Can Words Express?

So how do I write a blog when I'm not sure if I can express even a fraction of what's on my mind? Well, I suppose I'm going to try. That's what I get for reading from 5 different books or so today.

I can feel the tug of God on my heart. I'm not sure exactly what direction it is in, or what it means, but it's there nonetheless. I know all my experiences, the churches I've been part of, the schools I went to, the communities I've participated in, all of it is leading me somewhere. I know what that is God has yet to reveal (other than where I find myself now). I have hints, vague images of what that place might look like, but I know that something new could enter my life and shift that direction just as many things have over the last few years.

It's so hard to express any of this. I barely know what direction I'm heading, so how do I express that to my friends, to my family, to my girlfriend? How many of the people in my life right now are people who might come along side me on this journey, and how many might I end up parting ways with as we go forward?

My life seems to be such a mesh of everything. There are many things that are important to me in some way or another, but nothing seems to define me more than others. This is not to say that I wish to be defined by a solitary issue, but I'm trying to find my own context. I AM ____?

Of course, I do find myself in a post-modern world, which rejects the rigid definitions of the past. A movement which seeks to take the good in all things. So it's no surprise really that I feel somewhat without grounding. But, isn't the point that Jesus should be my grounding point, not anything else around me. I think perhaps if I turn my focus more on Him, I will feel less lost. I would rather it be this way than be convinced that some movement or issue was the sole focus of my life, and be broken when that fails me.

But, it still leaves me with the question of how do I share any of this with those I share this journey with?

I suppose all people have a longing to be understood, and that ultimately nobody can be known completely except by God. So I know if focus too much on being understood, I will fail.

I guess the main thing seems to be that I feel the draw of opening myself up to wherever God will take me. And that can be a very unsettling thing, because the story of God is filled with many people being called to the ends of the earth and otherwise to places they never would have expected. And that can mean leaving everything behind.

I don't feel like God is going to call me to go serve in Africa or Latin America or Asia, it just doesn't resonate with who I feel God has made me. But who knows what might happen.

What I do feel the call of is community, in a way that isn't how it has formed in our culture. I long for living with people in a community, real connections not just geographical boundaries. I think about the 'hippie communes,' and Hebrew Kibbutz's, the Amish, monasteries and abbeys and other forms of intentional communites, but it seems like so often those groups have isolated themselves from the world, whatever their reasons.

I was part of a year long volunteer community, along with a shorter version in college. And I spent another year with four other men from my college as we tried to live intentionally with each other. But all of that was short term, and in some ways sheltered. They were all important in my life, but they have all faded away. It seems like there is a need for intentional communities to grow in more urban environments. Our culture has crippled us with our individualism.

So what would that look like? Perhaps it would be an apartment building, or maybe a group of houses on the same block. Maybe there would be space for a garden, but maybe not.

My girlfriend took the beginning steps of becoming a nun, but that is not where God has called her. I know she still longs for the kind of life set forth by the Rule of St. Benedict, even if she cannot live her life in a way as focused as that of the Abbey she was at. I know there are many people who try to live out those precepts as much as possible as they can (Oblates, Consecrated Virgins/Singles) but what's keeping a group of people coming together and living that out the best they can, even if they spend their day taking care of their children or serving coffee or selling real estate? There is a draw in me towards a monastic sort of life, but there is also an equally strong pull towards marriage. Why is it that they have to be separate?

I know there are other people who have felt that longing. There is a long history of Catholic Worker Houses where people have spent their lives living with the poor. In a sense, even those who live at Christian camps are a part of this style of life. But what is my place in this I wonder.

It scares the crap out of me that God might call me to be part of creating something new. I would much rather be part of the background, still active and participating, but to be a pioneer of sorts? Even if it is something I care about greatly it seems beyond my abilities. But, maybe that's the point isn't it. It never really was about me anyway. What better way to keep me humble than to have me do something that I know I couldn't have done on my own...

Goodnight.