Satans greatest lie to me...

Is making me believe that I am still under his power, when by Jesus's sacrifice he has no power over me and there is nothing I can do to keep myself from God's love.

Therein lies the greatest freedom. If only I could fully grasp that.

Things I learned today

1) My relationship with my parents, along with my parents relationship have a much larger impact on me than I thought it did.

2) On one level I deeply desire to have intimate relationships (both romantically, with God, and to an extent friendships with other guys) but there is something about it that scares me from amidst the depth of my heart.

3) I need to forgive my father.

4) I really do need a lot of encouragement, and I really do get a lot out of people encouraging me.

5) I got reminded that Satan really isn't that creative, and that most of his attacks on people are fairly generic. Not only that, but because he cannot create anything, all he does is pervert and twist something God created to be good in order to trip us up.

6) I need to take hold of the promise that everything is completed in God's eyes. He is outside of time thus he sees me as perfect, how he intends me to be. Therefore, there is a level where I need to accept that nothing I do here on Earth matters in that equation. That doesn't mean I shouldn't continue to serve God with my all, mainly that no matter how badly I sin, God still accepts and loves me, and there is no reason to get caught up in things. Instead, I need to repent (turn around) and actually forgive myself.

7) With all these things in mind... I'm still lonely, but there's the rub, a relationship with a girl or some deep friendships with men isn't going to change that. I need God.

8) I really need sleep, it is way past my current bed time.

I'm just going to be honest, I'm fishing for advice...

So. Here is the deal. I've been thinking about the whole romantic side of life lately and I realize that I know plenty about what makes relationships run, and I have given many of my friends advice about their relationships so I feel pretty confident about that part of my experience and knowledge (that is, learning many things not to do from my own relationships and my friends, along with seeing and reading about many of the things that should happen...).

The thing is, I feel pretty clueless about actually starting a relationship.

My two past relationships (okay, so I've had a few times that relationships almost developed and one weird situation since, but I have only dated two people) were transformed friendships. Since then, that has always been my ideal, that I would have this friendship with a girl, and somewhere along the lines things might click and we would start dating. However, recently my best friend made a good point: If I had a friendship first with someone that I'm possibly interested in dating, or if it developed out a friendship where there wasn't as much interest at first, then I'm going to be horribly concerned about not losing the friendship.

As I have though about what he has said over the past few days, I realize he has a good point. The friend that I was interested in awhile back (if you have been following my life for long, the one who wants to become a nun)... I was interested in her despite all the things that might make it difficult, but I was so afraid of hurting the friendship that I didn't say anything for a long time, despite that it was completely obvious (according to my other friend... the three of us always hung out).

Out of that circumstance, I ended up needing to distance myself from her for awhile because of my feelings for her. It has been only the last month or two that I feel like I could begin to rebuild a friendship with her. I haven't really taken the steps necessary for that, but I know I could do it.

So we come to me in the present. I know in many ways I need to figure this out for myself, and that is going to mean tring and possibly failing, however, I would covet any advice that anyone would like to impart on me.

For guys, whatever success you have please share. I am particularly interested in stories from married people about how their relationship started. I like my ideal of a relationship developing out of a friendship, but I wonder how realistic and probable that actually is.

For girls, I'm curious to how you would want to be approached if someone was interested in you. Stories are always helpful. I also admit that I'm very much a chicken at heart and that it would take some time on my part to actually approach someone that I was interested in, but that is another issue entirely.

I know that relationships aren't easy. And I am sure that I need to break myself of my idealistic picture that exists in my mind (which is very ironic considering how many people I know that have had relationship struggles in the past, and that I have given advice to a good chunk of them in the midst of them... I'm not that much different than them!!).

