What a night
I dunno what to say.
Right now seems to be a really hard place for me right now. It is looking more and more like my friend isn't going to work out. Part of me still wants to try to work it out, but I'm starting to feel deep in my heart that it just won't work in the end, and that I really need to cut the ties with her.
This is just about the worst fear I can have, seriously. I ran across this personality typing thing, similar kind of thing to Meyer's-Briggs, and the 5 Love languages, but it is different. Its called the Enneagram, an excellent website for it is www.9types.com. I was reading about my personality type (its 9 if your curious) and I was reading the information, and so much of it fit me exactly. I was really surprised how much it fits.
The point I'm trying to make though... my personality is a peacemaker or mediator, I don't like conflicts, I like relationships working out, and in a way I'm very submissive to the point of not wanting to hurt a relationship, so I tend to look at myself little, even if there is something that I really need to do for myself. Additionally, I'm a very indecisive person, I hate making big decisions, especially when it upsets a relationship. But that is where I'm at now. The things that I was holding on to in the relationship are starting to fade away, and I'm realizing how some of them were really unhealthy reasons. People of my personality type, are the ones who would stay in a bad relationship for 20 years w/o saying anything, and I feel like I am sort of in that position now.
My friend is a type 8, and the description on the site seems to fit her just as well as it fits me. There are many things that fit in with her personality. There is nothing wrong with any personality, but there are healthy and unhealthy parts, and I see her as having some very unhealthy parts. Not to say that I don't either, I know I do. The hard thing for me is that many things that are part of her personality, are things that frustrate me and hurt me.
I'm really not sure what to do, I know for now I'm going to be praying and looking to God for guidance, but I don't know if I should try again to make the relationship healthy, or if this is something that is just not going to change, and it is time for me to move on. I can say I'm not growing with her at all, if anything I feel much more hurt lately than anything. I know I should give it one more go, but right now it feels like that would be as hard as cutting it off. I don't know if I will feel different in the morning.
It's also kinda funny, there is a girl on campus that I like, and we haven't seen each other very much for the last two weeks. I have known that God had kept us apart, and I had some ideas about reasons (on my side) and it turns out that I was right, at least about God being the one in charge. As you can tell from the last sections, I have been struggling more than ever with this relationship, and I like this girl, but I don't know her that well, and I want to get to know her better but I'm afraid I would try and jump into a relationship with her. Well, she called me today and told me that she had something she really wanted to tell me. I just saw her awhile ago, and it turns out that she has started dating somebody that she had dated before. I was talking with my mom earlier (about the personality thing and my relationship ironically enough), so I didn't get to go and talk to her for as long as I expected, b/c the guy was coming over, so I actually only got to talk to her for a few minutes before he arrived and she had to go. I'm extremely thankful to God, b/c like I said I like her, and with all my relationship stuff, part of me was hoping to get together with her. With the little time we talked, I was leaving by the time it started to sink in. If we had talked for longer, I'm not sure if I could have handled it with where I have been tonight.
God is in control, I don't need to worry, even when it hurts. If Jesus relied so much on God, when he was the Son of God, how much more do I need to depend on him? It is hard, that's for sure, but it is something I need to learn, and as much as I hate the feeling, I know that through this brokenness that God can work, and that through this I can grow in a way that I wouldn't be able if things were different.
I'm just so overwhelmed right now, and I still have an essay to write, which is due in oh, just about 12 hours from now. I'm relying on God completely right now... or at least as much as I know how to, because I have nothing else that I can do right now. I can't handle these emotions, and I certainly can't get the focus I need to write this essay alone. Great is the Lord.
I guess I will have to see how God works in my over the next few weeks. I know it is going to be incredibly hard, and a challenge like I have not experienced. I have to say, just the thought of it makes me scared almost to tears right now. I need to do this though, I know it is where God is leading me, there is going to be some kind of growth in my life right now, and I trust God to be in charge of it.
