year after I started learning about computers, if not earlier. So, what now?

And even after this year of voluntary poverty, will that be enough or will I just slip back into all of this once my 'freedom' is regained?

Sigh...

"We are prophets of a future not our own"

This is a prayer often called the Oscar Romero Prayer, although it was written by Bishop Ken Untener. Anyway, read it then read my rambling to follow :)

It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is even beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work. Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying that the Kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the Church’s mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.
This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest.
We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I find myself at a crossroads. I will be graduating in less than five days, and my time at Regis draws to a close (at least for now, who knows what the future may bring). It is very bittersweet. I'm glad to leave, yet this has been a beautiful life-forming place over the last four years, and I feel like there is so much more I could learn by remaining hear... yet I know the opportunites to grow continue on.

For those of you who don't know I am going to be moving on into the Colorado Vincentian Volunteers starting in August 4th, where I will be working at the Metro Care Ring for the next year. I will be living with about 12 other people in an intentional community, who will all be working at other sites around the city. I know this experience is going to grow me as much as my four years at Regis.

I just came out of the final reflections for the current Romero House students as they wrap up their year along with me. It moved me deeply, partly because of my own connection to that house, and to some of the non-profits they worked at, along with our shared trip to El Salvador. But not only that, it reminded me of what exactly I'm aiming for in my life. One of my friends just recently told me how she is inspired by how I want to change the world.

That's what it's really about. This is why I know I want to work with college-age people. I've grown so much, challenged so much of what I grew up knowing, and continue to meet God in whole new ways. I haven't found many answers, but I am learning to ask better questions.

I've never really liked "Imagine" by John Lennon, I just couldn't get past the "Imagine there's no Heaven / It's easy if you try" part because that is so integral to who I am, the future fullness of the Kingdom of God. But maybe it really isn't how we expect it will be anyway. I still believe that Hell exists too, but I really hope nobody is there. I'm still by no means a fan of the song, but perhaps I should give it another chance or two.

I'm just little old me, screwed up and broken as I am, but that doesn't mean God doesn't use me. That doesn't mean change will not come through me. Even if that means my end, there is something greater. I'm not stupid enough to call suffering upon myself, but if it comes because of my faith and because of my ideals, so be it. I know I'm not alone so this is where I need to step out. I need to be a prophet of that future that is not my own.

*Shhhh* I'm going to talk about homosexuality...

So I've been thinking about homosexuality for awhile, especially since it's come up a lot recently at Regis in not so pleasant a light.

First off, before I get into any of my philosophical babbling, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR DISCRIMINATION, HATE, OR EXCLUSION FOR ANYONE WHO IS HOMOSEXUAL.

That being said, here are my thoughts.

I'm going to start with laying out my understanding, and going on with the explanation from there. I believe that Homosexuality is not natural, I don't believe it is how God intended anyone to believe. However, our world having fallen from the Ideal that God created us to be, it's a reality.

Many people argue for the biological reasons that are coming up, etc., etc. My response to that is that there are many biological leanings that humans have towards things that are wrong. Take somebody who has a biological tendency to become addicted to alcohol. If they do not ever touch alcohol it isn't a problem, but as soon as they do, it starts affecting them.

Now, in saying this I don't believe that all people who are homosexual 'chose' to become homosexual, instead I feel it is a complex process having to do with biological makeup and psychological effects from childhood. I don't accept that people are simply born homosexual. As well, I think that it is possible for someone to ultimately convince their body that they are homosexual, but I don't think that is how it happens for most people. How many people want to consciously enter a lifestyle that is looked down upon by society?

Given that this happens, and that there are plenty of people who are born into situations where they have no control (like the thousands of babies born with HIV, or addicted to crack or alcohol) I don't think it is our place to judge them for being true to what they are. First off, it isn't our place to judge in the first place, and secondly, God loves us just as much knowing how we are screwed up so what can we really say anyway.

Because of this, I'm not opposed to civil marriage between homosexual persons. I can't personally accept a religious acceptance, although there are plenty of Christians who do, but regardless I don't think that homosexuals should be denied the ability to have stable structures and have the same benefits that straight people do, especially since Christians don't really complain about non-Christians that are straight getting married.

As long as we keep up this judgment and condemnation of homosexual people, there is always going to be a break between them and the church. It's funny that scripture talks much more about the poor and the orphans and the widows and about non-violence, yet we focus on homosexuality which only has a few ambiguous verses and logical arguments to back it up. I believe that God can heal people and change their psychological makeup, but I also know that we are not in the full Kingdom of God and because of that not all will be healed and changed, so if somebody enters a church wanting to change, then I think we should pray all we can for that, but if somebody does not want that, yes we should still pray, but at that point it is more between them and God.