I guess what is also hard for me, is although I conceptually know how a good relationship would be, I haven't really experienced personally a healthy relationship. I have my parents marriage as an example of working through the hard stuff that comes up, along with my best friend's marriage as the same, but both of them have their share of issues. I wouldn't necessarily call my parents relationship unhealthy, but it could be better. So in a lot of ways I'm without practical examples, and it is my hearts desire to know what it would be to have a healthy, God-fearing relationship, conflict and all.

This is also when I have to submit to God's timetable. However, I don't believe that God simply has a little track for me to follow, but that the decisions I make have an impact, and I'm not supposed to sit on my butt and wait for a girl to drop into my lap without having to do any work. But, that's when discernment is important in figuring out when to go forward, which of course brings me back to my original question of "how."

I guess that is all I have to say for tonight. Probably more fluff than needed. Yet, concise has never been my word.

Thanks in advance to anyone willing enough to impart some wisdom on me.

An attempt at a fair and balanced defense

So here is the story. Recently my ex-gf got in contact with me and complained about me mentioning her in my blog, and that I make it seem like I place all the blame on her for whatever context I bring her up.

First, I understand that she doesn't choose to bring me up when she blogs. That however is her choice. I have not named her, and those who do know who she is already know more than I write here. It is not my intention to slander or otherwise defame her through what I post. If anybody feels this is not the case I'm always open to constructive criticism.

So with this in mind, I'm going to try to set the record straight as it were. Do realize that this is my biased perspective and nothing is going to change that, I am however going to be as objective and self critical as possible.

Since this all mainly concerned with what happened after we broke up, I'm going to try to summarize what has gone on since then.

Because my ex and I were in different places in our lives and had different expectations about the relationship, she broke up with me. This was an odd circumstance as that didn't keep us from talking for the next 6 months, we simply didn't make any serious attempts to see each other in person. This was partly due to the fact that I didn't have a car, and I decided (and still am at that place) that I didn't want a car, and didn't want to make the steps that would be necessary to make me owning a car possible. There were of course other things we didn't agree on however going into those are not needed.

We continued to talk and tried to recreate some sort of more normal friendship. My ex was not entirely disinterested in a relationship, however she insisted that things such as me not having a car changed, and I was not willing to make those changes.

From my perspective, our friendship continued to be strained over those months that we continued talking. I got tired with how things were going, and I felt like I was continually attacked about my decisions to not get what she considered a "real job" or a car, along with any possible romantic interestests that I had.

On that note, I am completely aware that I probably didn't handle it well. First, it was probably a mistake to try and look into getting into another relationship so soon. I also could have better respected my ex, however, from my perspective our relationship was over, and she was in no position to keep me from dating someone else. Much of her concern was over the person being good enough for me, which I can understand, and I think she was right in many cases, however, I know there was more which I felt was straining our relationship.

So, I decided that I needed space from her, so I cut off all contact with her. I realize this might not have been the best way to handle it. I felt that I had tried to make steps to cut down out contact to a level that I could handle, and to express the boundaries that I felt were necessary. I appologize if she feels this is slandarous but I do not feel that she respected me. I don't think it is necessary to state exactly why I felt this way, but I did, so I felt it would be best for my emotional health to not speak with her for awhile.

After awhile, we started speaking some, and I felt like it went fairly well. It was nice to see how she was going, and to know that she was in a good relationship that she felt was what she needed, along with watch her progress in school and help her out with papers and whatnot when I could. However, some of the same issues came up that made me feel she didn't respect me. Maybe I didn't do a good enough job expressing those things. I acknowledge that I am passive by nature as far as conflicts go and I'm slowly attempting to develop healthy ways to handle conflict. Whatever the case, I stopped talking to her again for awhile.

Recently, we started speaking once again, and things went fairly well for awhile like before. There was an unfortunate incident where one of my friends had my phone when she called, and the two of them, along with some of my friends friend's who came over with her, proceeded to have a very vicious verbal fight until my housemate saved the situation.

