Not sure how I feel about today...
Today was a long day.
(well, considering it is after 12, it is "tomorrow" but I haven't gone to sleep yet, so as far as I'm concerned it is today)
I had my first real Monday. I have my 10:30- 11:20 class, which is fine, followed by a nice long break until 2:30, but that's when the fun really starts. Classes from 2:30 to 5:15, with a 45 minute break until 6, where I have a 6:00 to 8:50 class. Which was then followed by homework.
My weekend was pretty nice, I can say that at least. I attended a leadership conference on Friday Night and Saturday, followed by Saturday Night Church. I hope I can get into more detail about the conference when I have more time, since I really learned some good stuff from it, and I don't want to forget.
Sunday, I got to go to my old church, not the one which has been having all the troubles lately (and not the one I go to on Saturday Night) but the one I grew up in. It was nice to go back and meet people I hadn't seen in awhile, but it isn't a place where I would want to go back to, permanently anyway. I do hope I can visit more though.
After that, it was back to Regis where I messed around for about 6 hours trying to get a slipstreamed copy of Windows XP to work so I can re-install it on my computer, since my floppy drive decided to die. I'm still trying to customize the CD more, before I do a complete re-install.
I shouldn't have spent as much time on it as I did, but I still managed to get some homework done. I still have some that I'm working on for tomorrow, but things are rolling pretty smoothly for now. I'm going to have a huge amount of reading for all of my classes, so that is going to mean I am going to really have to change my schedule if I'm going to survive. That means LESS COMPUTER. I need to do that anyway, but it is a painful way to go.,
Anyway... back to why I'm not sure about how I feel about today... Well, my classes went pretty well, it is going to be a challenge this semester but I'm going to be learning lots of new things, so hopefully it will be worth it. I also got to spend a little time with one of my friends and help her with some creative writing stuff, and that was pretty fun.
The one thing that made it rough... well if you know me well enough, I bet you could guess before I say it. My odd sort of relationship with a certain someone.
I dunno, neither of us have much time on our hands lately, because of school, work and things like that. We used to talk more, but now, this week especially, we really haven't talked much.
The past two days, she has spent most of her evenings working on homework and whatever else she needs to get done... but how she has done that is be online for a little while, talk, and then disappear for 20 minutes, say something, then be gone for the rest of the night, without even a word. After talking to her tonight, I was just supposed to realize that she was busy with homework, and since that she isn't talking to me online that she isn't talking to anyone. I do believe her, but it still hurts. Am I so wrong for being suspicious when last night she doesn't respond for hours, and doesn't pick up the phone when I call to say goodnight. And when today she just disappears again? And when she mentioned some guy online who wants to sleep with her (not that it is hard to find that if you talk much online like she does), or that she has been talking on the phone with her ex boyfriend, who, completely f***ed up her life, yet she still talks to him, and has considered seriously moving in with him because she could get free rent, be away from her family, and have a bed buddy, even if she wouldn't ever date him again. Or if she has expressed her "NEED" to have sex, since she slept with him and really enjoyed it, and she doesn't want to give up, and has resolved to have sex sometime this year, and when I tell her that it isn't something I want to do, that I can't complain if she goes off and finds somebody "just to sleep with, I wouldn't want a relationship with them" because she offered me first. WELL EXCUSE ME FOR BEING PARANOID.
ARGH. I don't even want to get into that whole little thing that I got into. I could say so much more about that. But I really don't want to. She has her "needs" she says. It doest have anything to do with me, she says. I haven't really had sex so I wouldn't understand what its like to be in her position, she says. I have already had sex so I don't have any reason to try and not do it, she says. I don't know why you get so upset if I would have sex with my ex again, its already something I have done so its not like I'm losing anything, she says.
I could say so much more.
She doesn't seem to understand how much I want to care about her, and how much it is about me, and how much more sex is than just... sex, and why it does matter if she tries to be abstinent now even though she has had sex, even if she enjoys it so much. She doesn't understand how much it hurts to hear her say something about it, even if she is completely joking.