Point being, we need to see their dignity as human beings, and as children of God who are screwed up equally as much as us for thousands of different reasons in addition to happening to be homosexual, and are thus on the same playing field as us and needing love just as much. And if all they find is condemnation from us, how are they going to find the love of God.

I'm sure there is more to say but that's all I have for now... Give me your thoughts! I know this gets talked about often enough, but I think it's one that needs to continually be thought of.

Peace

Something I don't get...

Why do some Christians complain so much about how Christmas and Easter were Pagan holidays, not to mention all the other practices and whatnot that Christianity has taken into itself?

Isn't the whole idea of Jesus transformation?

Take my little old self. Screwed up with the fall, just like the rest of the world, and then I recieve God's Grace no quesitons asked and I become a new creation, and I start becoming what God wanted me to be from the start.

So, isn't the world no less in need of transformation? Specific to Christmas and Easter and their relationship to Pagan seasonal holidays and the cycles of nature and all that, what exactly wrong with that? God made the earth, and so is there something wrong about recogizing that?

I think that people, especially Americans are already disconnected to nature enough. It seems to make sense to me that there can be a Christian understanding of nature and celebration of equinoxi and whatnot. I think it's quite sad in fact that many people feel they need to resort to Paganism, Druidism, or 'Native' religions in order to be connected to nature. Can't we have room for God's creation and celebrate it while still recognizing the source?

Which reminds me of another thing. Awhile back I listed damaging nature as a sin, and a few of my friends questioned me on that. After reflecting on that and considering it, I'm still going to argue that it is. I agree it's a broad thing, and it does need qualification.

One of my friends said that if what I'm claiming is true, every time she steps into her car and drives somewhere she is sinning. In a very broad way I believe that yes, it is. Call me a tree hugger or whatever, but I think that while God has given us our intellect and ability to create industry and whatnot, and through that we have done great things. But, despite that I think it's not how things are supposed to be.

Once we experience the fullness of the Kingdom of God I somehow doubt we are all going to be running around in cars and have massive factories and whatnot. There are sins of a personal nature, familiar nature and also socital nature, and I think that everything that goes into the creation of products, transportation and disposal is a great socital sin. Now, I don't believe we should go around beating ourselves up every time we get into a car, but to just dismiss it outright is no different to me than completely ignoring wars that are going on around the world, or the way that the poor are treated in our country, or even turning away when we see something wrong.

Discuss :)

Who's Line is it, anyway? And where is it?

As a follower of Christ, where do I draw the line?

On the on hand, God loves us and accepts us, no matter what. Yet, on the other hand God calls us to seek the ideal that God has for us.

This gets particularly messy when we are dealing with other people, let alone our own lives. God loves us all, no matter if we are homosexual, a drug addict, had an abortion, beat our spouse, killed someone, cheat on our taxes, destroy our environment, watch pornography or whatever else. We have all equally failed in the eyes of God, and are yet loved. So why the hell can't we do that with others?

I still believe everything I listed above is against the ideal that God has for us, but God is the judge of that, not us. If we have good friends that we know are not following the ideal God would have for them, then yeah, it's not a bad idea for us to remind them of that. But, what right do we have to off-hand judge somebody we don't even know.

Take Jesus, he hung out with the prostitutes and tax collectors and the lower class people, and they were attracted to him and what he preached, while those who were the religious people were appalled by him. Shouldn't the criteria be how much we are drawing towards Christ, and not what particular sin we happened to commit today?

Like addictions for example, there is documented scientific proof that our brain chemistry gets altered by the substances we abuse, and I believe the same goes for addictions that are more psychological and less physical (like sex, or codependency, etc.). It's unreasonable for us to assume somebody is suddenly going to change as soon as they realize they are in the wrong.

I fully believe God can radically heal people, and that God can suddenly release someone from the prison of their addiction without any discernable cause. Unfortunately, God doesn't do that in all of us. I still have my addictions that I struggle with. That doesn't mean I am not trying, but it doesn't just go away.

So why do we view others like that, that because of how screwed up they are for whatever reason, that God somehow looks down on them, or they are being punished (although, I do believe our actions do have far reaching affects that we have to deal with, but that is by no means God specifically punishing someone). Shouldn't we be accepting them with open arms, crying "come, drink from the water that will quench all your thirst"?

