Monday, June 11, 2007

Ugh...

Well, it's been awhile, and I'm not tired enough quite yet to go to sleep and I have a lot on my mind, therefore, everyone who reads this gets something to read! YAY!

Anyway. I'm continuing my trademark procrastination by still having papers from my final semester of college that if I don't get in I might not be actually getting my degree, which would be very very depressing. I really don't know why I can't just buckle down and finish the damn things, especially because of how long it has been and how close my final final deadline is.

I blame my computer, however that is more out my chosen outlet of procrastination, there is something deeper to blame and I really don't know what it is. Sure, I've had something along the lines of 20 years of school behind me, so I have some burnout, but still, come on, when my diploma is at stake what is wrong with me?

Anyway, back to the computer. I'm looking forward to my program starting on August 4th, because I'm pretty much going to be computer-less for an entire year. I say I'm looking forward to it because I know it sucks away my life, and there is going to be something freeing about only checking email once every few days at the library, or something like that. I think they might have a house computer, but you get the point.

On the other hand, it terrifies me because so much of my life is tied into that. It's how I communicate with people and how they communicate with me, it's how I spend my free time, it's how I listen to music, check bus routes, look up information, blog... And I have to snip it away. To make things worse, I seem to be getting myself deeper into the computer world this summer. Now that I have more time, I've been getting involved in some of the things I used to do more, like IMing and such, and once the time comes I won't be able to do that much any more. So why exactly am I digging myself into a hole?

Part of me just wants to be able to cut it off now, spend more time reading that stack of books that has been building up over the last 4+ years and is conveniently getting bigger, not to mention riding my bike for fun instead of just to get from point a to point b, perhaps I might even figure out how to spend more time with my friends that are, yah know, flesh and blood?

Oh yeah, not to mention God. I do fine with the going to church part, am decent on the small groups part, but the me and God on a daily basis is more or less non-existent. Now, I don't expect my life to be any easier sans computer, however, it is much easier to lose most of the day staring at the computer screen and not have time for anything else, and to look back and realize you didn't really do anything productive.

I mean, I think there is nothing wrong with computer games, and Dungeons and Dragons, and reading webcomics or whatever else I could think of, however the idea is moderation, not filling my entire life up with them.

It doesn't help that I've realized that the last few weeks at Church seem to be rough, like I can't get into it as much. Not quite apathy, not quite tiredness or the heat that is growing here in Colorado, but whatever the case I'm left feeling drained, not encouraged, not willing to open myself up to God... If I can't even manage it for a few hours on Sunday, what exactly do I expect from the entire week.

Fortunately one of my friends was perceptive enough to notice me brooding and (literally) nudged me into getting prayer about filling your life with things other than God. Normally, I would jump right up there and acknowledge that something is screwed up and I need to fix it. But instead, I hung back and almost succeeded in ignoring it completely.

And this isn't to even mention all the other things going on which I would love to rant about. I'm sure if I could get my head on a little straighter and could spend some more time praying more of those things would become clearer. But how do I even get that far?

I mean, heck, the last few weeks I've mostly been at my parents, and even then I can waste most of the day on the computer, even though it's missing almost everything I have on my computer at home. Even the library isn't safe, because I know enough ways to pass the time without being productive. This is definitely an issue of my heart.

Sure, knowing is half the battle, but I've known this since probably a year after I started learning about computers, if not earlier. So, what now?

And even after this year of voluntary poverty, will that be enough or will I just slip back into all of this once my 'freedom' is regained?

Sigh...

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