She jokes about something like that, and when I get upset, she tells me I'm being too serious, and I should lighten up, even when I have told her that I don't find subjects like that funny.
Some days, I feel like there is so much hope for our relationship, that even with all the crap that we have gone through, that we can get through more. Today doesn't feel like one of those days. But, if there is going to be any hope at all, I have to trust God, know he is working... know that it is all on his time, and if things are going to change, he will make them change, and if he is going to lead me away... well I pray that I have not closed my eyes to it.
There is one thing that I can appreciate, with as much as all of this has hurt. I understand just a little bit better how God must feel, every time we sin against him. And how much it must have hurt Jesus when he died on the cross, for me, and loves me, no matter what I have done, and no matter how much I turn away from him.
If I can come through this, and love, no matter what pain, no matter how much it hurts, no matter anything at all, then I believe I can start to love others more. If I can stand, and be there for her, and watch her... Even if she would go and do something, that would completely break my heart, I do not believe I could turn away from her. If God can put up with me, with his entire church, no matter what we do to him, then God can give me the strength to love her. My only fear is that I could become blinded, and if God called me away that I would miss it... or that I would try to do this on my own power. Part of me is also afraid that she will do something, that if her words and thoughts can tear my heart apart, how much it would truly hurt if she actually went through with something, and the strength it would take to remain standing with her. I know if I try to do it myself, I am sure to fail, that the strength would be too great. But if I am to stand with her, if I am right, that it is what God wants me to do, as long as I look to him, I will have strength.
It does not mean, that it will not hurt. Jesus himself asked if there was another way... asked that the cup be taken away from him, but submitted himself to God's will regardless. The beatings and crucifixion he took, and the millions of disciples afterwards who followed him to death, felt real pain, died real deaths, but rejoiced, and found joy in it none the less. If that can be done, through love, for me and for all in the world, than it can be done in this.
Amen.
Daniel
(well, considering it is after 12, it is "tomorrow" but I haven't gone to sleep yet, so as far as I'm concerned it is today)
I had my first real Monday. I have my 10:30- 11:20 class, which is fine, followed by a nice long break until 2:30, but that's when the fun really starts. Classes from 2:30 to 5:15, with a 45 minute break until 6, where I have a 6:00 to 8:50 class. Which was then followed by homework.
My weekend was pretty nice, I can say that at least. I attended a leadership conference on Friday Night and Saturday, followed by Saturday Night Church. I hope I can get into more detail about the conference when I have more time, since I really learned some good stuff from it, and I don't want to forget.
Sunday, I got to go to my old church, not the one which has been having all the troubles lately (and not the one I go to on Saturday Night) but the one I grew up in. It was nice to go back and meet people I hadn't seen in awhile, but it isn't a place where I would want to go back to, permanently anyway. I do hope I can visit more though.
After that, it was back to Regis where I messed around for about 6 hours trying to get a slipstreamed copy of Windows XP to work so I can re-install it on my computer, since my floppy drive decided to die. I'm still trying to customize the CD more, before I do a complete re-install.
I shouldn't have spent as much time on it as I did, but I still managed to get some homework done. I still have some that I'm working on for tomorrow, but things are rolling pretty smoothly for now. I'm going to have a huge amount of reading for all of my classes, so that is going to mean I am going to really have to change my schedule if I'm going to survive. That means LESS COMPUTER. I need to do that anyway, but it is a painful way to go.,
Anyway... back to why I'm not sure about how I feel about today... Well, my classes went pretty well, it is going to be a challenge this semester but I'm going to be learning lots of new things, so hopefully it will be worth it. I also got to spend a little time with one of my friends and help her with some creative writing stuff, and that was pretty fun.
The one thing that made it rough... well if you know me well enough, I bet you could guess before I say it. My odd sort of relationship with a certain someone.
