[Insert Ambiguous All-Inclusive Title Here]

Being that I haven't written in a little while, I'm hoping I can cover a few subjects at once. That, and despite the late hour I'm not tired enough to go to bed and I think some good writing will help me get to sleep.

First, SOA. Since we got back right before Thanksgiving, I didn't get much of a chance to process because I got thrown into the mix of everything else going on. Now that I've had a little while to process, along with having a gathering last night (that is, Wed night) with a bunch of us to share pictures and brainstorm where we go from here.

So the experience is currently in my mind so I'm going to get out some of my thoughts now.

It was a very interesting experience. As I said before in my posts leading up to the SOA, it's not your stereotypical picketing with signs kind of protest.

It began with the "Ignatian Family Teach-In" which is more or less a social justice conference and a gathering point for Jesuit Universities, High Schools, Parishes, Jesuit Volunteer Corp and a handful of other Catholic groups. It was a good experience, especially hearing from some of the students of different universities. Unfortunately I was tired Friday evening and Saturday morning so I was in-and-out during a large percentage of the talks, which is unfortunate because there were some very good speakers.

After that, we were able to hang out at the "Rally" which I equate to a fair or festival. There is a stage up near the gate to Fort Benning, with speakers and music, along with vendors up and down the street (quite an eclectic mix for sure, anything from socialist anarchists and the green party to Grandmothers for Peace to conspiracy theorists, and student and religious groups) which was fun to explore. I got some good bumper stickers :)

Saturday evening concluded with a Mass, which was interesting, especially with the huge number of universities high schools and other groups represented, but there was still that lingering disconnection I experience being a non-catholic in a deeply catholic world. But I'm glad I stayed instead of joining the other members of our group who didn't join the Mass. Kinda. What Would Jesus Do anyway? Haha.

We gathered after the Mass and have a group meeting, discussing what thoughts we might have as we moved into the heart of why we were there the next day. It was a very moving experience, hearing the stories and the pain of some of our delegation. What was most moving to me, enough to cause me to catch my breath even as I write it was the pain of one of our leaders, as he expressed the heaviness and pain that he feels in his heart, knowing that he is in some ways responsible for destroying some of our innocence about the world, even though he knows it is necessary. This is where I don't know if I can describe my experience. For how can I put into words the breaking of my heart?

Sunday was what you would call the protest. They (or is it we? not sure) call it the "Solemn Funeral Procession" where we assemble in front of the gate and process towards it, calling out after the name of someone killed by one of the Graduates of the SOA/WINSEC "Presente!" which means "present" hearkening to the (predominantly) Catholic belief of the Communion of the Saints and thus their presence and prayers going with us, (although, I think it also fits well with the thought that we present them to the school) and upon reaching the gate place whatever crosses or banners we have carried, onto the fence, creating a beautiful memorial. It is also at this point that some people choose to use civil disobedience and cross onto the base, promptly being arrested. 16 crossed this year.

The rest of our time was spent wandering around the grounds, thinking, talking, processing through what we just went through. On my part I got to do a little shopping and spend some time with some other people from Colorado whom I knew (including the awesome guy that was my coordinator of the Romero House over the summer, and one of the other awesome guys that I got to work with at the St. Francis Center).

Where I find myself in response to this crossroad in my life is perhaps not as much an increased passion to close the SOA/WINSEC, but an overall call to be aware, from anything to fair trade goods, sweatshops, political and social issues, non-violence... Social Justice in all it's forms. I don't think I can say that I feel God directing me to a life wholly devoted to Social Justice as many people I know are, but I know it is something I cannot ignore. Something I cannot forget about and sweep under the carpet.

The world is broken. Enough so that if I dwell on it, it could crush me. I know even more why I, and the world, need Jesus. I support social and political change, education, protests, controversy and whatever else you could think of. But I don't believe that any of that without Jesus has any chance to succeed.

This leads to the next big thing in my life.

With the SOA, I didn't have much of a chance to think about this, but in a little over a month, I will be in El Salvador. A Pilgrimage. A chance to see right in front of me some of the issues which I protested down in Georgia.

I'm not sure if I'm ready.

In some ways I wish I was going with at least someone else from my church. In our group, there is a Lutheran Professor, and the rest are mainly Catholic, or at least raised Catholic and currently questioning, and then there is me. This presents the same kind of challenge that I experienced with the SOA. Not only are not everyone going of a theological bent closer to me, many are not as spiritual, at least in the Jesus sense, which means that in a fundamental way, there is a necessary lack of depth as we don't want to exclude anyone.

And even with the people who I know who are followers of Jesus, God bless them, are not necessarily those who I feel like I could pour my heart out too. Maybe two of them. But I don't know. Even then, I don't think they would pray for me. At least not in the way my church does it. I know that God will probably use me, and that hopefully I can reach out some. But I wonder who will reach out to me?

With the SOA and now this, it seems like I'm going into it alone. To put it very generally, I'm more Catholic than most of my Evangelical friends, but more Evangelical than my Catholic friends, and I feel caught in the middle, where I know for the most part who I am and where I am with God, but when I look around me I only see a few people that are where I am at. And none of them are coming to El Salvador with me.

Sure, God is with me. But it's not supposed to be just me and God. It's a community. And I seem to be stuck between two worlds. My Church and my School. I wonder if I'm going to be able to handle this.

It's going to be hard enough going to a country that speaks Spanish while I only gained un poco from 4 years of studying it (I experienced that in Spain) but one that has experienced so much pain and hardship and is still living it now.

I know we are going to go to a Mass down there and God Dammit I don't want to be cut off from communion. Not there. Damned Church Politics and Theology. What happened to the Body of Christ? How can I be in communion with the wonderful people I'm going with and with the country so broken, when I can't share it with them?

How long must my heart cry out? How can we hope to heal the broken world if we cannot even heal the brokenness between all those who follow Jesus. Come Holy Spirit and wash us pure, make us whole... "As we cry out to You, oh Lord make us one / Let the whole earth see through us what You’ve done / May our hands find reach for what our words can’t preach / Oh Lord make us one"

By the way. Every 11 seconds, someone dies from AIDS. Remember in your prayers those 25 Million who have died, the 40 Million currently infected, and the countless children, spouses, families and friends affected by this disease.