I fully admit that I didn't handle things well. I should have gotten my phone back instead of sitting back and watching it unfold. In some ways I'm greatful for what happened because it allowed me to see another side of my friend (who I was considering dating) and see that it would perhaps not be such a good idea for us to date. Nevertheless, that cause great strain on my relationship with my ex. I know what I did was disrespectful, and I am sorry for it, and I know now not to let that happen again, but it did happen and I cannot see why it needed to be brought up many times after the fact by my ex, despite my feble attempts to make some reconciliation of the situation.

So out of that, I once again decided to stop speaking to my ex. I know that this is a defense mechanism that will only last me so long. I admit that I'm at a quandry at this point. There has been so much strain and miscommunication and hurt on both of our sides that trying to resolve all our conflicts could take a long time. I would like to resolve things and know that she doesn't hold bad feelings towards me, but I'm not sure I want to continue a friendship at this point. I know that some friendships are for a season, and most people don't work out their issues and part kindly so I'm not sure where to go from here.

I know that simply cutting myself off from her for the rest of my life is in some ways an unhealthy thing. However, I know it is also the case that sometimes it is necessary to completely end a relationship because there is no progress.

This blog is partly inspired by my ex's comments a few nights ago, however, ironically enough I just went to a place called "The Conflict Center" with my summer program and had a seminar about conflict management. Some of it was stuff I knew but there were also some new things that I learned. One of the big ones is that I'm much more passive than I gave myself credit for. At least I know some specific things to work on now.

But, in this particular situation, one of the most important things that is imperative if any kind of relationship is going to come out of our torrid past is that both of us MUST be willing to change. That means sacrifices. In some ways I don't like that, because obviously I feel I'm right, and I know for sure that she feels the same way. It also is imperative that we need to respect each other better, and actually care about each other. Maybe we don't have to like each other, but there does have to be a mutual respect that neither of us have done a good job fostering.

So there we go. I feel comfortable with where I am at with what I have said. I don't think I have lied about anything, or blamed her completely, or not taken responsibility when it is needed. Feel free to call me on that, which I know might be hard because I haven't given many details or circumstances that are necessary in determining if I was in the wrong in a situation, but if you feel the need go ahead.

Anyway, I don't have anything more to say. For now, I'm going to go hang out with my housemates. More blogs will be forthcoming. Until next time oh faithful audience of my life.

Meditations on Homelessness, part uno

Welcome to my first installment. I'm going to attempt to keep up with posting blogs of this nature based on the experiences I have over the summer. For sure I'm going to also keep up with my normal life, but I want to keep a special place for this.

Without further disclaimers, lets see where I go with this.

I've been at the St. Francis Center for about three weeks now. It was most definetly not what I would have expected. There are always you're stereotypical boozer/druggie homeless folk who have no hope left, but those aren't the kind I people I get to see. Sure, some of them are druggies or whatever but you have to be clean for the day to get in.

Many of the people I interact with are the ones who are trying to get out. That's one of the things St. Francis does to the best of their ability... get people who want to get out, out. That's why they offer so many services beyond the day to day stuff. Many of these folks, if you didn't know any better and saw them on the street wouldn't believe that they are homeless. Many of them got caught in the unfortuate circumstances of health issues, money issues, job loss, what have you. There are also many with mental disabilities that end up out on the street.

Last thursday I got the opportunity to go around Downtown Denver with a homeless guy named Jersey Mike. Through him and some other people (like the Colorado Coalition for the Homeless) I learned more of the ins and outs of homelessness than I get from serving people at St. Francis.

For example, this is a big one, were you aware that Colorado is one of the hardest states to get an ID in, in fact, we might be the hardest period. There is a very very small list of valid forms of identification in order to get an ID. Ironically, one of them is a birth certificate is one, but you typically need an ID to get your birth certificate, thus creating a nice vicious cycle. For those who were born out of state, it is so bad that often it would be easier to go back to their home state, get an ID, and come back using that one to get a CO ID. Isn't that sad?

