An attempt at a fair and balanced defense

So here is the story. Recently my ex-gf got in contact with me and complained about me mentioning her in my blog, and that I make it seem like I place all the blame on her for whatever context I bring her up.

First, I understand that she doesn't choose to bring me up when she blogs. That however is her choice. I have not named her, and those who do know who she is already know more than I write here. It is not my intention to slander or otherwise defame her through what I post. If anybody feels this is not the case I'm always open to constructive criticism.

So with this in mind, I'm going to try to set the record straight as it were. Do realize that this is my biased perspective and nothing is going to change that, I am however going to be as objective and self critical as possible.

Since this all mainly concerned with what happened after we broke up, I'm going to try to summarize what has gone on since then.

Because my ex and I were in different places in our lives and had different expectations about the relationship, she broke up with me. This was an odd circumstance as that didn't keep us from talking for the next 6 months, we simply didn't make any serious attempts to see each other in person. This was partly due to the fact that I didn't have a car, and I decided (and still am at that place) that I didn't want a car, and didn't want to make the steps that would be necessary to make me owning a car possible. There were of course other things we didn't agree on however going into those are not needed.

We continued to talk and tried to recreate some sort of more normal friendship. My ex was not entirely disinterested in a relationship, however she insisted that things such as me not having a car changed, and I was not willing to make those changes.

From my perspective, our friendship continued to be strained over those months that we continued talking. I got tired with how things were going, and I felt like I was continually attacked about my decisions to not get what she considered a "real job" or a car, along with any possible romantic interestests that I had.

On that note, I am completely aware that I probably didn't handle it well. First, it was probably a mistake to try and look into getting into another relationship so soon. I also could have better respected my ex, however, from my perspective our relationship was over, and she was in no position to keep me from dating someone else. Much of her concern was over the person being good enough for me, which I can understand, and I think she was right in many cases, however, I know there was more which I felt was straining our relationship.

So, I decided that I needed space from her, so I cut off all contact with her. I realize this might not have been the best way to handle it. I felt that I had tried to make steps to cut down out contact to a level that I could handle, and to express the boundaries that I felt were necessary. I appologize if she feels this is slandarous but I do not feel that she respected me. I don't think it is necessary to state exactly why I felt this way, but I did, so I felt it would be best for my emotional health to not speak with her for awhile.

After awhile, we started speaking some, and I felt like it went fairly well. It was nice to see how she was going, and to know that she was in a good relationship that she felt was what she needed, along with watch her progress in school and help her out with papers and whatnot when I could. However, some of the same issues came up that made me feel she didn't respect me. Maybe I didn't do a good enough job expressing those things. I acknowledge that I am passive by nature as far as conflicts go and I'm slowly attempting to develop healthy ways to handle conflict. Whatever the case, I stopped talking to her again for awhile.

Recently, we started speaking once again, and things went fairly well for awhile like before. There was an unfortunate incident where one of my friends had my phone when she called, and the two of them, along with some of my friends friend's who came over with her, proceeded to have a very vicious verbal fight until my housemate saved the situation.

I fully admit that I didn't handle things well. I should have gotten my phone back instead of sitting back and watching it unfold. In some ways I'm greatful for what happened because it allowed me to see another side of my friend (who I was considering dating) and see that it would perhaps not be such a good idea for us to date. Nevertheless, that cause great strain on my relationship with my ex. I know what I did was disrespectful, and I am sorry for it, and I know now not to let that happen again, but it did happen and I cannot see why it needed to be brought up many times after the fact by my ex, despite my feble attempts to make some reconciliation of the situation.

So out of that, I once again decided to stop speaking to my ex. I know that this is a defense mechanism that will only last me so long. I admit that I'm at a quandry at this point. There has been so much strain and miscommunication and hurt on both of our sides that trying to resolve all our conflicts could take a long time. I would like to resolve things and know that she doesn't hold bad feelings towards me, but I'm not sure I want to continue a friendship at this point. I know that some friendships are for a season, and most people don't work out their issues and part kindly so I'm not sure where to go from here.

I know that simply cutting myself off from her for the rest of my life is in some ways an unhealthy thing. However, I know it is also the case that sometimes it is necessary to completely end a relationship because there is no progress.

This blog is partly inspired by my ex's comments a few nights ago, however, ironically enough I just went to a place called "The Conflict Center" with my summer program and had a seminar about conflict management. Some of it was stuff I knew but there were also some new things that I learned. One of the big ones is that I'm much more passive than I gave myself credit for. At least I know some specific things to work on now.

But, in this particular situation, one of the most important things that is imperative if any kind of relationship is going to come out of our torrid past is that both of us MUST be willing to change. That means sacrifices. In some ways I don't like that, because obviously I feel I'm right, and I know for sure that she feels the same way. It also is imperative that we need to respect each other better, and actually care about each other. Maybe we don't have to like each other, but there does have to be a mutual respect that neither of us have done a good job fostering.

So there we go. I feel comfortable with where I am at with what I have said. I don't think I have lied about anything, or blamed her completely, or not taken responsibility when it is needed. Feel free to call me on that, which I know might be hard because I haven't given many details or circumstances that are necessary in determining if I was in the wrong in a situation, but if you feel the need go ahead.

Anyway, I don't have anything more to say. For now, I'm going to go hang out with my housemates. More blogs will be forthcoming. Until next time oh faithful audience of my life.