I don't like how my mind works sometimes...

Seriously...

Most of the time I really like my Mind, it can be really awesome sometimes. However, at the moment I would have to say that I'm a bit frustrated with it...

I guess partly why it is annoying to me right now is because I don't seem to have much control over it.

I mean, why is it that I can meet a girl and not even know her for a week... not to mention haven't met in person, yet I get all in a flutter and end up having her somewhere in the back of my mind (if not the front at some points) for most of the day, and feel somewhat sad because I haven't talked to her today.

I think that the logical side of me, that likes to think things through and analyze and all that is feeling lost and left behind. I mean, like I said, I don't know her very well... There are things that I hold as being vital in anyone that I would want to date (Faith being the top one, but there are others also) and I don't feel like I have had the chance to really find out about those things, but my heart is sitting there screaming at me "go for it!!!"

Don't get me wrong, I know that there is something about her otherwise I wouldn't be interested in her, because I have enough friends who are girls to know that I'm not just excited because its a girl.

I guess I am also cautious because there were two girls who I became interested in last year, and my feelings at first were fairly similar to what I'm feeling now. Long story short... after getting to know one of them better, I determined that she isn't someone who I would want to date, even though she has some really awesome qualities... and the second girl is considering becoming a nun, so that kinda killed that idea.

I feel like I'm being torn in two in some ways... On the one hand, there are these experiences that have shown me what happens if I jump in to quickly, along with my general nature that would honestly just like to get to know someone before I would consider dating them.

On the other hand, I fully admit that there is a part of me that doesn't want to be alone anymore... that really misses the good parts of being in relationships, even though some of the bad parts have been really hard. And there also is some kind of connection that has formed pretty quickly between me and this girl.

I guess I just don't know what to do. There is part of me that is so afraid to get into another relationship... because I don't want to see myself hurt again, let alone another person. I'm afraid that I don't trust myself in a physical sense, and being able to establish boundaries and actually follow through on them. In some ways I just want to stay where I am, not take any risk because I'm afraid that it wouldn't work out and I will end up like I was last semester.

I know that that is no way to live... that if I don't take the risks, even if it could mean getting hurt, that I won't get anywhere. That is the other part of it that is hard for me, because this is just a small part of what I know is God calling me to step out of what I am comfortable with, and to have the assurance that he is with me no matter what, and that I have no reason to fear the unknown... but how can I get that into my heart from my head? I know that it will only be through actually stepping out in some way or another, and seeing God in it, that I can begin to trust it. I don't have enough faith right now to do it otherwise. I just don't know if I can bring myself to go over that hump, and I'm equally afraid of being pushed over it by something or someone... even if it will help me to grow in the ways that I desire, despite my fear.

The developing relationship with this girl is difficult enough as it is, without all the deeper connections it has with the insecurities inside of me that are coming to my attention.

I seriously feel like crawling into my bed and curling up into a little ball and trying to hide and ignore it and pretend like it will go way, despite how stupid that I know it is...

I don't know where to go here... and I feel as if God is leaving it up to me... that he has brought me to this place, and shown me some painful parts of myself, and left me with the question "how are you going to respond to this?" Do I turn my eyes to Jesus like I know I should, run into his arms, give up all my fear and insecurity to his healing grace... do I allow him to work deep inside of me, become more of who he created me to be..... or do I shove it all down and lock it back up in the depths of my being, and try to find a place in my life where I can ignore that it is there, even though the God's loving eyes pierce right through me.

The answer seems painfully obvious... so why is it so hard for me to take that step?