Monday, February 14, 2005

What a night

I dunno what to say.

Right now seems to be a really hard place for me right now. It is looking more and more like my friend isn't going to work out. Part of me still wants to try to work it out, but I'm starting to feel deep in my heart that it just won't work in the end, and that I really need to cut the ties with her.

This is just about the worst fear I can have, seriously. I ran across this personality typing thing, similar kind of thing to Meyer's-Briggs, and the 5 Love languages, but it is different. Its called the Enneagram, an excellent website for it is www.9types.com. I was reading about my personality type (its 9 if your curious) and I was reading the information, and so much of it fit me exactly. I was really surprised how much it fits.

The point I'm trying to make though... my personality is a peacemaker or mediator, I don't like conflicts, I like relationships working out, and in a way I'm very submissive to the point of not wanting to hurt a relationship, so I tend to look at myself little, even if there is something that I really need to do for myself. Additionally, I'm a very indecisive person, I hate making big decisions, especially when it upsets a relationship. But that is where I'm at now. The things that I was holding on to in the relationship are starting to fade away, and I'm realizing how some of them were really unhealthy reasons. People of my personality type, are the ones who would stay in a bad relationship for 20 years w/o saying anything, and I feel like I am sort of in that position now.

My friend is a type 8, and the description on the site seems to fit her just as well as it fits me. There are many things that fit in with her personality. There is nothing wrong with any personality, but there are healthy and unhealthy parts, and I see her as having some very unhealthy parts. Not to say that I don't either, I know I do. The hard thing for me is that many things that are part of her personality, are things that frustrate me and hurt me.

I'm really not sure what to do, I know for now I'm going to be praying and looking to God for guidance, but I don't know if I should try again to make the relationship healthy, or if this is something that is just not going to change, and it is time for me to move on. I can say I'm not growing with her at all, if anything I feel much more hurt lately than anything. I know I should give it one more go, but right now it feels like that would be as hard as cutting it off. I don't know if I will feel different in the morning.

It's also kinda funny, there is a girl on campus that I like, and we haven't seen each other very much for the last two weeks. I have known that God had kept us apart, and I had some ideas about reasons (on my side) and it turns out that I was right, at least about God being the one in charge. As you can tell from the last sections, I have been struggling more than ever with this relationship, and I like this girl, but I don't know her that well, and I want to get to know her better but I'm afraid I would try and jump into a relationship with her. Well, she called me today and told me that she had something she really wanted to tell me. I just saw her awhile ago, and it turns out that she has started dating somebody that she had dated before. I was talking with my mom earlier (about the personality thing and my relationship ironically enough), so I didn't get to go and talk to her for as long as I expected, b/c the guy was coming over, so I actually only got to talk to her for a few minutes before he arrived and she had to go. I'm extremely thankful to God, b/c like I said I like her, and with all my relationship stuff, part of me was hoping to get together with her. With the little time we talked, I was leaving by the time it started to sink in. If we had talked for longer, I'm not sure if I could have handled it with where I have been tonight.

God is in control, I don't need to worry, even when it hurts. If Jesus relied so much on God, when he was the Son of God, how much more do I need to depend on him? It is hard, that's for sure, but it is something I need to learn, and as much as I hate the feeling, I know that through this brokenness that God can work, and that through this I can grow in a way that I wouldn't be able if things were different.

I'm just so overwhelmed right now, and I still have an essay to write, which is due in oh, just about 12 hours from now. I'm relying on God completely right now... or at least as much as I know how to, because I have nothing else that I can do right now. I can't handle these emotions, and I certainly can't get the focus I need to write this essay alone. Great is the Lord.

I guess I will have to see how God works in my over the next few weeks. I know it is going to be incredibly hard, and a challenge like I have not experienced. I have to say, just the thought of it makes me scared almost to tears right now. I need to do this though, I know it is where God is leading me, there is going to be some kind of growth in my life right now, and I trust God to be in charge of it.

"I'm just an ordinary boy, God must have heard my prayers tonight..." - Hawk Nelson

Daniel

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Retreats are fun.

Well, just got back from High Altitude, a retreat for high-schoolers up in the mountains near Winter Park (Before you ask I went as a leader).

It was a really great experience. If you gathered anything from my last post I had a lot on my mind going up to the retreat. The retreat is designed mostly for kids who are not Christian, show them the basics and all that, but there were a few things that I got out of it.

Really going back and remembering why Jesus died can make you think.

I'm not sure if I can really say I have a resolution for any of the things I was struggling with going up, I didn't honestly get that much time to sit back and think about it, but it wasn't really the reason I went up there. My stressful week just happened to come before the retreat.

