Emptiness

I feel empty lately

I'm really not sure how to explain it. I know it is not a lack of friends, since I have friends around campus and off campus that I have been spending time with.

I'm pretty sure it isn't a spiritual emptiness, although I know I can't say that for sure. The reason why I'm reluctant to say that it is spiritual is because my walk with God seems to be getting better. I have been taking more time away to spend time talking to God. I have made an attempt to work on my Bible Study every day, instead of just waiting until Tuesday night and doing it on the way to the group.

Maybe it is a challenge, God trying to get me to look to him and rely on him even more than I am trying to do now. I really feel torn, because I know that I should be doing that... but at the same time how I feel empty seems so tangible.

I honestly feel that what I'm lacking is an intimate relationship with somebody. Not necessarily a romantic one... but an intimate relationships between friends does not happen very often.

There are five love languages. If you haven't heard of them, the 5 types (as identified by Gary Chapman) are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. Of those five, the three which I identify the most (as far as what I feel like I need) with are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time (roughly in order).

With my friend, who I dated before, and still have this ongoing thing... well, I don't really get much from her. She has never been one to encourage me or anything like that... and as much as she says she loves me, she doesn't treat me in a way that really connects to me, so it always feel like she really doesn't, whether or not it is true.

My point though, is that I really don't have a relationship of any kind that really nurtures me in the ways that I need to be nurtured, so I'm feeling kind of hurt, almost borderline depressed.

Like I said, I don't know if this is because God is trying to get me to rely on him more, or not. I just really don't know, I'm so confused. I know God wants to be our all and all... but at the same time, he created us to be communal beings.. and to have people joined together in relationships, so in some ways, humans need other humans, just as much as they need God, at least while we are on this earth. This is why I'm so confused. I suppose it could be both, that God wants me to grow closer to him out of necessity, or if he is also pushing me to find a close relationship....

But I don't know what I should do about that, because I can't just force a relationship like that out of some one, and I can't just seek out somebody to fill that hole, since it would just be temporary and not really last, and I don't want that kind of relationship.

It's just really strange right now. I have a friend on campus, and we have talked about what it would be like if we dated, but I'm not sure how serious it is sometimes. Her world is really different from mine... she is much more introverted, and has gone on more dates with more people than I will probably ever in my life. I'm not sure if any relationship with her would really be a lasting one... and I don't want just a short relationship fling thing... because I really value her as a friend even though I don't know her that well, and I don't want to end up dating her and then losing the friendship if we break up.

Anyway, I have been wanting to talk to her this week, but I just haven't seen her, or when I have seen her, I haven't really had the chance to talk to her, so I almost feel like God is intentionally keeping me from talking to her, which makes me wonder if God is wanting me to look to him first before I try developing anything with her, even if it is just a friendship... I know that if we did become closer friends, that it would probably be a deep friendhip, and I really would like that.

I know no relationship is perfect though, so I know I can't expect paradise.

I'm just so confused. I have so many thoughts, so many questions right now. Not to mention that I have all my homework to deal with... papers to write... sigh.

As far as my relationship with my ex... I'm starting to come to a point where I don't think that I can expect another dating relationship with her. I wouldn't say it isn't possible... but there are some deep differences in our ideology that have come up lately. She has a different view of Church than I do. She says she only goes to Church when she feels like it... but that she would be more involved in her church if she had the time. Now, I'm not saying that somebody should go to Church if they aren't getting anything out of it, but I really feel that there needs to be some dicipline about going to church, because the way she is saying it make it feel like she ONLY goes to Church if she "gets something out of it"... almost a "feel-good" mentality, which I think is horrible theology.

Thats why I feel it is more important to be a member of a Church than she does. She says that she would only join a church if she was really going to be involved, since it would probably come with more obligations and some requirements... and I guess my response would be, yes, thats the whole point! I think there is more to it though, even if your not a part of the "voting membership" I think it really is important to identify yourself as a member of a church or community.

I'm also frustrate because she seems to try to be forcing me to change and be the person she wants me to be. Now, this isn't to say that she isn't right about any of it, but there are some things that I feel strongly about, and she does not agree at all, and refuses to relent about it.. such as my decision to not get a "real job" while I'm going to school (the fact that I have a job with the University Ministry on campus doesn't count). She also feels like I'm "over churching myself" by being involved in the different ministries, and she says that it has always annoyed me. But this is my life, and I am not planning on changing that part of me ever. Now, that isn't to say that I couldn't get over churched at some point, but I am not at that point, and she doesn't agree, but instead of just not agreeing, she continues to bring it up and throw it in my face, and tell me I'm wrong.

She seems to refuse to look at other options. I'm all for holding strongly to what you believe, but she will not be open at all. She has an "I'm right your wrong" mentality about just about everything, and I don't think I can put up with it for too much longer. I'm over churching myself and thats final. The things that I'm doing are a Bible study during the week, a group on campus that is tied to my campus job, Church on Saturday night, and a class on Sunday morning.

Now, I know I'm not the best at managing my time, but because of that it is almost more of a seperate issue than not always getting my homework done in an expedient manner. I have plenty of other times to work on my homework, I just don't do it then. So it has nothing to do with the groups I'm involved in getting in the way. There are some times when I'm involved with something, and I have something due the next day, so maybe I could have managed my time better so I'm not in a crunch, but it seems like that just because I have that happen once in awhile, that my schedule is filled with to many things which are "optional" when school isn't. I put a higher priority on the things I'm involved with than she does, but since that is different from her, I'm wrong. Grr.

I just don't want to try and run toward something with my friend just to fill that hole, and get away from my ex... but at the same time I really just feel this deep need to have a close to connection with someone... to be around them and hold them, and talk to them, and just share a deep connection with them... Even if it was just a close relationship, without as much of a physical connection, I think I would feel better.

I just feel so disconnected, and with feeling that there isn't much hope for a relationship with my ex any more, I have started to loose the things which I was holding on to before. I'm glad that I have stopped clinging in that way.... but now I'm floundering, searching desperately for something to hold on to. With one hand, I'm holding on to God, but I'm not sure if I should reach for him with my other hand, or if I should look for a more corporeal friendship in addition to God.

I'm going on a retreat this weekend. I really hope that it will give me a chance to reflect and get away from everything, and get some clarity and focus on what I should do next. I just feel like I'm so lost, and even though I have asked God to take control of this, and guide this, I feel so restless and confused, not knowing what to do next, and feeling too hurt to just sit and wait.

But waiting seems to be all I can do for now.

Wait and trust in God.

Daniel