Okay so it has been awhile.
There has definetly been plenty of things going on in my life lately. I simply haven't had the incentive to write things down on here. No real excuse other than that.
I might try and put down some of what has been going on later, but I don't feel like doing that now.
I was thinking today as I walked home, that I only have a week left in my winter break. And you know what? I really don't feel like I have had much of a vacation. I started working right when school ended, and here I am now. Sure I had some time for Christmas... but that isn't really a vacation.
I mean, sure I have done some really fun stuff... hanging out with friends... messing around on the computer... but, it doesn't seem that much different than during the school year.
I guess I kinda find it frustrating. I really don't want to go into the semester stressed out. I mean, I still have an essay to write to finish off a class from last semester that is currently an Incomplete.
It didn't help that today was a fairly stressful day at work. Our "rush" period has began... and that means more students trying to get their books and whatnot. It also means that the customers are on edge, my co-workers are on edge... and well... I was on edge.
To be bluntly honest I was worried that I might start crying near the end of the day. My co-workers were picking on me (just like any other day) but I suppose I was stressed enough that it got to me a little more than it usually would. Some wounds from when I was younger surfacing I guess. I can only take being picked on so much... partly depending on the subject matter and how sharp it is and all that... But either way, I was not, and still am not very happy.
Today is one of those days where I really feel like I could use a hug. The part that sucks is that I can't really have that... at least from the people I would want it from most. I didn't even have the chance to talk to my mom since she was meeting with a TA and teaches a class tonight... so I won't have the chance to talk to her until later. As far as other people... maybe I will talk to one or another tonight, but that is no garuntee.
Writing things out like this does help me a bit... but it isn't quite the same. Best I can do at the moment is hug my big old stuffed bear and pretend it is someone else.
I guess, also to continue being bluntly honest... I haven't forgotten about God. I know he loves me and cares for me, and is the great healer and comforter... but it is hard when he isn't a physical thing that I can litteraly cling to. I guess part of me would rather just wallow in being unhappy and antisocial and bitter instead of giving it up to God. I know it is stupid to do that to myself, but it is how I feel. I would rather hold out in my mind for the possibilty of being able to hold onto somebody tightly for awhile and maybe cry and talk... which isn't going to happen... and even if it could... it isn't something as lasting as the peace God can bring.
I know I can't really talk myself into giving my frustration up to God. I suppose it is good in one sense to be honest about where I at... but it is not really some place that I would like to stay... but for whatever reason I choose to stay here...
The solution is really quite simple... so why does choosing it become so hard?
-Daniel
