Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Where do I go from here?

So, being in Grad School/Seminary has given me plenty to think through. Not to mention the normal experience of life.

Thus, I'm trying to make sense out of some of what I've experienced over the last few weeks. But it's going to be messy. You have been warned.

I'm not a very disciplined person. Those of you who know me well should probably be nodding your head, if not on the floor laughing.

But, I'm realizing more and more that I do need a certain measure of it in my life. I don't intend to become a completely strict person with no room for the randomness of life. But I need some structure, or I'm going to completely burn out.

It's funny, here I am learning about all these historic Christian spiritual practices, yet I struggle to implement even the most simple of them in my daily life. I get interested in something, go at it for a few days, maybe a week, then something breaks my stride and the momentum is gone. I'm aware that it takes a long time to make something a habit (and the same goes for breaking old ones) but it is still frustrating.

I'm not sure if it is something I can really do on my own. There is a part of me that longs for the monastic life. A set structure of prayer and work, to the point where the rhythm of that life is etched in your soul. There are some things that I disagree with about the contemplative monastic tradition, but the radical restructuring of life is alluring to me. I know I need something that radical in my life. But I know I can't do it by myself. I'm not strong enough.

So what would it look like today? For a group of people to come together, maybe daily, maybe weekly, and soak in the presence of God. A daily "quiet time" isn't enough. We are called to have the word of God written on our hearts, and our every breath a prayer to God. This isn't just a Sunday thing either.

I'm talking about really shifting my life. Like really setting apart a 24 hour period of a Sabbath, where I take time to enjoy God and enjoy life. Spending fixed times praying to God throughout my day, even if that means stopping what work I am doing, or even stepping away from hanging out with my friends to re-center myself.

The point of it wouldn't to become so rigid that I couldn't skip one time, or re-arrange it so I can spend time with people, or if something comes up that I just can't avoid. But the only way I could have such flexibility is to first have the pattern set in my life.

But like I said, I can't do that on my own. I need to know other people are doing the same, people who can keep me on track. People who I can spend time in worship of God beyond simply getting together on Sunday.

Who else is ready for that kind of change though? If I know anybody like that, then I don't know it. What I long for is such a subversion of the status quo. It means a complete reorientation of my priorities, it means sacrificing time that I could spend doing other things that I enjoy.

So how do I find that now? I know there are many people who are exploring what it means to be a modern day monastic. Living in communities together and pouring into the lives of others. Some day I might be able to participate in something like that. But for now, I'm a grad student, living on campus housing. I have homework to do, friends to spend time with. I'm not working right now, but I will have to find a job sometime, and that just adds more things to do.

Something has to change. The path I'm on is going nowhere. I'm fully aware of it. But choosing a new path will hurt. I'm afraid of the pain. If I don't have people to push me through, to walk beside me, I will just turn away and return to this dead end path that I'm currently on.

How can I lead others on a path that I have not traveled myself? How can I tell others of how Jesus has changed my life, when I resist every change? How do I proclaim that Christianity is the way the truth and the life, when I'm not really following it. I'm learning about God, but I'm not being with God.

And all I do is whine about being in this nowhere place. I'm too afraid to step into the mystery, too afraid to let go. I fill myself with things besides God, hoping that they fill my deep longings, but knowing they can't. Sure, acknowledging the problem is half the battle, but I haven't done anything with it.

I know I can't expect people to carry me along either. For true change to happen, it has to be my own steps. I need people to lean on along the way, but this has to be my choice, my effort. But, there lies the paradox, because God knows we cannot possibly do it ourselves. God carries us through, but that doesn't mean it is easy. Like I said before, I know it will hurt. I know it means letting go of a lot of things I value, even if I know they are only dust.

So why am I not more ready to make that step, begin that new journey. I'm trying to avoid the pain but I know I'm only bringing more on myself. I love for a complete life, but the only way to reach that is to go through the fire. Until then, all the things I truly long for will never come. I will be unable to have the relationship with another person that will bring us both joy, I will be unable to use all the gifts that God has given me. I will be a failure, stagnant, without growth or peace or joy or love. I will scrape by on the bits of Grace that God sends me, while yet resisting the full outpouring that God wishes to give me, but I am unable to receive.

What is wrong with me, really?

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