I do think I have come to a better place about whether I should try and look for a relationship right now.

The relationship that I need to work on first is with God, if I try and date somebody, it is just going to be trying to fill a hole, especially since it would be kind of a re-bound from my last girl friend (even though we haven't been dating for a few months, I have ranted enough about it that I don't think I really need to say more). I think that what needs to be done is settle things with her before I can move on to something else.

I don't want to be bitter, but about an hour ago she gave me a call, and the first thing I heard was a complaint about me not calling her back. Now, I admit I was a bit snappy and rude when I responded that I had just gotten back a few minutes before. I didn't get that much sleep over the weekend, so I'm a little tired. I'm not going to try and make an excuse. I do know that because I'm kinda tired here that it wasn't hard to set me off. It just really bugged me that she would start off with that. It's not like it was something new for her to say, and she could have been more or less joking, but I really get tired of it.

I understand that it is a little rude not to call her back, but I have homework to catch up with so I was expecting to talk to her later. She was the one who chose to call me again, and I don't appriciate that she complains about me not calling back.

Frankly, I wasn't thinking about calling her back. Not really at the front of my mind. I admit, I don't have the best track record for calling people back in the first place. Not really helping our relationship much, but I'm starting to think (more seriously than I have before) that maybe it is time to cut things off.

I didn't want this to turn into a rant about my relationship, but I think it is too late to stop that. I haven't really grown in my relationship with her for awhile now (at least it feels that way). Lately, I have felt more like I have been trying to save a boat with a huge hole in it. I can solve some of the smaller problems, but there is the big hole, and the boat is slowly sinking. There would have to be major changes in both my life and hers, and I don't see it happening.

There were things I was holding on to, reasons why I wanted to keep a relationship with her possible, but I think I have let go (or at least loosened my grip on) some of those things (at least the ones which are not good reasons to keep a relationship). I guess I will just have to go from here. The week has already started off badly, so we will see what happens next.

Now where was I... Ah yes.

Like I said, what I need to work on is my relationship with God. I need to come to a better place with him before I can really have a healthy dating relationship.

I still hope I can develop my friendship with the girl who goes to school here, but I think I need to wait on that, because I think that if we got closer that we would end up dating, and I don't think that I can handle that right now, as much as I have enjoyed dating.

I really had a great time with my old youth group. The retreat touched me in many ways, and I'm glad for the experience.

More thoughts later perhaps.

~Daniel

Friday, February 04, 2005

Emptiness

I feel empty lately

I'm really not sure how to explain it. I know it is not a lack of friends, since I have friends around campus and off campus that I have been spending time with.

I'm pretty sure it isn't a spiritual emptiness, although I know I can't say that for sure. The reason why I'm reluctant to say that it is spiritual is because my walk with God seems to be getting better. I have been taking more time away to spend time talking to God. I have made an attempt to work on my Bible Study every day, instead of just waiting until Tuesday night and doing it on the way to the group.

Maybe it is a challenge, God trying to get me to look to him and rely on him even more than I am trying to do now. I really feel torn, because I know that I should be doing that... but at the same time how I feel empty seems so tangible.

I honestly feel that what I'm lacking is an intimate relationship with somebody. Not necessarily a romantic one... but an intimate relationships between friends does not happen very often.

There are five love languages. If you haven't heard of them, the 5 types (as identified by Gary Chapman) are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. Of those five, the three which I identify the most (as far as what I feel like I need) with are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time (roughly in order).

With my friend, who I dated before, and still have this ongoing thing... well, I don't really get much from her. She has never been one to encourage me or anything like that... and as much as she says she loves me, she doesn't treat me in a way that really connects to me, so it always feel like she really doesn't, whether or not it is true.

My point though, is that I really don't have a relationship of any kind that really nurtures me in the ways that I need to be nurtured, so I'm feeling kind of hurt, almost borderline depressed.

Like I said, I don't know if this is because God is trying to get me to rely on him more, or not. I just really don't know, I'm so confused. I know God wants to be our all and all... but at the same time, he created us to be communal beings.. and to have people joined together in relationships, so in some ways, humans need other humans, just as much as they need God, at least while we are on this earth. This is why I'm so confused. I suppose it could be both, that God wants me to grow closer to him out of necessity, or if he is also pushing me to find a close relationship....

But I don't know what I should do about that, because I can't just force a relationship like that out of some one, and I can't just seek out somebody to fill that hole, since it would just be temporary and not really last, and I don't want that kind of relationship.