I fully believe God wants us to strive to better ourselves, that we need to grow in our knowledge of God by studying scriptures, and participating in the rich rituals that Christianity has established over the centuries, but that isn't the main point. Yes, we ought to strive for God's ideal, but we are not going to be made perfect until God's kingdom comes in its entirety. In fact, God seems to like to work through us when we realize we aren’t there yet.

Oh yeah. It isn’t about us.

There are bigger things than figuring out that specific theological mystery or finding the best way to run a church service.

But practically, how do we do that? We can’t just stay stagnant as followers of Christ. Part of the deal is that we do need to strive, like I mentioned, and we need the support of our community to do that, because I know I fail on my own. But at what point are we focusing too much on our own little group of people that are already trying to follow Christ, and forgetting about those who aren’t there yet.

I know that I do that plenty myself.

I mean, even with my church, that is pretty laid back and welcoming to visitors, at what point are things becoming too “churchy”?

I believe there is a lot of power and strength that can be gained by the rituals of the church, but until you get to the point where I am, that I understand the significance, and why they are important, they are meaningless and can get in the way of finding God more than leading to God.

So what then do you in a sense save for those that choose to follow God, and what do you open up to everyone else?

If you don’t provide any depth, it’s shallow, and those who are seeking won’t see any value because everyone is trying to dumb things down and appear as un-church as possible. If it’s too lofty, people can’t connect at all, and can miss how God whispers through what they are witnessing because it is too confusing.

How about Jesus? He went around telling stories and preaching good news to the poor, binding up the brokenhearted, proclaiming freedom for the captives, releasing prisoners from darkness, proclaiming the year of the Lord's favor, the day of vengeance of our God, and comforting all who mourn (see Isaiah 61). Is it really more complex than that?

I tell you what, if my church service was even more like that I would for sure be inviting more people. Who would want to miss that?

Ponderings on Environmentalism and Women in the Church

I continue to be confused by why people (particularly of the environmentalist persuasion) always get so angry with the Christian worldview. I would say I have a very environmental outlook on life, but I still hold onto an anthropocentric view, because I see it as the only way we can live.

No matter how you cut it, humanity is different from the rest of the Universe, we have language, rationality, compassion and oodles of other things that say my house cat doesn't have, let alone the trees.

Given that position, I think it's completely asinine to expect us to be equal with nature.

Scripture says that we are to have dominion over the earth. I don't see this as a negative thing, in fact I see it as quite a demand that is completely against those who argue that since we have this dominion and control over nature we can do whatever we want.

That is completely not the point! God is the creater and ruler of the universe, and we have been given authority to rule over the earth... That means we should be taking pretty darn good care of it. Think of the parable of the talents, where two of the servants used their money and multiplied it, while another hid it because he was afraid, and got reprimanded. We didn't have a servant that was given money and screwed up with it, but I'm quite sure he would have been punished quite severely.

As much as I can admire the call to greater union with nature, to be holistic, I can't see our lives working like that. I completely believe we need to work towards greater sustainable industry and not the distructive profit focused industry we currently have, but I reject the idea that advancement is totally evil, yes some horrible things have come out of it, and some things should never have been discovered (like, oh the atomic bomb) but other advancements have been more than beneficial to live as a whole.

I think our main problem is that we have such bad examples of rulers who completely abuse their subjects that we cannot see God as being a good ruler, and because so many humans cannot deal with the earth in a beneficial way that we cannot see ourselves as being "good stewards" even though I believe it is entirely possible.

On another note, I'm reading an article on the role of women in the church... check it out if you have time: http://www.kingdomrain.net/content/view/64/33/1/0/

One quote that struck me as quite thought provoking is this: Man is created first, not for governance or priority in function, but to establish his loneliness.

That certainly flips some ideas doesn't it? Reconciling the creation of man first (whether you take it as symbolic or literal) with the equality of men and women has been one that I have struggled through before and I think that statement was exactly what I needed.

The idea of man coming first has nothing to do with the authoritarian patriarchical ideas that we've held onto for the last few millenia but instead it has to do with our dependance, first to God and secondly to each other.

On that same note, the article did mention something else which I'm going to think about for awhile, that being the necessity of men and women being together. Often we focus on that meaning in a marriage sense, but I think it goes beyond that. I think to function well a community needs both men and women, because we are different in many ways and men accell in some areas, whereas women accell in others (not that there aren't exceptions, don't read too much into what I'm saying).