The rational behind such stringent laws are to keep illegal immegrants from obtaining an ID, but it seems to me that it is causing more problems. There are some people who are simply unable to get an ID, and if you don't have an ID, you can't do anything. Many shelters won't let you in. No chance for a job, or housing, or whathave you. If you lose your ID t could take at least 2 months to get a new one.

Moral of this part of the story, anyone who comes by and says to a homeless person "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get a job, etc" has no idea what they are talking about. Sure, there are those who are unmotivated, but there are enough who are and who are being screwed by the systems we have. It would help if all those self righteous people actually found out the issues instead of blaming them entirely, maybe things might actually change. I would love, and I know all my co-workers would also, to see my site become unneeded.

After walking around Downtown, we went to a soup kitchen. I have not been so greatful for a meal in a long long time. And I was only outside for about... 3 hours. From what I hear, that is one of the attractions of Denver at least. You won't go hungry. You might not be able to get a job or a place to stay or anything like that. But hey, at least you will be well fed.

I'm really impressed by a lot of these guys and gals. There really is a great sence of community and of giving. When you don't have that much, sharing what you do have is not that much of a stretch. I know I have a lot to learn from them in how I live my life. There is also a lot of patience in most of them. Unfortunately this is mainly from being treated like crap in society and been forced to wait, but they take it with a tolerance which would be good for all of us.

That's about all that I can think of for the moment. I do know that my heart is growing for these people, and I have been having a few moments once in awile of compassion. Not pity, but a genuine caring for these people and where they are at. These people need Jesus. I may not be able to intentionally talk to them about him and what he has done in my life, but I can do... well, not really me... God can reveal himself through what I do, and I pray that I can see him in action in their lives.

I hope that I might get to know them better as people. Most of my interactions are only surface level, for a few minutes. I get to exchange pleasantries but not much else. I want to know stories, to know where people are at and how they got there. I want to have something to pray for beyond "God please bless these people."

I don't know if this kind of work is something I would do personally, but I know it is going to be part of my life from now on. This is why I'm glad I have the opportunity to write things down. Perhaps in a few years I can read through this and spark a flame in myself to go out and be involved with revealing more of the Kingdom of God in the here and now.

Pray for me please... and for St. Francis and all the awesome people I work with... and most importantly that things can change, both our society that holds people down, and in the hearts of people who are hardened to the poor of all types, and in the lives of the people I interact with each and every day, that they can see the hope that only God can bring.

Here I Go Again

Father Hear My Prayer
I Need The Perfect Words
Words That He Will Hear
And Know They're Straight From You
I Don't Know What To Say
I Only Know It Hurts
To See My Only Friend
Slowly Fade Away

So Maybe This Time
I'll Speak The Words Of Life
With Your Fire In My Eyes
But That Old Familiar Fear
Is Tearing At My Words
What Am I So Afraid Of

'Cause Here I Go Again
Talkin' Bout The Rain
And Mulling Over Things
That Won't Live Past Today
And As I Dance Around The Truth
Time Is Not His Friend
This Might Be My Last Chance
To Tell Him That You Love Him
But Here I Go Again
Here I Go Again

Lord You Love Him So
You Gave Your Only Son
If He Just Believed
He Will Never Die
But How Then Will He Know
What He Has Never Heard
Or Never Seen Mirrored In My Life

So Maybe This Time
I'll Speak the Word Of Like
With Your Fire In My Eyes
But That Old Familiar Fear
Is Tearing At My Words
What Am I So Afraid Of

'Cause Here I Go Again
Talkin' Bout The Rain
And Mulling Over Things
That Won't Live Past Today
And As I Dance Around The Truth
Time Is Not His Friend
This Might Be My Last Chance
To Tell Him That You Love Him
But Here I Go Again
Here I Go
Here I Go

So Maybe This Time
I'll Speak The Words Of Life
With Your Fire In My Eyes
But That Old familiar Fear
Is Tearing At My Words
What Am I So Afraid Of

