Lost in a Sea of Faces

Have you ever found yourself alone amongst people you know love you?

I found myself there yesterday. Actually, I've kinda felt it for the last few days. More on that later. Yesterday was a thing to itself.

Yesterday was the All Staff Retreat for University Ministry. I got to hang out with almost all of the staff and students that make up UM and talk about our mission and try to identify some goals for the year. We had some great reflections on the scripture in Luke where Jesus calls Simon Peter, James and John to be “fishers of men (people if we wish to be PC).” Good food, good fellowship. Despite the fact that one of my best friends from campus joined the staff and was there with me, I felt very lonely.

The point where I broke down was at the Mass we had at the end of the day (I do go to a Catholic University after all...). Lately, I've been having a difficult time most times I go to Mass. Today was particularly hard.

I'm not sure what communion means to most people. For me, one of the most powerful meanings (although, I believe there are many) for me is the sense of community. Jesus commanded us to gather together and break bread together. In this, we share in his death and resurrection, but also draw together as a community, whether that be a church, or a ministry group like UM. Not only that, but we are proclaiming our faith and sharing a connection with the greater church.

So, at points like this, where I'm surrounded by people I love, and I cannot share this deep connection with them, my heart breaks. The three most prominent examples of this happen to me are the two weddings that my ex-roomates had earlier in the year, and today. The wedding is one of the greatest earthly representations of the bond we have with God, and one of our greatest expressions of love, and once again I could only participate with them up to a point. Sure, I can say the 'Our Father' and exchange a sign of peace with those I love, but it's not the same as communing with them.

Fortunately, my friend was at my side and was able to be there with me as I wept, and another of my friends came later to comfort me. Yet I still felt so utterly alone.

My mind is still trying to wrap around this. Scripture says that God will never give us more than we can bare... but God also commands us to bear one another's burdens. This is why I am so grateful for my friends.

God has given me a heart that breaks when there is no unity. Whether this is a broken relationship, or the rift between the Catholic church and the rest of Christianity. Communion is supposed to be our sign of unity, so it doesn't surprise me to have my heart break like this. But it leaves me wondering what else I can do besides pray.

I understand the doctrine of the Eucharist, and even if I had the opportunity to take it, I'm not sure I could with good conscience, considering my beliefs are so different. Of course, that means that one, or all of us are wrong on how we see communion. I understand that full unity will not come until later, when Jesus returns and sets all of his followers straight, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't call me to seek unity now. I don't think avoiding going to Mass for the rest of my life would do anything (plus, that wouldn't go well with working for University Ministry).

God has broken my heart. I expect him to give me a better one now.

“...Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done, On Earth As It Is In Heaven...”