I dunno, neither of us have much time on our hands lately, because of school, work and things like that. We used to talk more, but now, this week especially, we really haven't talked much.
The past two days, she has spent most of her evenings working on homework and whatever else she needs to get done... but how she has done that is be online for a little while, talk, and then disappear for 20 minutes, say something, then be gone for the rest of the night, without even a word. After talking to her tonight, I was just supposed to realize that she was busy with homework, and since that she isn't talking to me online that she isn't talking to anyone. I do believe her, but it still hurts. Am I so wrong for being suspicious when last night she doesn't respond for hours, and doesn't pick up the phone when I call to say goodnight. And when today she just disappears again? And when she mentioned some guy online who wants to sleep with her (not that it is hard to find that if you talk much online like she does), or that she has been talking on the phone with her ex boyfriend, who, completely f***ed up her life, yet she still talks to him, and has considered seriously moving in with him because she could get free rent, be away from her family, and have a bed buddy, even if she wouldn't ever date him again. Or if she has expressed her "NEED" to have sex, since she slept with him and really enjoyed it, and she doesn't want to give up, and has resolved to have sex sometime this year, and when I tell her that it isn't something I want to do, that I can't complain if she goes off and finds somebody "just to sleep with, I wouldn't want a relationship with them" because she offered me first. WELL EXCUSE ME FOR BEING PARANOID.
ARGH. I don't even want to get into that whole little thing that I got into. I could say so much more about that. But I really don't want to. She has her "needs" she says. It doest have anything to do with me, she says. I haven't really had sex so I wouldn't understand what its like to be in her position, she says. I have already had sex so I don't have any reason to try and not do it, she says. I don't know why you get so upset if I would have sex with my ex again, its already something I have done so its not like I'm losing anything, she says.
I could say so much more.
She doesn't seem to understand how much I want to care about her, and how much it is about me, and how much more sex is than just... sex, and why it does matter if she tries to be abstinent now even though she has had sex, even if she enjoys it so much. She doesn't understand how much it hurts to hear her say something about it, even if she is completely joking.
She jokes about something like that, and when I get upset, she tells me I'm being too serious, and I should lighten up, even when I have told her that I don't find subjects like that funny.
Some days, I feel like there is so much hope for our relationship, that even with all the crap that we have gone through, that we can get through more. Today doesn't feel like one of those days. But, if there is going to be any hope at all, I have to trust God, know he is working... know that it is all on his time, and if things are going to change, he will make them change, and if he is going to lead me away... well I pray that I have not closed my eyes to it.
There is one thing that I can appreciate, with as much as all of this has hurt. I understand just a little bit better how God must feel, every time we sin against him. And how much it must have hurt Jesus when he died on the cross, for me, and loves me, no matter what I have done, and no matter how much I turn away from him.
If I can come through this, and love, no matter what pain, no matter how much it hurts, no matter anything at all, then I believe I can start to love others more. If I can stand, and be there for her, and watch her... Even if she would go and do something, that would completely break my heart, I do not believe I could turn away from her. If God can put up with me, with his entire church, no matter what we do to him, then God can give me the strength to love her. My only fear is that I could become blinded, and if God called me away that I would miss it... or that I would try to do this on my own power. Part of me is also afraid that she will do something, that if her words and thoughts can tear my heart apart, how much it would truly hurt if she actually went through with something, and the strength it would take to remain standing with her. I know if I try to do it myself, I am sure to fail, that the strength would be too great. But if I am to stand with her, if I am right, that it is what God wants me to do, as long as I look to him, I will have strength.
It does not mean, that it will not hurt. Jesus himself asked if there was another way... asked that the cup be taken away from him, but submitted himself to God's will regardless. The beatings and crucifixion he took, and the millions of disciples afterwards who followed him to death, felt real pain, died real deaths, but rejoiced, and found joy in it none the less. If that can be done, through love, for me and for all in the world, than it can be done in this.
Amen.
Daniel
posted by Typo Panther at
1:35:00 AM
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