'Cause Here I Go Again
Talkin' Bout The Rain
And Mulling Over Things
That Won't Live Past Today
And As I Dance Around The Truth
Time Is Not His Friend
This Might Be My Last Chance
To Tell Him That You Love Him
This Might Be My Last Chance
To Tell Him That You Love Him
This Might Be My Last Chance
To Tell Him That You Love Him

You Love Him
You Love Him
What Am I So Afraidgo
What Am I So Afraid
What Am I So Afraid Of

How Then Will He Know
What He Has Never Heard

~yawn~

I wanted to post something to show that I'm still alive and kicking. I would love to describe how things are going at my placement and stuff like that but I don't have enough stamina for that.

I've been really tired lately. I have determined that it is partly due to not being used to much schedule (ideally, I should be going to bed at like 9-10, but I rarely get to bed before 11/11:30) and partly that I think I'm fighting off a cold or some other sort of sickness.

It was really bad last night and today. Yesterday we did a very informative walk around Downtown Denver with some homeless peoples. This meant walking around outside for the better part of 4 hours, after having been up at 6 and working from 7-12. When we had the meal at a soup kitchen at the end I was thinking that I have not been so grateful for a meal in a long, long time... I hope I can remain mindful of that as I continue on in my daily life.

Once we got home, I pretty much crashed. I slinked off to my room and curled up in the bed for awhile and messed around with my PDA, but I soon feel asleep. It was only my friend calling at around 10:00 that got me up and brushing my teeth and actually properly going to bed (I didn't talk to him until today). I know I was really out because somebody else called about 45 mins later and I don't recall it at all.

It wasn't a very restful sleep unfortunately. I remember waking up at least at 3:00, and I believe one other time that I don't remember (I drank a lot of liquids that day, what can I say??). I woke up at about 5:35, about 10 minutes before I would normally start the process of getting up for my placement, instead of taking the opportunity to just get up and get ready, I curled back up, and it took me until about 6:22 to decide that calling work and saying I would be late would be a good idea. With that done I curled back up and waited to wake up on my own.

I woke back up again a little after 8, and I mostly rested in bed until a little after 9 when I finally summoned enough willpower to get up and get ready. I got to work a little after 10, and they were very grateful that I made it. I guess there weren't that many volunteers to cover the gaps today. I stayed till a little after 4 because of the soup kitchen, and I was going to meet up with some housemates who were going to a bicycle collective over off of 10th and Lipan, but they were crowded so I stopped when I got to the Auraria campus. Fortunately, my mom was there checking out the bookstore there so I met up with her.

From there, I was able to take care of some needed stuff (or at least partly... I forgot my pin number for one of my banks so they locked me out once I finally got it, so I didn't get to make my deposit. Grr. Fortunately I don't need the money in there right away. That's what I get for them assigning me a pin instead of me getting to pick it? Hopefully I will remember it after this... I don't really need it for anything besides deposits anyway (and needing a pin to make a deposit seems kinda stupid anyway, but it is understandable since no other person is involved).

With that done I decided to come down and spend the night at my parents. I was going to come down to this area tomorrow anyway so it was convenient enough to take the opportunity instead of dealing with the bus or whatever tomorrow.

My only main regret is that I haven't been able to spend much time with my housemates since my schedule is so different from anybody else, and despite my night owl nature, I have to get to bed early whether I like it or not. I just need to make sure to set some time aside while I can. It's hard enough that I'm going to be gone for a week because of my trip. Of course, as far as I can tell my direct roomate hasn't been spending the night at the house. There have been some posters in the same position for a few days now. I assume he has been with his girlfriend. Of course, my coordinator does the same thing most nights. That's their call though.

So here I am. I had a nice chat with my mom. Soon it is bed time though. My body clock is saying that I need to be in bed and I'm not one to fight it. I would like to enjoy my sleep as much as possible.

Thar yah go. Not really any substance, but still a healthy part of a normal diet.