It's just really strange right now. I have a friend on campus, and we have talked about what it would be like if we dated, but I'm not sure how serious it is sometimes. Her world is really different from mine... she is much more introverted, and has gone on more dates with more people than I will probably ever in my life. I'm not sure if any relationship with her would really be a lasting one... and I don't want just a short relationship fling thing... because I really value her as a friend even though I don't know her that well, and I don't want to end up dating her and then losing the friendship if we break up.

Anyway, I have been wanting to talk to her this week, but I just haven't seen her, or when I have seen her, I haven't really had the chance to talk to her, so I almost feel like God is intentionally keeping me from talking to her, which makes me wonder if God is wanting me to look to him first before I try developing anything with her, even if it is just a friendship... I know that if we did become closer friends, that it would probably be a deep friendhip, and I really would like that.

I know no relationship is perfect though, so I know I can't expect paradise.

I'm just so confused. I have so many thoughts, so many questions right now. Not to mention that I have all my homework to deal with... papers to write... sigh.

As far as my relationship with my ex... I'm starting to come to a point where I don't think that I can expect another dating relationship with her. I wouldn't say it isn't possible... but there are some deep differences in our ideology that have come up lately. She has a different view of Church than I do. She says she only goes to Church when she feels like it... but that she would be more involved in her church if she had the time. Now, I'm not saying that somebody should go to Church if they aren't getting anything out of it, but I really feel that there needs to be some dicipline about going to church, because the way she is saying it make it feel like she ONLY goes to Church if she "gets something out of it"... almost a "feel-good" mentality, which I think is horrible theology.

Thats why I feel it is more important to be a member of a Church than she does. She says that she would only join a church if she was really going to be involved, since it would probably come with more obligations and some requirements... and I guess my response would be, yes, thats the whole point! I think there is more to it though, even if your not a part of the "voting membership" I think it really is important to identify yourself as a member of a church or community.

I'm also frustrate because she seems to try to be forcing me to change and be the person she wants me to be. Now, this isn't to say that she isn't right about any of it, but there are some things that I feel strongly about, and she does not agree at all, and refuses to relent about it.. such as my decision to not get a "real job" while I'm going to school (the fact that I have a job with the University Ministry on campus doesn't count). She also feels like I'm "over churching myself" by being involved in the different ministries, and she says that it has always annoyed me. But this is my life, and I am not planning on changing that part of me ever. Now, that isn't to say that I couldn't get over churched at some point, but I am not at that point, and she doesn't agree, but instead of just not agreeing, she continues to bring it up and throw it in my face, and tell me I'm wrong.

She seems to refuse to look at other options. I'm all for holding strongly to what you believe, but she will not be open at all. She has an "I'm right your wrong" mentality about just about everything, and I don't think I can put up with it for too much longer. I'm over churching myself and thats final. The things that I'm doing are a Bible study during the week, a group on campus that is tied to my campus job, Church on Saturday night, and a class on Sunday morning.

Now, I know I'm not the best at managing my time, but because of that it is almost more of a seperate issue than not always getting my homework done in an expedient manner. I have plenty of other times to work on my homework, I just don't do it then. So it has nothing to do with the groups I'm involved in getting in the way. There are some times when I'm involved with something, and I have something due the next day, so maybe I could have managed my time better so I'm not in a crunch, but it seems like that just because I have that happen once in awhile, that my schedule is filled with to many things which are "optional" when school isn't. I put a higher priority on the things I'm involved with than she does, but since that is different from her, I'm wrong. Grr.

I just don't want to try and run toward something with my friend just to fill that hole, and get away from my ex... but at the same time I really just feel this deep need to have a close to connection with someone... to be around them and hold them, and talk to them, and just share a deep connection with them... Even if it was just a close relationship, without as much of a physical connection, I think I would feel better.

I just feel so disconnected, and with feeling that there isn't much hope for a relationship with my ex any more, I have started to loose the things which I was holding on to before. I'm glad that I have stopped clinging in that way.... but now I'm floundering, searching desperately for something to hold on to. With one hand, I'm holding on to God, but I'm not sure if I should reach for him with my other hand, or if I should look for a more corporeal friendship in addition to God.

I'm going on a retreat this weekend. I really hope that it will give me a chance to reflect and get away from everything, and get some clarity and focus on what I should do next. I just feel like I'm so lost, and even though I have asked God to take control of this, and guide this, I feel so restless and confused, not knowing what to do next, and feeling too hurt to just sit and wait.

But waiting seems to be all I can do for now.

Wait and trust in God.

Daniel