Aye Aye Aye!

Wow.

It has been awhile since I have written anything here. There is enough that I could write on but I either don't have the time or I get caught up in other things. Hopefully I can get back to it a little. There is certainly plenty going on in my life and I find it very helpful to write things down whether it is online or pen and paper.

Anyway, enough of my apology. I went Salsa dancing tonight. I wasn't really planning on it, but my friends from church decided to go grab some food then head over and dance. I admit, I resisted for a long while. I'm glad I went though. I didn't dance too much, but nonetheless I'm glad I got myself to do it.

I didn't feel like a total clutz. I guess that is a good thing. I wish we had been there earlier and done the lessons they offer beforehand. Next time we go I can do that and maybe I will be at least a little more confident.

I'm also trying to get myself to get myself to use the Dance Dance Revolution mats that I bought. I haven't used them in so long but it was fun and it's good exercise. I think that if I actually got into it, it would be a good way for me to actually do some exercising for once.

So we will see how that goes. It's easier to do DDR with a friend, but the friend that I would be most likely to do it with lives 30 minutes south of me, and I don't have a car so that kinda kills us doing that on any regular occasion. We haven't even played together in a long time.

The only hard thing about tonight is that, to be perfectly honest, I started to miss not being in a relationship. I mean, I have been wrestling with it off and on for awhile now, but never this much. I guess that it has something to do with being close to the girls I went with while dancing. I know I'm a pretty physical person (hugs, cuddling... that kinda stuff) and I could kinda imagine in the back of my mind having a girl next to me to lean up against and watch after dancing for awhile. I know that I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now, but I miss some of the benefits of it.

I guess I have found it to be true that the moment that I know God is working in me in some area, that is the area that gets challenged. I mean, it's really weird. Just in the last few weeks I have come into contact with some new women, mostly through church. I'm not exactly the kind of person to really go out of the way to meet people, so this in itself is kinda weird. And even with a good friend of mine, who I know that a relationship wouldn't work out with, I was feeling a little bit of a longing. Except for my friend, these aren't even people who I know yet, but this little part of my brain wonders if a relationship would ever start between us. I honestly don't know where it all is coming from, and I don't want to look at women like that. I feel like it is really borderline objectification and I don't like that at all.

I mean, before I'm going to consider getting into a relationship I want to know this person pretty well, and spend time with them just getting to know them before I even think about dating. I already learned the hard way about things going quickly. I mean, I met a girl online and talked to her for like two weeks. For whatever reason we seemed to click and I eventually met her in person with one of my friends. Then, out of the blue she tells me the next day that she doesn't want to hear from me again (through a text message nonetheless). I don't exactly feel like I missed out on much, but I know things went waaaaaay to fast and I didn't have the kind of boundaries that I know I need.

I'm not 100% sure at this point whether this is a sign that maybe I am more ready to be in a relationship than I think, or if it is a test for me to become more comfortable where I am at and grow in that. I would heavily lean towards the latter. As much as I would like to be in a relationship right now, I know I have a lot of growing to do. I don't like it, but I know it is necessary. I believe that I can only have a good relationship once I am comfortable being on my own, and that with someone else who is likewise comfortable being on their, because otherwise it would be far to easy to become co-dependant and not have a healthy relationship. That doesn't mean I like it, but I know it needs to be that way.

It's time for bed now. If you got it down here, thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. I know how nice it is when I just listen to another person and I appriciate you doing that for me.