This does however bring up an interesting question that is more aplicable to the more liturgical churches... that being the idea of monastic orders, either men or women. There are many things that I see beneficial and many things that I see troubling about monastic life, so by no means is this a complete condemnation. I can understand how our sexuality can get in the way sometimes, and it can be difficult to focus completely on God, but I've never been quite comfortable with the idea of completely "marrying God" and cutting out other relationships.

That is a discussion for another time though, I will need more time to work through that idea so I'm just going to stop there. The idea is incomplete so don't see what I wrote above as my final opinion on the matter.

The issue of sexuality and human relationships (romantic and non) is another big issue... perhaps next time I feel like putting my fingers down on the keyboard I can go more into my opinions on that.

For now, throw any thoughts or comments at me. My views are always growing and changing, so I welcome any criticism. Just don't yell at me :) That's not very nice and it isn't really productive either!

-Daniel

Why...

Why is it that as Christians we are willing to send missionaries overseas and celebrate when they are martyred or imprisoned or what-have-you for carrying their cross to the completion, yet we are unwilling to face the injustice here?

Furthermore, why am I so unwilling most of the time?

Why do we continue to focus on wealth at the expense of the poor when holy wise men and women have been speaking out against it for thousands of years?

Why is reality tv so popular? Whose reality is it anyway...

Why do we take the short term solutions that end up [explicative]ing us in the end?

Why do we accept the lies the media and our government tell us?

Why does everyone seem to find peace so impractical?

Why does my university claim to live out the ideals of the Jesuits and social justice act so much like a business?

Why do we have to fight so hard for the right thing?

Why do I have to have so many questions?

Why do we care more about celebrities dying and acting out above the thousands who have died in Darfur and Iraq and everywhere else that we don't hear about?

Why do corporations see "labor" as another cost of production, not the lives of people.

Why do so many people complain about the government or about the USA or anything else yet refuse to do anything about it.

Why the [explicative] don't people vote, unless it's for american idol?

Why is the Kingdom of God so hard to see?

How do I express these things in my heart that I have words for?

I have my voice, but not the will to make my own song, I can write, but I don't have the passion to keep me burning, I can speak, but it always seems like a whisper, I can act, but it all seems so small, I can see the pain in other's eyes, but what then can I do?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Come, Lord Jesus Come

Our Responsibility...

This began as a reply to a friend's post, but I decided I was going to make my own statement about it, so here you go:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The frustrating thing is that, at least in America, if we choose to live an "alternative" lifestyle than the consumerism we live in, it's hard to survive. Even if we go off and start a cooperative, grow our own food etc, we would still probably have property taxes, utilities (unless you use solar power or something, but that would be expensive to start with). And so on and so forth. Even then, not everything could be produced on our own.

To actually go against the culture takes a lot of effort, and probably need to be around other people who share the same values. Sure, it's possible, but how many people are actually going to do it, since its so much easier to stay where we are. Not to mention, to be realistic it would take a certain level of money to start out on your own.

And even when you make that decision, thousands of others don't care or don't want to put in that effort, and thus those who are in power and have money continue to abuse the environment and people and whatever else. It seems like little else but an all out revolution will change anything, but then new people get power and they can become just as bad.

Some of us might be called to educate (whether its college or in a community or church), some to go into politics to try and change things, others can work at organizations. But it is an uphill battle, and it's easy to get discouraged.

What I've realized that at least for those of us who call ourselves Christian, we can look forward to the Kingdom of God returning. I don't mean this in the sense that we have an excuse to give up since God is going to eventually come and restore things anyway. Instead, even though we may not see progress, we can be confident that God is working all things for good.

I think the best thing we can do is to keep ourselves aware of these things in our society that are wrong. Go outside more, actually feel the ground under your feet (and if it isn't snowing, perhaps even take off those shoes!), feel the wind, the sunshine. Talk to people around us, and most definetly pray.

Even if the things we can do are small, like use the car less, buy more local products, go to a farmers market, start a small garden, use less electricity, don't support companies that are unethical, recycle, bring your own bags to the grocery store, buy fair trade and sweatshop-free products, or anything else you can think of. They are small things, but they are important.

For us Christians, its easy to get focued on the making disciples part of bringing the Kingdom of God to earth, but I think protecting our environment and fighting against all sorts of injustice are just as important (Try reading Amos). Just as sharing God with people is a frustrating process, with small steps, so is changing the larger things in our world. None of it is easy but we are still called to do it, and God is going to be with us.