"I'm just an ordinary boy, God must have heard my prayers tonight..." - Hawk Nelson
Daniel
Right now seems to be a really hard place for me right now. It is looking more and more like my friend isn't going to work out. Part of me still wants to try to work it out, but I'm starting to feel deep in my heart that it just won't work in the end, and that I really need to cut the ties with her.
This is just about the worst fear I can have, seriously. I ran across this personality typing thing, similar kind of thing to Meyer's-Briggs, and the 5 Love languages, but it is different. Its called the Enneagram, an excellent website for it is www.9types.com. I was reading about my personality type (its 9 if your curious) and I was reading the information, and so much of it fit me exactly. I was really surprised how much it fits.
The point I'm trying to make though... my personality is a peacemaker or mediator, I don't like conflicts, I like relationships working out, and in a way I'm very submissive to the point of not wanting to hurt a relationship, so I tend to look at myself little, even if there is something that I really need to do for myself. Additionally, I'm a very indecisive person, I hate making big decisions, especially when it upsets a relationship. But that is where I'm at now. The things that I was holding on to in the relationship are starting to fade away, and I'm realizing how some of them were really unhealthy reasons. People of my personality type, are the ones who would stay in a bad relationship for 20 years w/o saying anything, and I feel like I am sort of in that position now.
My friend is a type 8, and the description on the site seems to fit her just as well as it fits me. There are many things that fit in with her personality. There is nothing wrong with any personality, but there are healthy and unhealthy parts, and I see her as having some very unhealthy parts. Not to say that I don't either, I know I do. The hard thing for me is that many things that are part of her personality, are things that frustrate me and hurt me.
I'm really not sure what to do, I know for now I'm going to be praying and looking to God for guidance, but I don't know if I should try again to make the relationship healthy, or if this is something that is just not going to change, and it is time for me to move on. I can say I'm not growing with her at all, if anything I feel much more hurt lately than anything. I know I should give it one more go, but right now it feels like that would be as hard as cutting it off. I don't know if I will feel different in the morning.
It's also kinda funny, there is a girl on campus that I like, and we haven't seen each other very much for the last two weeks. I have known that God had kept us apart, and I had some ideas about reasons (on my side) and it turns out that I was right, at least about God being the one in charge. As you can tell from the last sections, I have been struggling more than ever with this relationship, and I like this girl, but I don't know her that well, and I want to get to know her better but I'm afraid I would try and jump into a relationship with her. Well, she called me today and told me that she had something she really wanted to tell me. I just saw her awhile ago, and it turns out that she has started dating somebody that she had dated before. I was talking with my mom earlier (about the personality thing and my relationship ironically enough), so I didn't get to go and talk to her for as long as I expected, b/c the guy was coming over, so I actually only got to talk to her for a few minutes before he arrived and she had to go. I'm extremely thankful to God, b/c like I said I like her, and with all my relationship stuff, part of me was hoping to get together with her. With the little time we talked, I was leaving by the time it started to sink in. If we had talked for longer, I'm not sure if I could have handled it with where I have been tonight.
God is in control, I don't need to worry, even when it hurts. If Jesus relied so much on God, when he was the Son of God, how much more do I need to depend on him? It is hard, that's for sure, but it is something I need to learn, and as much as I hate the feeling, I know that through this brokenness that God can work, and that through this I can grow in a way that I wouldn't be able if things were different.
I'm just so overwhelmed right now, and I still have an essay to write, which is due in oh, just about 12 hours from now. I'm relying on God completely right now... or at least as much as I know how to, because I have nothing else that I can do right now. I can't handle these emotions, and I certainly can't get the focus I need to write this essay alone. Great is the Lord.
I guess I will have to see how God works in my over the next few weeks. I know it is going to be incredibly hard, and a challenge like I have not experienced. I have to say, just the thought of it makes me scared almost to tears right now. I need to do this though, I know it is where God is leading me, there is going to be some kind of growth in my life right now, and I trust God to be in charge of it.
"I'm just an ordinary boy, God must have heard my prayers tonight..." - Hawk Nelson
Daniel
posted by Typo Panther at
11:20:00 PM
1 Comments:
Are you ever going to post something new???
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